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not to tgo out with my mum

(82 Posts)
LEMmingaround Tue 18-Feb-14 13:15:38

Its half term. Dd wants to do beach walk with our dogs. My mother called wanting me to go with her to pet shop. Its a long walk but dd doesn't want to traipse around shops while my mother whines about her bad back. Sinuses etc. I want the time with dd. I have offereg for my dp to collect the dog food. She was fine when she called eralier but because dd didnt want to do that all of a sudden she is breathless and telling me how she has to go to bank shops etc and take her dog out because id left it too late. I normally take her dog out at lunch time so its not late. I feel like shit but just cant face it.

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 09:57:46

I don't really do tht much for her though Youthecat, its the bare minimum really and i am questioning whether i am just being selfish by not wanting to do more.

YouTheCat Wed 19-Feb-14 10:03:52

You are not selfish, no way. She expects you to drop everything when she wants you and that is not right.

You sound much more sorted than last year, if you don't mind me saying. Great that you do so much for her. Better that you make her wait until it is convenient for you to help though.

divisionbyzero Wed 19-Feb-14 10:14:45

She wants you to see to her dog's needs before you give dd her lunch.

My advice is that you need to create a tiny bit of breathing space, just step out of kicking distance for more of the time in a week. If you don't want to hurt her feelings/be assertive/argue/whatever, just have other non-negotiable demands on your time, real or imagined, that cut into some percentage of your being-a-lackey time.

I strongly suspect that every inch of distance will make you all a bit happier in the long run, even if she will moan. It isn't a case of not being loving enough, but the medicine everyone needs.

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 19:48:10

Like I said Rabbit, if you don't know what you are talking about, step aside.

Your post was sarcastic and uninformed. You absolutely don't know the first thing about this subject, but you have to pile in with your lazy and frankly stupid post.

The mother here, and those of many others are what necessitates many women here to need therapy. Nothing wrong with that. It's better than going through life suffering due to the abuse and harm of a dysfunctional family background.

It's been speculated that LEM's mother has narcissistic tendencies.

It is impossible to have a normal relationship with a narc.


So kindly take your 'Natural' comment and apply it to a natural scenario, but that's not here. Perhaps try Chat, it's not so easy to offend those who are here (sometimes multiple threads) needing help.

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 19:52:02

I agree with YouTheCat, LEM, there is a lot more oomph about you these days! You seem much less resigned/helpless than before!

These things take time, little by little, you'll get there!

Is she responding to your new boundaries? Or does she catch you on the hop with the breathing shenanigans etc?

Main thing is to try to remain calm, detached a bit, enough not to say 'how high' when she says jump. Better yet if you are able to say 'no, i'm not going to jump thanks'

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 20:38:16

DP has just had to take her to OOH, because she "can't breathe" I would say that someone who can scream and shout at me that she cant breathe, is doing ok hmm She has an appointment with the specialist next week, but decides that tonight is the night she can't do it anymore - i didn't know what to do so called OOH, DP was with me, she had got me round there on the pretence of taking her milk. There will be nothing OOH can do, but how could i leave her like that - she knows this, but now wouldn't let me go to the hospital with them because i will "cause trouble" FFS - So am at home with my DD while poor DP dances to her tune - fuck i must sound like a heartless bitch but i am at breaking point. Hissy, i have been doing better, and stepping back a bit, so i feel she is upping her game - I don't know what she wants me to do - she was perfectly fine when she rang up asking for milk - when i took it round it all started - there was milk in her fridge hmm

I told her that she has to stop doing this to me, i am going to break - she told me "after they have sorted me out, i don't want to see you anymore" fuck me, if only she meant it. I feel like the biggest bitch, she was sobbing but i had no sympathy whatsoever, i have passed the buck onto my poor DP - to be fair, he would have had to take her, i can't drive.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 19-Feb-14 21:06:05

So.....stop answering the phone for a start.

Beginning to feel like a cracked record but if you run around after her all the time, what do you expect?

LEMmingaround Wed 19-Feb-14 21:10:36

She's my mother, what else am i supposed to do?

Hissy Wed 19-Feb-14 21:47:40

She is an emotional terrorist, who just happened to give birth to you.

She will get worse as she realises she's losing her grip on you.

When they have sorted her out, she doesn't want to see you any more.

There is your get out. If she calls, tell her to call 999.

You are going to have to be strong on this. It will be excruciatingly difficult, but you have to do this. For your family.

YouTheCat Wed 19-Feb-14 21:52:22

Lem, get an answering machine and screen her calls and a new sim for your mobile or a new mobile and just use your old one for your mum. That way you can choose to answer or not.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 06:48:25

" "after they have sorted me out, i don't want to see you anymore""

Take her at her word!

She can call an ambulance/taxi if necessary.

perplexedpirate Thu 20-Feb-14 06:55:42

Hissy, you've just said some of the wisest words I've ever seen on a phone screen.
Please will you come and hold my hand next time I speak to my mum?

Minifingers Thu 20-Feb-14 07:05:58

The OP's mum is old, not in good health by the sound of it, and maybe lonely.

I'd love to think I would manage my emotions and behaviour well in this situation but I suspect I'll be a PITA too.

OP - you have my sympathy. My mum is very demanding too, and snipes at me. It's hard.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 10:52:58

minifingers - all those reasons are the reasons i take all of the shit, but its affecting my mental health and i suspect has been for a long time, had i but recognised it. I suffer from crippling anxiety and am on medication, had counselling etc but never spoke about my mum because i felt guilty.

I am now sat here with butterflies in my stomach because i need to go and get her meds that wont do any good that she was prescribed by the doctor last night. I spoke to the dr on the phone and he agreed with me that she just needs to wait and see the specialist next week. I shouldn't be scared to take her meds round but i am. I actually feel sick.

Maybe it is me, had NO sympathy for her last night, at all, i just felt angry, i should have tried to make her feel better but i couldn't. Maybe i am just as selfish as i think she is.

YouTheCat Thu 20-Feb-14 11:03:13

Mini, would you demand someone drops everything and sees to their shopping/dog/meds immediately and if they can't (for very good reasons) would you then scream at them down the phone? Lem's mum is more than capable of doing things for herself but she chooses not to. She also chooses not to manage her conditions effectively, going against advice. I know pain makes people grumpy and unreasonable at times but she is taking the mick.

Lem, I hope your visit is a quick and easy and not too stressful.

nennypops Thu 20-Feb-14 11:04:56

Can you just leave her meds on the doorstep? After all, she told you she didn't want to see you any more, you are just taking her at her word.

And I agree, if she is claiming there is a medical emergency, don't take her to the doctor or offer your dp, just tell her to call an ambulance.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 11:10:52

I am just confused, my DP says everything that you guys say, but am i painting a darker picture than it really is? Maybe i don't do enough? maybe i should take her "side" against the medics etc? I am waiting for the doctor to call me, she took advice on monday as how to proceed - the thing is, i genuinely don't know if this is a mental health thing or a difficult person thing. I do know that i am at breaking point, but think i should just step up and look after my mother.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 11:25:44

OP, I don't know your backstory.

But in simple terms, she treats you like this because she can!

I agree with putting meds on doorstep/through letterbox tbh.

Look, it's fine doing stuff for others if it doesn't impact on your own health/family & if they aren't abusive towards you!

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 20-Feb-14 11:28:38

LEM You have a dd. she needs to come first. You chose to bring her into the world. You have a responsibility to her.

In order to take care of her you need to take care of you. If you are close to breaking point then you are close to not being able to take care of her.

You said that your mum was like this to your dad. So she isn't old, I'll, scared and in pain. She is the way she is. She is either narcissistic or just not a very nice person. No matter what you do it won't be enough.

Please take care of you so that you can take her of your dd.

Ps - sorry for the guilt trip but I suspect if I said you need to take care of you because you matter you wouldn't listen.

Alwayscheerful Thu 20-Feb-14 11:45:01

I would call an ambulance and hopefully they will send a paramedic along, let them tell her there is nothing wrong with her and then you must leave when they leave.

You need to look after yourself your daughter and your husband and do whatever is necessary to retain your sanity.

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 20-Feb-14 12:27:27

"fuck i must sound like a heartless bitch but i am at breaking point"
LEM, you do not sound like a heartless bitch. I've read some of your previous threads and you are about as far from a heartless bitch as it is possible to get (your mother, on the other hand ....).

"Maybe it is me, had NO sympathy for her last night, at all, i just felt angry, i should have tried to make her feel better but i couldn't. Maybe i am just as selfish as i think she is."
I am so glad that you were angry rather than sympathetic. Your sympathy is her weapon against you, your anger is your shield. Hold on to the anger, because it is fully justified. As for "i should have tried to make her feel better" - how would you have done that? So much of your mother's medical problems is manufactured by herself, she positively enjoys (and exaggerates) it for effect. It is another weapon against you. Her idea of feeling better is making you squirm with guilt and anxiety. I will personally come round and give you a slapping if you give her the satisfaction (smile you know I never would). You are not selfish. I wish you were smile, then she'd never have got her claws so deep into you.

Yes she's your mother. Which just goes to show that the ability to breed is completely separate from the ability to play nice with other people.

"i genuinely don't know if this is a mental health thing or a difficult person thing. I do know that i am at breaking point, but think i should just step up and look after my mother."
You don't need to know what's at the root of her behaviour; you just need to know, and acknowledge, the effect it is having on YOU. As for 'stepping up to look after her' <considers slapping LEM again>, absolutely not. Stepping back is what you should be thinking about. You are at breaking point, and she will relish breaking you. Listen to your DP, he is witnessing it first-hand and he cares about you.

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 13:58:16

The doctor rang this morning and the psychiatrist said that she has the capacity to take care of herself, but that she sounds like she is depressed - um, well, yes, i imagine she is. She is in pain, losing her independance, lonely and frightened. I feel desperately sorry for her - it breaks my heart to see he like this. But I suffer from depression, and whilst i can be a trial sometimes, i try not to lash out that those i care about and i have sought help. As the GP says, i have more awareness, but that doens't help when i am being run ragged. Maybe if i didn't suffer from anxiety it would just go over my head and i'd roll my eyes, do what needs to be done and let all the shite wash over me, i do tend to take things to heart. Have had a bit of a falling out with DP, poor bugger, i think he is just tired of it all as i am. sad

Mother was nice as pie today "oh you shouldn't have bothered getting the prescription just now, its raining hard, i could have waited hmm" yeah, righto! I got her meds and i bought an inhailer cup thing for olbas oil. Hopefully it will get sorted soon.

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 14:03:15

Well is she depressed or not, & if so, what's she doing about it?

Why is she lonely?

diddl Thu 20-Feb-14 14:08:09

And she was nice today after you told her that you've about had enough??!!

LEMmingaround Thu 20-Feb-14 14:09:03

She wont accept that she is depressed and she wont do anything about it, they tried to give her diazepam for her back a while back and she wouldnt take them because those are "for nutters" err, thanks, i was taking them at the time hmm She is always having a go at me for taking medication and allowing the doctors to fill me up full of drugs. So I don't think we will get very far with anti-depressants, which is a shame because it will help i think.

She is lonely because no one goes to visit her, no one goes to visit her beause she will rant about things on and on and on, like a broken record, at the moment her campaign is against the doctor, before that it was her sister (that would take a month to explain but she thinks her sister has stolen things from her house, damaged things in her house and put "acid" her idea of poison in her cooker - she has totaly dismantled her cooker and has nothing to cook on) But no mental health intervention - no no hmm

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