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AIBU?

To be irked by presence of ex wife

211 replies

Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:33

...I think you may probably tell me to get over it but here goes.. DH rarely has anything to do with his ex..not acrimonious it's just as the kids are grown up there is no real reason for contact.However his parents are a different matter..in constant contact .They had a big photo up of her until recEntly . I should say we have been together 15 years. Anyway, this doesn't bother me but the " side effects " do...that is, every time we have a family event she comes too. It's all very civil but I think it's odd and TBH I feel very awkward. It's happening again soon...parents have a big wedding anniversary coming up and she's invited again.I can't do anything about it I know but it just makes me feel so uncomfortable..She's the mother of DHs kids etc.. I get that...but I'm his wife..I just feel "second best"...what do you think?!

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PorkPieandPickle · 16/02/2014 18:37

I think it's weird tbh!!! They are perfectly entitled to continue a relationship with her, but why would they be inviting her to events like that?! Is it not all a bit awkward? And having photos up of her is a bit disrespectful too! What does your DH think?

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phantomnamechanger · 16/02/2014 18:39

how long were they married? how long has she been part of the ILs lives? why can't she still be their friend independently of her ex?

I'm not saying I would like it myself, but I can see both sides - it's not necessarily that they are doing it to spite you or to make you feel less welcome/important/permanent....it's not like they are trying to force him and her back together. Maybe its for the benefit of the GC, maybe they really like her, even tho the marriage did not work.

This might make you feel better. When my friend got engaged to her now DH and he arranged for her to meet his parents at their home, they only had his exW come round the same evening! Shock He stood up to them and they have now been together 20 years BTW!

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Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:40

He agrees with me but just ignores it and tells me to do the same.I appreciate there is nothing I can actually do but I just wish someone would think..hang on, how does this make Prima feel?

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HappyMummyOfOne · 16/02/2014 18:40

I dont think its weird. She was their DIL and will always be the mother of their grandchildren. Its lovely that they haven't just cast her aside as they obviously like her.

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Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:41

phantom that does actually make me feel a lot better!!

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KingR0llo · 16/02/2014 18:41

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sadbodyblue · 16/02/2014 18:46

sorry I think yabu. as happymummy says shes the mother of their gc and as such part of the family.

you say the break up was amicable so of course they are still friends and have a history with her. yes they invite her to their parties, again normal.

I expect they feel just as loyal and are just as fond of you op and I think it's just a situation you have to put up with.

but of course can see your side.

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sadbodyblue · 16/02/2014 18:47

to add if they are nice to you I guess they are just nice people who have no idea how you feel.

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reddaisy · 16/02/2014 18:48

It is very weird. If I was her I would decline their big event invitations politely but meet them separately if I wanted to.

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KingR0llo · 16/02/2014 18:53

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Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:53

Well FIL and I get on great but MIlL clear,y prefers her..Nb I didn't say the split was amicable I said there's no acrimony now...My point is I think after 15 years they would get I'm here to stay!!! And yes I honestly think in her shoes I would decline.

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PorkPieandPickle · 16/02/2014 18:55

Amicable split or not, their loyalty should be to their son, and of he feels awkward then they should not be inviting her!!

They should continue the relationship with her separately- jeez, i am on great terms with my ex but my DM wouldn't dream of inviting him to family parties!!

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KingR0llo · 16/02/2014 18:56

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tattychicken · 16/02/2014 18:56

I don't think it's weird, I think it's lovely. She's obviously still family to them. And lovely for the children to see her do included and see her picture on the wall. They are setting a wonderful example and I really think you need to grin and bear it.

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Jengnr · 16/02/2014 18:58

It's good that they've maintained a good relationship with the mother of their grandkids. BUT they should have asked their son the first time if he would feel comfortable with her being invited and he should have told the truth if they did.

It's a bit late now though.

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VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 16/02/2014 18:59

How long were they together OP?

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Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 18:59

Really.? A 27 and a 25 year old need to see their Mums picture on a wall???!!

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Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 19:00

They were together for 10 years..

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VelmaD · 16/02/2014 19:00

Yabu. Their party, they get to decide. I went to my exhusbands daughters christening, and my exhusbands girlfriends birthday. Raised a few eyebrows, but we are divorced we dont hate each other and the kids connect us all. They are friends with her in their own right, and are clearly happy friends for it to have lasted 15 years past the divorce.

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VegetariansTasteLikeChicken · 16/02/2014 19:01

If they were together for years and years and she was like family to them, do they really need to dump her because their son did?

You say they don't think about you when inviting her..but they probably feel that if the ex can get past it you can.

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Primadonnagirl · 16/02/2014 19:03

.. Er..why do you assume he dumped her???!!

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Sparklysilversequins · 16/02/2014 19:03

I think it's petty, pathetic and immature to have a problem with this. Everyone in an entire family having to do things your way because you are not comfortable with it? So what if your MIL prefers her to you? Presimably you have your own family and friends who love and prefer YOU don't you? It's amicable and there's good relationships going on within and extended family, do you know how rare that is and how good for the dc involved? Grow up.

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Leviticus · 16/02/2014 19:06

DH's parents divorced when they were boys. DMIL is still invited to large family events on DFIL's side and still socialises with his siblings. It's lovely and is in no way a reflection of how the family feel about DStepMIL.

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KingR0llo · 16/02/2014 19:06

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whatever5 · 16/02/2014 19:07

I can understand why you don't like it but I think it's tough luck really. My mother often invites her ex SIL to family events as she has known her since she (my mother) was a child and has always got on very well with her. She wouldn't do it if her brother minded but he doesn't.

I presume it's the same with your PILs. They wouldn't invite your DH's ex if your DH minded but they aren't so bothered about how you feel about it.

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