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to wish people would stop offering...

(23 Posts)
macdoodle Sun 16-Feb-14 19:16:19

oh I know IABU sad
I am ill, properly ill, chest infection, knackered, short of breath, coughing manky stuff, and so much am peeing myself, I feel utterly shite.
I called in sick to work on Friday, in a job where it really isnt the done thing, and makes life very hard for my partners.
I am a single parent to 2 DD's, age 12 and 6. Ex is away and useless anyway.
I have lovely friends. My family are a good few hours away, my mum isnt great in a crisis, and my sister has her own young family and work.
And my friends keep offering to help, to let them know if they can do anything, to just ask. Which is lovely, but I am not an asker (ie stubbornly independant and proud to a fault).
My house looks like a bomb has exploded, dirty dishes everywhere, havent washed the school uniforms, and had to drag myself out of bed to do some very basic dinner. DD1 is helping, is now bathing DD2 and sorting out bedtime, and will help tidy and sort uniforms.
I am hardly going to ask my friends to come over and help me tidy, sort and feed us all sad But thats kinda what I need, so I wish they'd stop offering, because I'm not going to ask, and if they really mean it then just come over with a meal or something.
The only person I would ask is my sister, and she is too far way.
Oh I know IABU but am feeling ever so sorry for myself.

StickEmUpBigStyle Sun 16-Feb-14 19:18:12

All I can say is I hope you feel better soon. X

tripecity Sun 16-Feb-14 19:22:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FiveExclamations Sun 16-Feb-14 19:24:07

In the nicest possible way, stop being a noble prat and accept your friend's help.

I would not turn a friend down in these circumstances and would not think less of you or expect anything in return (though chocolate and cake is always welcome).

I do sypathise, I've only really learned to ask for help in the last few years.

Gargamella Sun 16-Feb-14 19:24:42

I sympathise. Sometimes when you're ill you want time off from thinking it through, and organising help doesn't really cover it. But your friends probably are genuine and just don't want to offend you by taking over. Could you ask one of them to drop off some chilled ready meals? Hope you feel better soon.EyE

macdoodle Sun 16-Feb-14 19:25:04

tripe, what do I say though? Yes thanks for help could you come over with dinner? or put a wash on for me? I find it hard at the best of time sad I fully accept it is hard for those who do need help all the time.

DoJo Sun 16-Feb-14 19:25:31

I'm sorry you're feeling so crappy and it must be terribly difficult to manage on your own when you're ill.

However, I would say that stubborn independence is all well and good when it's just you to worry about, but a bit of a hindrance when you have children. I am not one of nature's askers either, but I think I could put that aside if I was worried that my son would suffer as a result. (Not that I'm saying you are allowing your kids to suffer, just that sometimes thinking of it as asking for a favour for them makes it easier to do.)

Also, and I've only recently realised this, people actually LIKE to be asked to help in this kind of situation. I'm sure you have known someone in a difficult position and wanted to help, but not known what to do - wouldn't you have felt better if they had said 'please cook up a batch of shepherds pie or something and bring it round as I can't face cooking and want to make sure the kids have a good meal.' I know I actively enjoy knowing that I can do something practical for someone who needs it, so could you maybe think of yourself as doing a friend a favour by allowing them to help?

I hope you feel better soon - it sounds grim and although you are obviously capable, being looked after once in a while can be a blessed relief.

indieakka Sun 16-Feb-14 19:26:17

I used to think like that. But this year various things have made me realise that if people offer help, they generally mean it, and if you accept that help, they give it gladly. And they don't think less of you for needing help, you're human, not superhuman. And even if you are actually in fact superhuman, let them come over and wash your cape and cook your tea anyway grin - it sounds like you need and deserve a break, just like everyone does sometimes. Get well soon!

TinyTwoTears Sun 16-Feb-14 19:28:02

Just ask your friends (choose the one you think meant it the most!) otherwise you will force yourself to do stuff and stay ill for longer.
Get well soon thanks

MsUumellmahaye Sun 16-Feb-14 19:28:39

i always offer help, nobody has ever taken me up on it. i would love to think i could help out in your situation, accept the help. i think we all try to struggle on too much smile

Leeds2 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:31:22

Let your friend come and help! Even if it is just to feed your daughters, wash up or load the dishwasher and put a laundry load in. They will feel better for helping, and you and your daughters' lives will be easier.

Maybe one of them could look after your 6 year old tomorrow, assuming it is half term? You could do the same for her child/ren when you are better.

tripecity Sun 16-Feb-14 19:35:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

macdoodle Sun 16-Feb-14 19:40:30

Thank god its not half term next week here (in Wales), so both DD's in school. Will ask one of the mums to take and pick up DD2 for me, DD1 can sort herself there and back.
I have let work know I wont be in tomorrow and maybe Tues (am hoping antibiotics will kick in).
Offers of help are vague, hence the difficulty in asking specific. I know IABU but thanks all. This is always something I struggle with, I tend to withdraw when things are tough rather than reach out.

PinkyHasNoEars Sun 16-Feb-14 19:42:41

I know this is hard. I became ill about 2 years ago (with something that won't get any better) and I have had to learn to take all sorts of help. That sometimes includes "help" that I don't actually need or want, but I feel churlish to point that out to people, as they are so very keen to be useful.

I think the thing is to acknowledge that the poeple who love you really do mean it when they offer to help, they just don't know, specifically, what would be useful (and I think people worry about being pushy if they just "do" something).

Start parcelling out tasks - one job to every one who offers (something suited to them). You'll be amazed at a. how much better you feel when you're getting help which is actually useful and b. how good they feel to know they are supporting a person they love.

RufusTheReindeer Sun 16-Feb-14 19:43:44

Sorry, I offer help and assume that if they say no it's because they don't want me to help

I wouldn't rock up to your house with cleaning stuff if you said no as I think you would be annoyed with me

If they offer take advantage, as long as you don't take the piss they will be pleased to help

mygorgeousmilo Sun 16-Feb-14 19:55:35

Ask someone to bring something simple like fish and chips for tomorrow's tea. It's easy/specific/cheap/kids will like it, if they're offering, let them. If it was you offering, would you think someone was taking the piss if they said oh yes please bring me some milk? No, you'd take it to them, and probably take them something else lovely too. People like helping people, it makes them feel good too. I was going to say if you're in London then I'll help, but just read Wales which might be a bit of a trek :-) Also I think in the UK and in this day and age, people don't think it's OK to make kids do stuff. It won't hurt your 12 year old to understand how things are done, you could explain to her how to work the washing machine etc. Really hope you feel better soon, there's nothing worse than being ill when you have children, and sounds like you have a high pressure job. When they're at school tomorrow please just lay around and watch TV. No doubt it's well deserved.

Also agree with tripe - I have a chronic illness and can be bedridden for days, nobody gives a shit. Literally nobody (outside of DH and kids) my family and friends are more of the "let us know when you're better, and we'll see" type. So. Make the most of it :-)

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 16-Feb-14 19:58:00

It's daft not accept help when offered imo, what do you want,a medal?confused

macdoodle Sun 16-Feb-14 20:00:40

I'm actually embaressed by the state of the house TBH, not that I look much better. At least the DD's are clean now.

WilsonFrickett Sun 16-Feb-14 20:01:39

Ask someone to do the pick up for you.
Ask someone else to do a bit of light shopping - milk, bread, beans, something elder DD can put together for tea for a couple of nights. Lots of fruit juice etc for you.
Get DD's to do a wash together and scoop up any crap lying around the house into a box (emergency tidy up wink)
A very little amount of help will make you feel a lot better.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 16-Feb-14 20:08:36

If I offered to help a friend and they said "I'm struggling to keep on top of the washing... could you take a wash home for me" I'd happily do it. Likewise "I've no energy for a food shop, if you could drop in something we could have for dinner that'd be a huge help".

No way would I rock up, start cleaning someone's house and sorting out food for them without at least a little indication that it would be welcomed.

Stop being a martyr!

YellowDinosaur Sun 16-Feb-14 20:13:37

Please ask your friends. I would be delighted if someone took me up on an offer to help and you'd certainly get no judgement on your house. Genuine friends wouldn't offer unless they meant it.

Hope you feel better soon x

LeBearPolar Sun 16-Feb-14 20:18:05

When I say "Let me know what I can do to help", I assume the other person will say "Oh, could you possibly collect DD from school tomorrow?" and I'd say "Of course, no problem."

See how easy that conversation was? confused

whatareyoueventalkingabout Mon 17-Feb-14 14:16:26

you could always be honest and when they say "let me know what I can do to help/if you need any help" text back and say "i do need help but I am rubbish at accepting it and it makes me feel awkward. What help can you give me?" And then people won't offer more than they can do.

Whenever people are ill I offer to make them some healthy home made microwave ready meals as I make them for my lunch at work anyway and it's barely any more hassle.

I would text and say "do you want some microwave ready meals. No hassle as am making them for me, can drop off xxxxx"

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