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to be a bit pissed off with I in the wrong?

(54 Posts)
SaveTheMockingBird Mon 17-Feb-14 09:22:49

I suspect I might be but I thought I'd gather some opinions.

DH is off work this week because it's half term and he is a teacher. He is looking after DS (5) who is also off from school.

DD is 3.5 and goes to nursery 4 days a week. I suggested to DH that she has 1 or 2 days off nursery this week and spend time with DH and DS instead as although it's all paid for, she'd rather be at home than go to nursery.

DH says I'm trying to control what he does on his holidays and he'd like to spend some one to one time with DS, and that DD gets 1 day a week off with me anyway, so DS should get some time alone too. Fair enough, I understand that, but surely 2 or 3 days of just DH and DS is enough for that? DH said he "might" take DD out of nursery for one day, won't commit though, saying I'm trying to control him and telling him what to do with his holidays (like my holidays are spend doing what I like...).

It's not a long day for DD, from 9-2.30, but it's more that she is not silly and she is now big enough to realise that DH is not going to work and DS is not going to school and this morning cried saying she wanted to stay at home with daddy. Really felt sad for her. Managed to convince her that daddy and DS as got lots of jobs to do and that I will take her somewhere special after nursery today. I can't do this for another 3 days. I do the school run and nursery run drop offs and pick ups, school plays, meetings, inset days etc all on my own and I'm also a bit pissed off that I still have to do it while DH is at home (DD's nursery is at my workplace). But I do it because it is better for DS to relax at home without having to rush out to drop off DD.

I think DH is taking her off nursery on Thursday, but it pisses me off that he won't commit to it and if I broach the subject he accuses me off trying to control him.

so...who's being unreasonable?

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 09:25:42

Seems fine to me - mornings with his son, then afternoon all 3 of them.

hercules1 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:25:55

Yabu. I am a teacher and no way would allow dh to dictate what I do including your scenario. I have 2 dc and the sort of childcare I've used over the years hasn't included holiday care otherwise I'd loved to gave done something with ds only.
You're right too- it's not a long day your dd is in nursery for.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 09:26:17

I presume he'll be picking her up from nursery every day?

LindyHemming Mon 17-Feb-14 09:28:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shoppingbagsundereyes Mon 17-Feb-14 09:29:11

Dd's nursery is at your workplace but you think that you shouldn't have to take her there? That sounds nuts. Why should your dh waste the petrol to take her where you are already going? I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. Older children get so little one to one time with their parents once they start school. I don't think ds can remember ever having time just with me after dd arrived. She got lots of time once he had started school.

SaveTheMockingBird Mon 17-Feb-14 09:31:43

No he won't be picking her up from nursery everyday. I will be doing that most days.
hercules1 I totally understand that it's lovely to do stuff with DS only and I am completely for that. well I guess yes it is not a long day for DD.
Just that she will be crying everyday because she knows that DH is at home this week so makes it worse for me to have to drop her off when she's like that. If she was totally happy to go to nursery, I'd be much happier with the arrangement.
but yeah I am probably in the wrong.

sooperdooper Mon 17-Feb-14 09:31:58

She'll be at home in the afternoons anyway, leave him be to organise the child care this week

Morgause Mon 17-Feb-14 09:32:16

YABU telling him what to do when he's off work. He can decide for himself what he thinks is best for both children. He's their parent as well.

JeanSeberg Mon 17-Feb-14 09:32:48

Even better then as presumably all 4 of you will be together every afternoon?

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 17-Feb-14 09:33:12

God, I hate it when people call bossy women "controlling".

Asking him to take your daughter out of nursery to spend some time with her is reasonable enough.

Getting in a snot if he's not keen is bossy and unreasonable.

But it's not CONTROLLING.

Controlling would be if you cancelled her nursery place and had bullied him for so many years that he felt he needed to give up work in response.

You can tell he's not being "controlled" because he said no, and he got his own way.

I think he's right to just enjoy the half term mornings with your son. It will be nice for both of them.

But calling you "controlling" is just ridiculous and makes him sound like a complete dick.

hercules1 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:33:50

Tell her dh has to go in to work and they will allow him to only take in with him dc over 5 during holiday time.

sooperdooper Mon 17-Feb-14 09:33:56

Also, not unreasonable that you drop her off if it's at your workplace, it'd be daft for your DP to do the same trip you're doing anyway

Elderberri Mon 17-Feb-14 09:34:20


It's his holiday.

Elderberri Mon 17-Feb-14 09:34:38

Eek yabu

HandragsNGladbags Mon 17-Feb-14 09:38:06

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It would be nice for the siblings to spend a couple of days together when they wouldn't normally. I know my 2DD's love being with each other.

And you aren't dictating to him, you're suggesting.

And you only suggested a couple of days, not the whole week.

What is it that he wants to do that he can only do with his DS and not his DD as well?

pictish Mon 17-Feb-14 09:39:04

I can see it from both sides. I understand you feel heartsore for your wee daughter not being allowed to stay at home with daddy. I can imagine feeling her pain. Awww.
At the same time though, if I were your dh, I'd probably feel as he does. I think you can suggest he keeps her at home, but if it was presented as decision made and you're a git if you don't agree to it, then I can see why he feels dictated to.
God knows I love my kids, but if an opportunity presented itself to have a break by only having one to consider, I would probably jump at it.

I dunno...I'm a bit yeahbutnobutyeahbutno about it.

magesticmallow Mon 17-Feb-14 09:40:05

Yabu and totally making a mountain out of a molehill too.

You are also being unreasonable to your daughter, I suspect she is only upset because you have created an issue and also because you are pandering to her, why are you promising her something special and then playing the martyr about not being able to do it for 3 days?? Dh and ds are on holidays did your not, when you get to big school you will be too - simples, don't pander and there won't be an issue. Your ds in entitled to this time too

sebsmummy1 Mon 17-Feb-14 09:43:57

I have this feeling that you want him to have to look after both children all day because you want him to realise that it's difficult. I could be totally off base but it feels as though your post is pissed off that he is getting the easy option of one older child and you want him to experience what you have to deal with maybe?

Either way the nursery is paid for, it's at your workplace, your daughter is having the afternoon with her Daddy and brother, I think you are picking a fight when it's unnecessary.

SaveTheMockingBird Mon 17-Feb-14 09:44:39

OK yeah I accept that I'm being unreasonable and I was being unfair on DH.

Yeah and it would be silly of him to have to make the trip to drop off DD too, I accept that.

It's just that it makes me sad to see her crying saying she wants to be with daddy, but DS does deserve one to one time and DH has lots of plans with him. We still have the afternoon together and I don't have to rush with DD to pick up DS from school and juggle both of them after school, and I'm planning on just taking DD somewhere after nusery to spend some quality time with her.

Thanks for your opinions, they were really helpful!

pictish Mon 17-Feb-14 09:45:29

Good for you OP...all will be well. xx

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 17-Feb-14 09:47:51

if an opportunity presented itself to have a break by only having one to consider, I would probably jump at it.



If I were him I wouldn't even consider your suggestion. blush

"eehhhhhhhh... No!" <---- my response

There's a HUGE difference between looking after just one 5 year old, who is probably pretty independent, and having a 3 year old too, who is still quite little and needs more looking after.

But I wouldn't call you controlling. I'd just laugh and tease you for trying to ruin my holiday.

Strawdolly Mon 17-Feb-14 09:48:45

It's down to the wording. You say you suggested. He says you're being controlling. Making a suggestion isn't controlling hmm

tiredbutstillsmiling Mon 17-Feb-14 09:49:12

I'm a teacher too. DD goes to nursery 2 days a week. I'll still take her as normal so I can do activities I enjoy (however I am pg so I may just sleep!). Let your DH enjoy his hol how he sees fit. DH wouldn't dream of criticising me for having 2 DD-free days. Plus we'd still be paying for her nursery fee so it makes financial sense too.

JoinYourPlayfellows Mon 17-Feb-14 09:49:35


That's the spirit - make the most of the freedom their half-term gives you - no school run, freedom for you and DD to take off from work/nursery and do some nice things.

I'm working this half-term, but it still offers certain possibilities that a school week doesn't smile

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