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To be shaking with anger at this advice RE controlling behaviour

(58 Posts)
FlockOfTwats Mon 17-Feb-14 15:52:52

Friend has met a man. Very very recently.

She has young children (Twins) and had planned to use a personal trainer to get fit. New man recommended his cousin (Female). Friend would prefer to use the PT recommended by her friends. (Male).

New mans cousin uses her home and local parks (?) Recommended PT uses a gym.

New man has thrown his toys out the pram because she said she will be gong with the recommended PT, Very professional man, all positive recommendations and feedback from others who have used him.

New man has been in a mood with her over it and has said;
Why are you using recommended PT when you could use my cousin, bet its because its a man, no doubt youll be showing him cleavage

Try not to jump into bed with him just because he's got tattoos

if he's not good enough there is no point in their relationship because she will probably find someone at the gym

IMO its controlling behaviour and ive told her quite plainly to run and not look back. Others are saying she should reassure him, dont give up on him yet, he might just be insecure?! (thats the bit im angry about). AIBU To be angry and feel that this sort of advice just encourages controlling and eventually full on abusive relationships?

sadbodyblue Mon 17-Feb-14 15:55:48

run for the hills and don't look back.

she already has 2 children she doesn't need to take on a 3rd.

MorrisZapp Mon 17-Feb-14 15:56:17

Get him binned, for the cleavage remark alone. If he was just insecure he could have said so nicely.

expatinscotland Mon 17-Feb-14 15:57:42

YANBU! Show her this thread. Op's friend, you owe this person * nothing*. His behaviour is controlling and rude. Don't waste your time trying to second guess his motives, they are shit.

Dump now.

YouTheCat Mon 17-Feb-14 15:59:01

Run and fast. What a controlling arse!

If he's this bad at the beginning of a relationship just imagine what he'll be like once he gets his feet under the table.

coffeeinbed Mon 17-Feb-14 16:00:40


FlockOfTwats Mon 17-Feb-14 16:01:47

Exactly Morris, thats what i've said.
My OH gets slightly insecure over some of my problems but he is not horrible about them, he has told me quite politely and nicely what his worries are (He has worried i don't like him anymore recently).

There is no need for this behaviour.

Someone just asked what she's done to make him not trust her hmm

coffeeinbed Mon 17-Feb-14 16:02:04

Just noticed your name as well, OP.

FlockOfTwats Mon 17-Feb-14 16:02:30

MY thoughts exactly Youthecat. This relationship is literally weeks old. Not even a month yet i dont think.

FlockOfTwats Mon 17-Feb-14 16:02:51

grin Coffee.

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Feb-14 16:04:39

tell your friend to run for the hills !!
massive alarm bells!!

WeGotAnnie Mon 17-Feb-14 16:07:53

Bin off. No question. This level of jealousy is a massive red flag.

Kerosene Mon 17-Feb-14 16:10:29

Bugger that for a lark. Less than a month in, and he's already calling her names? What's he going to be like when he feels established in the relationship? I dread to think what'll happen when he feels insecure then.

She should cut her losses and DTMF.

caketinrosie Mon 17-Feb-14 16:11:26

Nope op, I'm right with you. Sounds like an absolute disaster waiting to happen. Hopefully she will be packing by the end of the week.angry

kentishgirl Mon 17-Feb-14 16:12:06

run like the wind (she won't need a personal trainer then, lol)

Newish OH went through a phase of being insecure - he worries he isn't good enough/Ill leave him. But he NEVER came out with such a load of crap, never tried to control me, never tried to prevent contact with other men, never prevented me going anywhere. I even went on three holidays without him last year, no worries.

there is a massive difference between feeling insecure about yourself - and being a jealous, controlling idiot who runs you down and says nasty things. Those comments about jumping into bed with anyone with tattoos and showing her cleavage to a man - those are absolutely horrendous. They demonstrate nothing but contempt for all women - and especially your friend.

Seriously nasty man. He will only get worse - this is about having a fucked up attitude to women, not personal insecurities.

pictish Mon 17-Feb-14 16:12:51

It's all kinds of wrong isn't it?

1. He's insecure about other men - jealous and possessive.
2. He thinks she has to do what he tells her to ie; her choices are his to make - entitled and domineering.
3. He was rude about it - no respect, bad mannered, aggressive.
4. He thinks she'll 'show him cleavage' - mistrustful and accusatory.

Just no. A thousand times no.

While we're at it, I hate the 'maybe he's just insecure, reassure him' approach. Insecure gets bandied about like it's cute and harmless, but it bloody isn't. Far from it.


MrsCosmopilite Mon 17-Feb-14 16:15:53

Friend's new man sounds like vile.

As kentishgirl said, Those comments about jumping into bed with anyone with tattoos and showing her cleavage to a man - those are absolutely horrendous. They demonstrate nothing but contempt for all women

FlockOfTwats Mon 17-Feb-14 16:21:31

She's such a lovely woman and she's been through enough crap with men she does not need this prick, i so hope she takes my advice (And the other people who said the same to her!) over any of this enabling 'reassure him' crap!

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Mon 17-Feb-14 16:22:13

Knob klaxon! Run like buggery. (Which will be great exercise)

CailinDana Mon 17-Feb-14 16:24:05

This is precisely the reason why arseholish men manage to get and keep decent women : because society, men and women alike (though often women even more than men) tell the woman that she's overreacting when she notices the first signs of trouble. They tell her her feelings don't count, she must reassure the man, kowtow to him, make things right. The really shit thing is that they are the same people who will be shocked down the line when the woman is ground down to nothing and question why she didn't leave earlier.

Insecurities are fine, we all have them. Treating your partner like shit is not fine, ever.

AllMimsyWereTheBorogroves Mon 17-Feb-14 16:24:26

For those who don't listen to The Archers, there is a relationship developing in Ambridge at the moment that all the MN aficionados here have known for weeks is going down those lines. Helen Archer has flung herself into an affair with a married man who has dumped his wife and moved Helen and her toddler into his house. He is clearly a nasty piece of work under a smooth surface, and Helen is right under his thumb. If only she read MN...

Crinkle77 Mon 17-Feb-14 16:25:52

deffo run for the hills

JabberJabberJay Mon 17-Feb-14 16:26:56

Agree. A half dozen red flags waving in the breeze.

Run for the hills. Quickly.

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Feb-14 16:28:48


SomethingOnce Mon 17-Feb-14 16:29:46

If he's prepared to reveal this about himself so soon, I'd be very worried.

Ruuuuuuuuuun, OP's friend!

(Can you show her this thread?)

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