To have been really annoyed/hurt about what happened (sorry a bit long)(22 Posts)
I was at a birthday party with DD (4) at a friend of a friends daughter's birthday. I know the mother, but not well enough to consider her a good friend, but we see each other through my friend with the kids.
DD slammed a door and caught the birthday girls fingers and I told DD off and got her to apologise to the girl and told her how dangerous it was and that someone could get really hurt. This isn't the first time she's done it and she's actually slammed her own fingers in the door. It's not a malicious thing and it is an accident but it's something that has happened on a few occasions now.
After the girl had calmed down the kids went off to play again and DD slammed the door again not five minutes after this happened. I went to the room she was in and told her off and said if she did it again we'd be going home and told her off (no shouting, just in a firm voice).
The mother of the birthday child came and said to me (in front of DD), I think you're being too hard on her, you are too strick with her, she's a well behaved child and she's not doing anything on purpose. I said this isn't a one off and she needs to learn she can't do this (in my head I was thinking 'how dare you' but I didn't say anything as I didn't want to cause a scene at the party).
This woman then went on to say to me "well if you aren't careful you will end up becoming like your mother and she won't want a relationship with you". (Back story - I have no contact with my emotionally abusive narcissistic mother who has done some truly awful things to me. The reason this woman knows about any of this is she was at my friends house when some really upsetting things had been happening with my mother and had heard me talking to my friend about some of what was going on.) At that point I said 'you are totally out of line to say that to me and to make any comment on how I parent my child'. She apologised to me but was quiet with me for the rest of the party, as if I had hurt her feelings for calling her out on what in my mind was totally unacceptable. AIBU to think this whole scenario was completely out of order and to be upset? I'm very sensitive around the whole issue with my mother and being anything like her, so maybe I'm going over the top because of that one comment, but I'm still quite upset about the whole thing today.
Wow the woman was completely out of order! The way you parented your DD sounds sensible to me, slamming doors, even accidentally, can cause quite an injury so she does have to try to be more careful. Giving her two warnings seems very fair. The other woman should not have raised her concerns in front of your daughter but even if talking to you about it on the quiet was acceptable, making the awful point about your mother cannot be justified. I'm surprised you did not leave there and then!
It's horrible when you share stuff and it gets used against you in this way.
I don't share my abusive childhood in RL because of this.
It not only undermines you as a parent, it also dismisses and minimises abusive childhood experiences.
Only you know if she has fone this in error, or she is the type of person who likes to tell others how they should parent and has used your "weak spot" against you.
Or us she the type that thinks "she's still your Mothe, over reaction", or that real child abuse doesn't happen, if the children aren't removed?
I have come across both sorts.
I would have to discuss it with her, away from the children. You have cut if contact, but if those around you are constantly reminding you if this and bringing it up infront if your child, then damage will still be done.
You are right to be upset.
Birdsgottafly You are probably right about discussing things in RL. Really I shouldn't have had the conversation with my friend in front of someone I didn't know that well but it was one of those times when you are just upset and need to talk. I do think there is a lesson to be learned there.
Thanks for your comments. Glad I'm not being a drama queen about the whole thing
YANBU. Sounds like you were being a good mother and she made an interfering and wholly inappropriate comment.
Well, if you discipline your child in front of others, you are "too strict", if you don't, then its "crap parenting".
So you're overreacting.
YANBU - I would have done the same. The woman had no right to say anything like that to you, especially bring your mother into it. Well out of order!
she was BVU. how dare she say that to you!
The thing is we see a lot of threads where parents don't tell their children off when they're naughty and when you tell your DD off (which you were right to do) then you get pulled up on it.
I would try your best to avoid this woman in the future...of make sure its her fingers in the door when you DD slams a door next time
She shouldn't have brought up your mother. But I would have a little think about it if I were you. If you were brought up in an abusive atmosphere you may have inadvertently picked up some ways of telling off your child which do mirror your mother.
What you have described isn't unreasonable, but the way you did it might have been. If you came across as speaking in a nasty or cold way or as barely controlling your anger. Or that you seemed to be implying your daughter was an intrinsically bad child rather than one who had done something wrong. It's possible she also feels every time she sees you, your daughter is being told off.
I find it really hard to believe someone would say something like this without there being quite a strong provocation. I think possibly it might be worth wondering if it would be worth trying a more positive style of patenting?
Natalejaa assuming that was a typo and she's not over reacting ?
That woman was out of line, I would never criticise another parents method of discipline like that !
YANBU - she over stepped the line and good for you for pulling her up on it.
SeaSickSal I have had years of counselling because of the way my mother treated me and because I don't have a good point of reference read a lot of books on parenting to arm myself with as much as I can to ensure I do as good a job as I can do. DD is a happy bright child, who is challenging at the moment because she is four. I wasn't livid with rage, so was certainly not speaking in a way as if I could barely control my anger. I was telling her that what she was doing was dangerous and that was it. There were many other parents at the party and none of them batted an eyelid. My friend was quite upset that her friend had said this to me and said she would talk to her. She saw me telling DD off and certainly didn't think anything like that.
It's possible she also feels every time she sees you, your daughter is being told off. I've seen her on a handful of occasions and she's never seen me tell my daughter off before.
OP, that's terrible & hardly surprising that you're feeling hurt. What kind of person would use their knowledge of someone else's abusive childhood to undermine them like that? How vile of her.
FWIW, I think you handled the whole situation brilliantly by keeping your temper & speaking assertively to this woman. Can you avoid seeing her in future? Her behaviour says nothing whatsoever about your parenting, & everything about what a poisonous person she is.
LoonvanBoon I think I will avoid her as much as possible in the future. The one night I saw her without the kids on a night out she ended up getting into an altrication with a few of my friend's friends. I didn't see what was going on and she said someone had upset her/been rude and I took it at face value at the time. Perhaps she is just one of those people. I've only known her for a few months, so it will be fairly easy to avoid her apart from rare occasions like my friend's birthday and my friend's childrens birthdays.
You are not over reacting.
At four children can be taught not to slam doors, not only for the sake of fingers, but for the door, as well.
I had to get canvas zip up wardrobes to stop my two DD's taking their tempers out on the Wardrobe doors, because I didn't allow main doors to be slammed. They couldn't climb on them either.
That is a side point, though.
You were not over disciplining your DD, she had no right to get involved.
Even if you were being to harsh, in her house, say shouting etc, your past shouldn't of been bought up.
Children do not cut their parents off for having reasonable boundaries put in place. She acknowledged that your DD was well behaved, well that is to your credit.
The other woman has shown how little she knows about anything, but you will get this frequently.
My youngest is 16 and one good thing about your children growing up is having the confidence to tell other people that they are talking shite and not having to listen to the opinion of idiots.
You are still coming to terms with your past, so this has stirred up a range of feelings and has probably left you feeling somewhat vulnerable and doubting yourself (which you may have felt growing up?).
Cheeky sod. Take no notice, it sounds as if you're doing just fine parenting wise. Why don't some people mind their own buissness ?
Birdsgottafly It definitely stirred up feelings and really upset me as I am doing everything in my power to be the opposite of my mother. With her it was underhand comments and constantly trying to belittle myself esteem and always commenting on how I acted/felt as if I was some kind of extension of her with no right to my own feelings. I am so far removed from this as a parent it's untrue. I constantly tell DD she's clever, beautiful, loved etc (probably too much!!), so the only way my mother affects me is in that way, which surely can't be bad for a child. I'm not perfect and I have lost my temper like all parents do, but she is in a home where she feels secure and happy unlike I did.
maras2 Thank you
I thought you were going to say she told you that you hadn't disciplined your child enough!
That's the more usual thing. Bad luck, think you couldn't win in this situation! Fwiw - I get really upset when my kids slam doors.
You dont have to explain your parenting to anyone else.If I saw someone reminding their child that slamming doors was dangerous after slamming it on another childs fingers,even by accident, I would think that it is good that the parent is reinforcing the message.Seems to me she does not even know you and has taken a snippet of your life and labelled you as that is who YOU are,basically because your mum is such a way then you are.People have done this to me in the past in a different way and it is infuriating!Try not to let it bother you,you know you ate doing right and people who know you know.
If she has a better way of parenting, she is free to apply it to her own children.
You are the boss in that context, and since there was no issue of children being put at risk in any way, it is absolutely the case that she should butt out and STFU, as I think we all would.
Who attempts to undermine another parent in front of their child when they are rightfully doing their job? Personally I view that as a weird and questionable act in itself.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.