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To not go to my sisters wedding

(25 Posts)
mrso123 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:35:04

My sister is getting married in a few months and I am her bridesmaid. Its a small wedding in Spain with family only attending. We are from the UK so need to travel and pay for the week there. Have no children at the moment (TTC) and due to annual leave this will also need to be our holiday.

My DSis and I get along fine, but she dislikes my DP. They have never had a falling out and she doesn't direct her dislike of him towards him, only to me and snidey comments to him. In my opinion her dislike is unjustified, her whole basis of her not liking him is based on the fact that 2-3 weekends each month we spend separately (I see my friends on a fri, he stays in, he sees his on a sat, I stay in). This suits us. I have never once complained to her about this. But she sees this as me being left in every weekend on my own and therefore her is a terrible DP who would rather see his friends rather than me. DP is also largely indifferent to my Dsis (gets on great with the rest of my family), probably because he is aware of what she says about him behind his back. This, I feel, also adds to her dislike as she likes to be the centre of attention.

Essentially we do not have the same views on what is an ideal relationship. That is completely fine. I get on well with stbBIL, he is a nice guy and while I have my own views on her the faults (and good points!) of their relationship, I never voice my opinion to either of them or other family members. I also feel that I don't create a horrible atmosphere with my views (given that I keep them to myself and DP!), otherwise I doubt stbBIL and I would get on to the extent that we do.

Recently I have just been fed up with her attitude towards DP, constant little digs and then tonight she kept going in front of company (friends and GP) which was extremely uncomfortable. stbBIL also sits and nods his head when she voices her opinion. Maybe it seems a bit extreme to not go to her wedding but this has been going on for years, and it really gets to me. We are giving up going to a very good friends wedding to go to this and I just think its unfair to make DP (and me!) to have to spend a week putting up with her snidey comments, ruining our only break together.

Sorry its a bit of a rant but we had a big fight infront of everyone and I am so angry. Would I BU to not go?

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 20:37:36

No of course you wouldn't be unreasonable. She sounds a bit of a cow, to be honest.

Did you confront her this weekend, then?

phantomnamechanger Sun 16-Feb-14 20:38:18

why did you ever say yes to being her bridesmaid if she's always so bitchy about your relationship? surely if you are bridesmaid they pay for your flights/hotel etc?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 16-Feb-14 20:40:13

YANBU but I would have it out with her first making it quite clear it is your relationship and not hers. You don't interfere in hers and she needs to fuck off out of yours. Tell her if she carries on you will have to rethink everything to do with her.

She sounds a bitch tbh.

I think your separate seeing friends sounds great as a night in alone is lovely.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:40:22

I think you need to firstly calm down and decide when you are in a better frame of mind. Not going to her wedding is something you will not be able to undo. Can you not speak to her just the two of you and explain all of this to her?

persimmon Sun 16-Feb-14 20:41:58

Her behaviour is wholly unacceptable and you need to tell her so. Why should you put up with such rudeness?

persimmon Sun 16-Feb-14 20:42:59

..ultimately, how close are you really? Would it upset your DPs if you weren't her BM?

Monmouth Sun 16-Feb-14 20:43:34

You need to tell her this is not on.

I have many unvoiced thoughts about my SIL and, no doubt, she about me, but we rub along fine and that is all that is required.

IDugUpADiamond Sun 16-Feb-14 20:46:11

Why haven't you confronted her over her behaviour in the past? Not going to her wedding sends a very strong message and your relationship might not recover. Is that what you want?

Adeleh Sun 16-Feb-14 20:52:45

Agree with others. Your relationship with her may not recover if you don't go. You need to tell her firmly that her behaviour is completely unacceptable and you won't tolerate it any longer. It may be that she doesn't realise how much it upsets you. I'm not excusing her, but am wondering if she's v v immature rather than nasty.

mrso123 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:00:52

imperial-DP and I were out today and went to my parents house after dinner as they had guest round, and she started putting in little digs...are you not eating because your hungover? Oh he was here last night while mrsO sat in herself as usual etc. When I answered back because he was just ignoring her (which I should have done too!) we ended up arguing.

phantomI agreed to be her bridesmaid a last year, when her wedding was originally planned in the UK. It was originally a large wedding and I thought its one day, apart from this we get on fine and I could put this to the side to keep her happy for one day. DP wouldn't need to have too much to do with her on her wedding day. Now its only 16 people and a full week together it changes things a bit! Also I have paid for everything with the exception of my dress (mum paid) as she has said she cant afford to pay.

I have said to her before its not on, but I am not usually very confrontational and would rather say the minimum than create an atmosphere. I think I maybe need to sit her down and make it very clear how I feel and that if she doesn't change her attitude I can't continue to accept the way she treats me and DP.

I actually think she would be really upset if I said I wont come or be her BM. She is really excited and always wants help with her wedding/includes me in her plans for it etc, I think she values my input. Maybe she doesn't realise how hurtful she can be?

toffee-I love my Saturday nights in...I can spend them catching up with work, watching the crap TV I love and DP hates! It gives us more time to do things together during the week instead of me watching vampire diaries in one room and him football in the other on our own!

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Sun 16-Feb-14 21:02:06

YANBU, But I wonder why you tell your partner about the digs against him? WHat good can that do and only serves to make him feel uncomfortable?

NinjaBunny Sun 16-Feb-14 21:05:19

People only put others down and criticise them to make themselves feel better.

You do know that, right?

If she starts again explain the above ask her what's wrong.

Might make her pipe down a bit.

And don't bother going to the wedding. She doesn't care about your feelings, no reason why you should concern yourself with hers.

IDugUpADiamond Sun 16-Feb-14 21:08:26

I just don't understand why you won't have a serious talk with her about her behaviour (it doesn't need to be confrontational) but you're prepared to not go to her wedding, as if that wasn't massively confrontational! Also, you'll end up the villain here as far as the rest of your family are concerned.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 21:09:14

Sorry, what did he mean by "Oh he was here last night while mrsO sat in herself as usual etc"?

Was he at their house/your mum's house?

DoJo Sun 16-Feb-14 21:09:20

What happened with the big fight? Did you voice any of your frustrations over the way she treats your partner?

whatever5 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:15:13

You sister's habit of constantly putting your DP (and therefore your relationship) down suggests to me that she feels a bit jealous of you and/or your relationship. Is she your younger sister?

I would go to her wedding as otherwise you will probably fall out with her permanently which would be upsetting for your parents. I would try and avoid her as much as possible in the future though.

winterhat Sun 16-Feb-14 21:15:27

> I think I maybe need to sit her down and make it very clear how I feel and that if she doesn't change her attitude I can't continue to accept the way she treats me and DP.

Yes, I think that is the way to do it. I think you should go to the wedding. However, at all other times, say you will continue to see her, BUT any time she moans about your DP then the get-together comes to an immediate end and you will go home.

mrso123 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:29:04

vegetarian-I don't tell him everything, and largely tell him nothing now as you are right, it serves no purpose. But this has been going on for a while and previously when in his company if she said something quite slyly (mrsO left in as usual, what did you do last night mrsO, sit in alone for a change?) he would ask me later what was that about? I explained and told him her general view which led to these comments. So he knows what her views are, and generally what she has said to me. But I don't go home and say oh tonight dsis said this about you, he is just aware of her opinion and the fact that she doesnt say it directly to him, if that makes sense?

imperial-Sorry, wasn't clear what I meant, when I said he was here last night I meant to say 'he was (input name of pub/club/friends party/night out of your choice) last night'. Anywhere except with me!

whatever-she is my younger sister yes. She is very spoiled and used to getting her own way. Perhaps she is? She seems to have to change her DP (this one and previous) to make her happy. Maybe she is just annoyed that I have been happy with my DP as he is? Either that or she doesn't have many friends (was ill when younger, missed a lot of school and missed out on things her friends were doing like clubbing so they grew apart) and dislikes that we do things separately when she doesn't? Im not sure, I try to include her in my friendships aswell due to this but she hasn't treated my friends who I have introduced her to very well either. I realise this is completely off topic but when you mentioned it might stem from envy it made me think!

I'm going to have a glass of wine, calm down and text her tomorrow to meet for coffee during the week. Perhaps not going to the wedding was a knee jerk response, but it will be the outcome if she doesn't stop. I didn't say this to her in the fight btw! Dojo That was all just you need to keep your opinions to yourself, learn when your input is required (and me saying largely its not!), stop trying to belittle DP in company...except maybe slightly more angry!

mrso123 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:44:39

I have an idea now I'm a bit calmer, so I would appreciate the advice. I will more than likely go to the wedding (unless she just gets worse and worse!), but if after speaking her she doesn't change her behaviour towards DP do you think it WBU to attend her wedding in Spain, then the following day move to a different area and enjoy the last few days on our own?

I can put up with her attitude for a couple of days as I agree that not going will probably cause more harm than good, but I'm not sure I really want to spend the full week with them if its going to be like it is at home. She has a full itinerary for each day of the week for the wedding party so its pretty full on and spending time together each day. Its also not an option to go without DP, while she is rude infront of him, she is worse behind his back and I dread to think what her opinions would be if he didn't come!

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Feb-14 21:57:35

God, don't spend the week with her! Why on earth does she want everyone there for the week? Doesn't she want a honeymoon?

whatever5 Sun 16-Feb-14 22:02:28

I think it would be totally reasonable to attend the wedding and then move to a different area the next day. I would try and do that whether or not I was annoyed with my sibling to be honest!

mrso123 Sun 16-Feb-14 22:24:43

She wants both families to get to know each other and make sure we go to all the must see things in the area of Spain we are in. She is very controlling, likes to be in charge but probably thinks she is doing well!

I think that's what I'll do. At least that way I go to the wedding but don't have to put up with her too much and get a bit of a holiday too.

Adeleh Sun 16-Feb-14 22:55:33

That sounds v reasonable. But would still be a good idea to tell her firmly that her behaviour is unacceptable. Otherwise she'll just carry on.

anothernumberone Sun 16-Feb-14 23:40:41

I would not use the wedding as the flash point that is not fair IMO but I would certainly address it between now and then. I love my DH to bits obviously but I do moan about him from time to time but that does not give anyone else the freedom to moan about him as he is mine.

I would have a very direct chat with her that her behaviour towards you dp needs to change or you and she will no longer have a relationship. Have the fight now so it is not about the wedding. If she behaving as appallingly as she has to date I would not attend the wedding but it would not come as a shock if you were rowing before then.

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