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to think we should back each other up when it comes to disciplining the children?

(19 Posts)
Stinklebell Mon 17-Feb-14 11:47:18

Been having a few words with DH over undermining me in front of the kids lately. He doesn't always agree with my 'rules' so doesn't want to enforce them. I pointed out that I don't always agree with his, but however I feel about them I never undermine him in front of the kids and speak to him about it later when they're not around.

I'm not a sweat the small stuff parent, I don't have millions of rules, we're quite a laid back family, but there are times when I say something and I expect them to do as they're told.

So, for example,yesterday. Cooked a roast dinner. Called everyone to the table, cue a lot of moaning about something they're watching on the telly. DH is then 'oh, it's ok, they can eat in there, they're watching something'. We have Sky+, they can record it or pause it. DH is genuinely not bothered about where they eat, whereas I know, if they eat in front of the telly they don't eat much, they spend the whole time gawping at the telly and not eating and food ends up all over the couch. But, whatever the reasons, I said eat up the table, so IMO, that's what he should be encouraging them to do

In the mornings before school, we have a no TV until you're dressed rule, yet every time he's down first, the TV is on and they sit gawping at it, he then buggers off to work and leaves me to deal with the fall out

I know these things on their own aren't the end of the world, but it's just the tip of the iceberg really and I'm fed up with it.

If I feel DH is being unfair or OTT I talk to him in private, not in front of the kids. I feel we should be united as much as possible about stuff like this.

DD2 actually said 'you're not the boss, Daddy is' the other day.

I've spoken to him about this until I'm blue in the face and I've had enough.

Finola1step Mon 17-Feb-14 11:48:43

No advice but that would drive me mad.

Topaz25 Mon 17-Feb-14 13:49:42

YANBU but I'm not sure how to address it when you've already talked to him about it. Did you tell him what your DD2 said? Because that should show him the impact it is having on the DC, they need consistency.

ProudAS Mon 17-Feb-14 17:51:33

Walk away and leave him to deal with the fall out

RatUpADrainpipe Mon 17-Feb-14 19:01:08

How can she walk away proud when he's buggered off to work confused

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 17-Feb-14 19:05:26

Sorry this is weekends or every day? My advice might be diff maybe... Unsure.

Davsmum Mon 17-Feb-14 19:06:03

YANBU and you need a VERY serious talk with your DH.

I know you have already spoken to him but he is not hearing you! He knows how you feel about it so he is being totally disrespectful of you and your feelings.
Your rules are not petty - they are good rules which your DH should be enforcing as much as you are.

If he speaks out again in front of the children, undermining your rules you should not back down. Tell the children that its not negotiable and enforce the rule!

MamaPain Mon 17-Feb-14 19:10:15

DH and I have an agreement to discuss before changing the rules, so he would have just popped into the kitchen and checked with me before saying they can eat in the lounge.

It's not fair for you to always look like the bad guy.

I'm petty so I would probably reverse the situation on him for a day and then remind him he's only getting a taste of his own medicine.

mummy2brody Mon 17-Feb-14 19:15:24

I think your totally right everyone has there own ways of raising there children.. You both should listen to eachothers rule and agree upon them he's being selfish and unfair! All because he wants to be the 'popular' parent who gives them what they want well no that's not right.. You defiantly need words!

TheGreatHunt Mon 17-Feb-14 19:17:17

I wonder if he gets a kick out of this in some way.

I would talk to him about the rules and get agreement. Then if he doesn't follow through then you enforce them. Turn the TV off and say to your DH this is what we agreed, remember DH?

ProudAS Mon 17-Feb-14 22:04:30

Rat I meant bugger off herself before he gets the chance.

DamnBamboo Mon 17-Feb-14 22:08:29

OP I just wanted to say I wholeheartedly agree.
My marriage is on the brink because of very simiiar issues.
The brink!

sadbodyblue Mon 17-Feb-14 22:09:15

I would be absolutely furious. he is being a lazy twat by spoiling them and taking the path of least resistance and not backing you up.

I would have a very very serious talk with him about why he isn't taking parenthood seriously and undermining you.

if that was my dh he could whistle for sex, a cuddle or any nice contact whatsoever.

Wolfiefan Mon 17-Feb-14 22:09:31

There shouldn't be his and her rules! You need to agree as parents what the rules are and what the consequences are. If this doesn't happen the kids will be confused/not take you seriously/play one off against the other.

trampstamp Mon 17-Feb-14 22:10:23

Yanbu but it can be very very very hard sometimes

HighlanderMam Mon 17-Feb-14 22:10:38


It is one the most important rules. You are a team. You parent together. If you don't big big trouble ahead.

Ihavenopigs Mon 17-Feb-14 22:34:22

Way explained sounds like he said ok to watch TV and then you overruled him in front of the children. So depends a lot on whether these rules have been agreed before between you.

Stinklebell Tue 18-Feb-14 10:48:08


There shouldn't be his and her rules!

Oh, there aren't really, we have a few house rules which we both agreed on, i.e, no TV till you're ready for school (it's only school days, on weekends/holiday I don't care if they slob out on the couch in front of Cartoon Network while they shovel cereal into their mouths) yet everytime DH gets downstairs first, he puts the TV on

It's not so much his and hers rules, more that sometimes there'll be things that the kids ask for that I'm happy to allow and he's not, and vice versa - for example, DD1 asked for her ears pierced last summer, I was happy to allow it, he wasn't, so we talked about it together, I wouldn't go "oh, no it's fine, of course you can" in front of her, if you see what I mean

Way explained sounds like he said ok to watch TV and then you overruled him in front of the children.

No, what happened was, the DH and kids were watching TV while I cooked dinner, dished up, called them all to the table, the moaning began, called them again and DH piped up with the "it's OK......". I called them to the table, I kind of expect DH to encourage that, not go against what I've said, or come and said "how about they eat in the living room this once?"

It just seems that whatever I say, DH goes against and we end up with a ridiculous good cop/bad cop situation where I'm bad cop and overruled by the good cop and it's pissing me off

divisionbyzero Tue 18-Feb-14 12:17:08

You back up your other half, you don't undermine, you don't contradict unless obviously it is something important. It is not funny, clever or trivial to engender disrespect for the other parent in your kids, it is potentially setting your family up for problems and possibly your children for being disobedient or deciding they know better in some situation where it really counts eg: safety.

YANBU - time to have a serious chat with DP imo.

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