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To wonder if I should take him back or not?

(28 Posts)
maybemaybenot14 Mon 17-Feb-14 23:42:11

Namechanged for this to avoid outing myself. I know my RL friends read here and know my usual posting name.

'D'H has been sleeping with another woman. She came to our home and told me herself, and he admitted it. We have 3 DCs under 10 and he met her at one of their activities.
He works away a lot which gave him the perfect opportunity to do this to us. He even tried blaming me for being a crappy wife when I thought everything was alright. We seemed happy. He never approached me or tried to say otherwise, but apparently jumping into bed with another woman is the way to change things? He does a lot to provide us with lots of luxuries, but for himself as much as me and DC. He does a lot around the house too, and never once complained. I thought he was just an absolutely fab DH and had all bases covered. I do my share too, so I thought, and he's made out to every body that I drove him into the OWs bed.

He's managed to make me feel guilty and question myself. Maybe I didn't treat him well enough. He's staying with MIL and we have spoken since and he does appear to be sorry. I don't believe he'll do it again but I am really worried that he doesn't talk to me and I don't want to be a crap wife by mistake again. I want this to work for the sake of our LO's but I really don't know if I should give it another go if I made him so unhappy. I know he loves the DC's who are too small to understand, and I've told them he does even though he can't live at home with us right now, but I'm not sure he really loves me. If I'm such a bad wife that I pushed him into bed with another woman, how can he?

BlackDaisies Mon 17-Feb-14 23:51:54

He sounds horrible, sorry. I can't believe he is blaming you for his affair and that you are starting to believe it. If he was really sorry and had any respect for you he would be showing complete remorse and doing everything he could to make up for this. With his current attitude getting together again won't work. I would give him the shock of his life and say you want a divorce. (And then get one).

BlackDaisies Mon 17-Feb-14 23:53:06

Sorry if that sounded flippant - hope you are ok. It just sounds like you are going through a really tough time and that you deserve better.

maras2 Mon 17-Feb-14 23:58:34

Why on earth would you want to take him back Read what you have just written and imagine that a dear friend had said this to you about her DH. What advice would you give ? It must be unbearable to split up from someone whom you love and have 3 children ; so painful . But things will only get worse and you will lose all of your self respect if you stay . I'm so sorry but your relationship is over .

LyndaCartersBigPants Mon 17-Feb-14 23:59:16

Before I even read your post I thought "no". I'm sorry, but it believe we only get one life and people who treat us badly shouldn't get multiple chances to keep doing it.

Having read your post I'd say "absolutely not". For me infidelity is a massive deal breaker in any case, but the fact that he has twisted it around to make it somehow your fault is absolute bollocks.

Unless he is completely 100% remorseful and begs for your forgiveness for being an absolute cunt I'd say he doesn't deserve a second chance. Tbh, even if he did beg I don't think I could ever live with a cheater but if you think you can then it would have to be with some pretty major caveats.

People with more experience may advise you differently, but from me, please think about how you would feel if you took him back and he did it again or carried on trying to make you be the best wife you can be to prevent him straying again. A huge pressure that you shouldn't have to live with.

So sorry for you, it must be horrendous to have everything you believed in turned upside down, but please value yourself above this man for now. Your DCs need you to be happy and loved not insecure and walking on eggshells for the sake of keeping the status quo at home.

lessonsintightropes Mon 17-Feb-14 23:59:32

I'm so sorry, this sounds awful. It also sounds like you need a time out from him to reconsider how you are doing in yourself - in your position I would be incredibly hurt and feel very betrayed. He's behaved very badly indeed. But it needn't necessarily be the end, if the underlying structure of your marriage is happy but you have drifted apart? I really feel for you, this is an horrendous situation, and there are no excuses for sleeping with someone else (so don't listen to them).

But if in all honesty after some space to recover you think your marriage is worth saving and that he is truly contrite, then spending some time together to try and work through it (maybe with a trusted advisor or cousellor) might help before you decide to end it. But I would also make sure, in your shoes, that he knows exactly what he is risking by having done this and explaining calmly that divorce is a very real option now might help shock him into the reality of what he's done.

maybemaybenot14 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:00:25

Thank you Daisies.
I wanted honest replies which is why I put this here instead of relationships as I don't feel like having my hand held, I need to think clearly and make an informed decision for myself and the DC's. They love him and he is a lovely dad, but I don't want my DS's growing up to see things like this as the norm, or my DD to think it's okay for a man to treat her like this. I'm just not sure things will be really good again or if he'll just lie to me again and act like its my fault for not knowing.

Famzilla Tue 18-Feb-14 00:00:46

It's not your fault.

You have done nothing wrong.

Please believe that. This must be an awful time for you and I can imagine you're feeling pretty vulnerable, but don't let him manipulate you into thinking any of this is your doing. He is the one who put sexual gratification above your feelings.

Could you see a counsellor? I think it would be really beneficial for you to speak to someone who can help build your self esteem.

maybemaybenot14 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:03:35

Thanks everyone.

I really do need space from him and time to think. We had a really nice life as far as I knew, I just don't know if he believes the same and if it's too far gone to come back from. It hurts because I very much love him, and I thought he loved me just as much.
We could move forward if I knew he'd be more open about his feelings but I don't have much trust in that right now. It'd be hard work, I need to decide if its worth it.

maybemaybenot14 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:09:00

I could look into a counsellor. I think even couples therapy for both of us would help us decide what to do next, but I think he'd be too proud for that. If he can't even tell his wife he thinks she's shit and that he's miserable, I don't think he'd tell a stranger about it. I might see one for me though, to help me be stronger for the DC's

Chummiestwin Tue 18-Feb-14 00:20:20

You are not responsible for his behaviour, he is, please do not blame yourself! He had plenty of time to try and make it work and to talk to you, nit jump in bed with his floozy. You are not a crap wife, I am very sorry he was not the great husband you thought he was!

frogslegs35 Tue 18-Feb-14 00:27:01

It's not your fault, you are not to blame for his affair.

If he was trying to repair the damage he has caused by firstly admitting 100% responsibility, I'd say you could possibly get through it or at least attempt to.
As he is blaming YOU for him being a cheating bastard I don't see how you can even think about staying with him, sorry.

Fairenuff Tue 18-Feb-14 00:30:51

Trying to place any blame on you is absolutely awful. There is no way I would advise you have him back.

Does he still see her at work? What was the 'activity' that they did together (apart from the obvious).

ChrisMooseAlbanians Tue 18-Feb-14 00:34:54

Will you ever trust him again?

falulahthecat Tue 18-Feb-14 01:16:57

I'm afraid your dH is in control of his own penis, and where he puts it.
He is also in control of expressing dissatisfaction in terms of your relationship, which he did not.

In some ways, I can see him blaming you actually being an attractive ption for you, for 2 reasons.

1)If you are a 'better wife' he won't ever ever do it again.
2)It doesn't mean he just really fancied some other woman, and forgot all about you and the DC's for the sake of some extra sex.

IMO - no man who is doing 'too much' around the house has the energy to carry out an affair.

I'm so sorry, but you must be strong now otherwise you will look back and kick yourself for wasting any more time with tis selfish child man who'd rather play the victim, and betray you and the DCs than work out his problems like a normal adult.

Don't stay together for the DCs either. As a product of parents who stayed together because they felt they 'had to' - I cannot tell you how many times I wished fervently that they would divorce and just be happy.

Monty27 Tue 18-Feb-14 01:20:04

No! And it wasn't his doing it was theirs. You've done nothing wrong. Dump dump dump.

bochead Tue 18-Feb-14 04:16:07

Your husband needs to learn to own his actions & choices. He's an adult.

You are only responsible for your own actions and those of your children.

The damage he has done to you runs really deep, and you need to heal. I honestly think you need to spend some time learning to value yourself, both as a woman and as a mother before you can even consider being a wife to this man again.

Google the term "gas lighting" as this is what your husband is doing.

Once you pull back the curtain of shock and hurt at what this man has done, you'll see just how contemptible his attempts to blame you for his own transgressions really are.

EddieBlizzard Tue 18-Feb-14 05:54:40

You did have a nice life and you weren't a shit wife.

He just wanted to have his cake and eat it and is trying to make sure you don't see that. Don't internalize this. He did something awful to you and the kids and now he's done something even worse and tried to pin it on you. Don't let him.

He's not truly sorry and he doesn't respect you at all
or he'd never have done that. Don't believe him for a second! thanks

HadABadDay2014 Tue 18-Feb-14 06:22:00

I couldn't go back.

A man who is suppose to love you don't hurt you like this. It shows lack of commitment and respect for you.

I would also go to a sexual Heath clinic to get your self check out because I couldn't believe him if he said he used protection.

YouTheCat Tue 18-Feb-14 07:35:06

He hasn't done this because you were shit. He has done this because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it.

I bet you both did have a lovely life together but he has spoiled it all by behaving like an utter twat towards you and the children. He thought he could have both.

Make sure you and the kids get all you are entitled to financially and then move forward without this sad excuse for a man.

youarewinning Tue 18-Feb-14 07:45:30

You didn't drive him into bed with OW - he went there willingly. If he was unhappy he should have talked to you.

Your right though about maybe if it was an unhappy marriage for him and he's blaming you getting back together may not work - not at least because you'll always be wondering if your 'doing it right'.

Chummiestwin Tue 18-Feb-14 07:48:24

Value yourself and leave him, easy enough he's living at his mums.

saintlyjimjams Tue 18-Feb-14 07:55:21

I think people can get over affairs - but the person having the affair has to take on the responsibility for the affair & the partner has to be able to forgive them.

Your dh has us the wrong way around - he seems yo be expecting you to take the responsibility & him to do the forgiving.

I would tell him unless he is able to take responsibility for what he did you have no hope of a future together - if he can do that first stage then maybe you can talk.

And yes get some counselling to find out why you would even entertain the idea that you were somehow to blame for your husband being a prick.

RedFocus Tue 18-Feb-14 08:10:02

Yes some people can get over affairs but when the person who had the affair is not taking responsibility for it and actively shifting the blame onto the innocent party then the marriage is dead and can never, ever return to even anything remotely what it was like.
Your husband isn't sorry op, how can he be sorry when he thinks you are the one with problems that drove him into the arms of another woman.
I cannot believe you are even considering taking him back after this.
If you take him back you are basically saying "hey babe yeah I'm useless and it's all my fault come home and treat me like shit!'
He will do it again you mark my words and you will forever be watching your back oh and your kids won't thank you for it either, believe me I know from bitter experience!

Mia4 Tue 18-Feb-14 14:49:08

He doesn' love or respect you op if he's not taking responsibility for his actions. Whatever issues you may have had (in his eyes since you were unaware) he should have communicated with you and fought to make your relationship better.

He decided to be a cunt and then stick his dick (very literally) in one. You need to get tough with him, it's jot about what he thinks it's about what he's done and how much a shit he is for it. He's deflecting blame from himself which makes it likely he will do it again qnd means he has no respect nor compassion.

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