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To be irked by presence of ex wife

(212 Posts)
Primadonnagirl Sun 16-Feb-14 18:33:30

...I think you may probably tell me to get over it but here goes.. DH rarely has anything to do with his ex..not acrimonious it's just as the kids are grown up there is no real reason for contact.However his parents are a different constant contact .They had a big photo up of her until recEntly . I should say we have been together 15 years. Anyway, this doesn't bother me but the " side effects " do...that is, every time we have a family event she comes too. It's all very civil but I think it's odd and TBH I feel very awkward. It's happening again soon...parents have a big wedding anniversary coming up and she's invited again.I can't do anything about it I know but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable..She's the mother of DHs kids etc.. I get that...but I'm his wife..I just feel "second best"...what do you think?!

whatever5 Sun 16-Feb-14 19:07:57

I can understand why you don't like it but I think it's tough luck really. My mother often invites her ex SIL to family events as she has known her since she (my mother) was a child and has always got on very well with her. She wouldn't do it if her brother minded but he doesn't.

I presume it's the same with your PILs. They wouldn't invite your DH's ex if your DH minded but they aren't so bothered about how you feel about it.

sadbodyblue Sun 16-Feb-14 19:09:07

surely at big family dos the gp want all of their family and friends around them. sounds lovely.

you have been his wife for 10 years now so obviously a fixture to his family and friends.

SparklyTwinkleGlitter Sun 16-Feb-14 19:10:15

I think YAB a bit U.

As the Grandchildren are grown up, she's obviously been a part of the extended family for many years and if they all get on well, it seems entirely reasonable for the PiL's to invite her.

I think you need to look at this from the point of view of the PiL's and their grandchildren. The PiL's want to celebrate the occasion with their whole family and naturally the grandchildren want both their mum and dad there.
In fact, I think it's rather lovely that the PiL's want to maintain these relationships.

It isn't about you and I don't think your feelings should be considered as if you are some fragile being. As you say, you've been with your DH for fifteen years so they're well aware you're here to stay.

Also, please don't follow the childish suggestions about missing family events that she attends. It would make you look incredibly petty and small minded.

I have grown up step children and am still in touch with an ex P of the oldest one (only via Facebook). I got on very well with her as we share similar interests but it doesn't mean I think any less of my DSS's wife. I love her very much but they're just different people.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 16-Feb-14 19:11:10

She is a friend to them as well as their son's first wife. Maybe you should have thought about making friends with her too and then you wouldn't be allowing yourself to feel second best. Only you is doing that. Nothing they are doing means that.

hickorychicken Sun 16-Feb-14 19:11:34

I dont find that strange, i know if me and dp ever split i would still see his family. I can imagine its really not nice for you though Op, im sorry i have no advice though.

paxtecum Sun 16-Feb-14 19:12:15

My XH siblings invite me to their family parties and I attend.

We've been friends since we were teens. My XH is a very selfish person and they actually prefer me to him.

My XMIL is just like my XH - they are welcome to each other.

I now have a dilemma as my DD and Son in law have just split up - I won't be taking down photos of the Son IL in a hurry as the DGC will notice they are missing.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Sun 16-Feb-14 19:12:52

I don't think it's weird. If they were inviting an ex gf who'd spent 2 months with him then yes. But they were married for 10 years. She is their grand kids mum.

Apart from which, if it's a big 'family' do, isn't it nice for your sdc to have their mum there?

youmakemydreams Sun 16-Feb-14 19:13:18

I think that yabu. The dc are grown up now but they were 15 years younger when you met their dad. They were together 10 years and is the mother of their grandchildren not a girl he dated at uni for 6 months.
My exh is an amazing father and a lovely person. My dp is a lovely person and offers to pick exh up from train station when he visits the dc. Exh stays at my parents house when he visits and is going on holiday with my parents, my sister and our children in the summer.
My parents love my exh and thankfully my dp is a grown up and understands this and is happy that we all get on. It is a great example to set the children and far easier we all get on as we have many years of our dc still being children ahead of us.

So what if mil prefers her your dh prefers you and that's what matters.

LizLemonaid Sun 16-Feb-14 19:13:40

I'm human and probably wouldn't LOVE that but I think it paints your pils in a good light, that they don't cast her aside as a pp says.

You can't re-write history. she had his children. There's always going to be good and bad and this is 'the bad' for you.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 16-Feb-14 19:13:56

It actually shows great loyalty from the in-laws and should your marriage fail you know they wouldn't cast you aside. Have you got children with your husband?

KingR0llo Sun 16-Feb-14 19:14:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMagnificent Sun 16-Feb-14 19:14:17

As harsh as it may sound she was part of their family before you came along. I have a lot of respect for your PIL to maintain a relationship with her. You say you feel second best but I doubt anyone views you that way. Your are their sons wife she is their Grandkids Mum.

Ratbagcatbag Sun 16-Feb-14 19:15:49

Hmmmmm, honestly doesn't seem odd to me, but then I'm best friends with my dh ex, and we all get on fab. I don't think it's saying your second best, I think it's just saying they like her too.

Primadonnagirl Sun 16-Feb-14 19:16:01

* so what if mil prefers her yor DH prefers you and that's what matters*

Yes you are absolutely right and I will remember that. and of course I will make sure I look my best at the party!!!

DoJo Sun 16-Feb-14 19:16:18

I wouldn't take it as a slight on you - them being friends with her in no way suggests that you are second best or that they think that you aren't there to stay.
They may well not think 'how does Prima feel' but then, I'm not sure that it's reasonable to expect them to. Your husband needs to think about you and put you first, but they are entitled to do whatever they want. I think it does say more about how you feel that it makes you so insecure about your position in the family, especially given that your husband has chosen not to say anything to them so the chances are they have no idea that it makes you feel this unwanted.

YeahThatsWhatISaid Sun 16-Feb-14 19:16:25

Sorry but I think YABU. You have been with your DH for 15 years! I don't see why you think it implies that your PIL think you are second best. Maybe they just see her as part of the family as she is them other of their grandchildren. It doesn't mean they think any the less of you.
I wouldn't say or do anything if I were you.

KingR0llo Sun 16-Feb-14 19:16:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bowlersarm Sun 16-Feb-14 19:16:36


You are their DSes current wife, and great that you are.

Your DH's ex is their dil, plus the mother of their grandchildren.

She deserves a relationship with them, regardless of their relationship with you.

One doesn't exclude the other.

YeahThatsWhatISaid Sun 16-Feb-14 19:18:37

confused why would you feel it nessecery to look your best at the party? You have been with your DH for such a long time. Is there something else going on that makes you feel insecure about her sad.

needaholidaynow Sun 16-Feb-14 19:18:42

I wouldn't want my mum and dad "together" if a family occasion came up. When they split things were always amicable, but they both moved on and have different lives ever since.

They haven't spoken to each other for years now. No reason to.

I couldn't care less if DP's ex and DP's family share family occasions together (which they haven't done so far), because I can't stand my "ILs" so his ex is welcome to them smile

TamerB Sun 16-Feb-14 19:22:38

I can't see why it affects you. I have a friend who is still very friendly with her ex's family. She has known them since she was 16yr old, there is a lot of history and she is the mother of their grandchildren. I don't think she would go to a big family do, but she loves them so still sees a lot of them. She goes on holiday with her SIL because they are good friends and both single.
You have your position.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 16-Feb-14 19:23:38

SingMore has a very good point. They have quite possibly kept her close as the mother of their grandchildren whether they are friends or not. Mature people are able to put their own feelings aside when there are children involved.

TamerB Sun 16-Feb-14 19:24:24

If my son broke up with his fiancée I would keep in touch-I have known her 7 years now and she is a real friend. I can't see why it would change.

Primadonnagirl Sun 16-Feb-14 19:26:36

My remark about looking my best was simply about feeling confident. I will feel awkward at the I have at other parties looking my best helps me feel better ..that's all.

hickorychicken Sun 16-Feb-14 19:31:07

I see what you are saying kingr0llo i should say maybe then im nearlly suregrin
I like to think that would be the case.
Its like my cousins dad is really good friends with her stepdather and her dad comes to family stuff all the time despite him and exw been split 20 years.

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