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to insist on not keeping company with someone I firmly believe to be a rapist?

(15 Posts)
KissesBreakingWave Sun 16-Feb-14 15:30:11

Seriously. I used to be a lawyer, and on the basis of what the victim told me, in tears in DP's living room, while she couldn't remember the specifics there was enough that the CPS would consider a prosecution in the public interest. Not going to get into the specifics but I think she's doing herself a disservice with not making it a police matter. There's also some backstory, bad character evidence, that puts me beyond reasonable doubt that it'd not take much of a following wind to secure a conviction.

She, on the other hand, has gone back to being in a relationship with him. Brought him along to the venue DP and I were at last night and asked me not to be 'difficult' with someone I'd cheerfully thump the living daylights out of on the slightest excuse. She made pretty much every rape-culture excuse in the book for his conduct, and I finished by asking her not to bring him to anything where I'd be present, as I wasn't willing to keep the company of the likes of him, or compromise my principles about such matters.

Am I being too harsh on her? (Him I'm not concerned about, his just desserts are four to six years in jail and a lifetime slot on the Sex Offenders' Register, me snubbing him in public because DP has asked me not to beat him into a thin red paste is NOTHING.)

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 16-Feb-14 15:38:30

I think YANBU to choose your company. If the victim is your friend, I don't think you're going to persuade her to take action by limiting the time you spend with her.

KissesBreakingWave Sun 16-Feb-14 15:45:08

No, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to persuade her of anything. She's got the shamin of rape victims written through her like the lettering in a stick of rock, alas. I'm really here for a cross-check on the assumption that I won't get anywhere with persuading her away from the turd in question by tolerating his presence, so I may as well insist on not having him around to make my knuckles itch.

MonsterMunchMe Sun 16-Feb-14 15:48:16

Id do the same as you. Refuse to have anything to do with him, but keep friendship up with her. Coffees in the day, girls night, cinema etc.

I've been doing it for 9 years with my sisters husband. It's exhausting and frustrating but I'm not going to pretend everything's ok to not make things awkward when they are clearly so so so wrong.

Thumbwitch Sun 16-Feb-14 15:48:49

No, you're not being too harsh on her. You are entitled to prefer not to associate with this person, and she should respect that, even if she can't respect herself enough to stay away from him. sad

However - you are unlikely to get her to cheerfully agree with it, because that will mean that you think he is actually a bad person, and to have gone back to him would suggest that she thinks he's "Not that bad really, just misunderstood/has a bad temper/didn't mean it/etc. etc" - so you would be challenging her view of him, and that will make her uncomfortable, which she won't like and therefore she is likely to reject you if she can't reject him.

Birdsgottafly Sun 16-Feb-14 15:51:08

I don't think that you should be happy to tolerate him.

People often do this for DV perpetrators, or rather their Victins, because everything in the garden has gone (temporarily) back to being rosy, but all it does is show that this isn't really a serious crime, that should be judged harshly.

There needs to be a zero tolerance and I don't believe, after years of having friends go through this, that it helps to not isolate the woman, the general outcome is still the same, but it's been socially accepted as a normal part of a relationship.

MyNameIsKenAdams Sun 16-Feb-14 15:52:40

There are people I know and love who choose to be in relationships woth people who are proven violebt / racist / arseholes/ abusives.

I still associate with the friends, but do not associate with their OHs.

In one particular instance I no longer go to the home of a friend due to her OH and they way they have acted aroubd and towards me, and additionally, towards her.


WilsonFrickett Sun 16-Feb-14 15:55:32

Of course YANBU but it is very difficult to find the right balance between supporting the woman, not isolating her further - which of course is what he wants - and not getting yourself done for assault!

I don't think that you should be happy to tolerate him, no, but suspect if you aren't the friendship will close down, which may not of course be the right thing for your friend. Horrible situation.

CromeYellow Sun 16-Feb-14 16:06:21

You're entitled to have standards with the people you choose to associate with even if your friend doesn't.


KissesBreakingWave Mon 17-Feb-14 12:28:11

Ooooh, she might be about to dump him. Fingers crossed.

bragmatic Mon 17-Feb-14 13:01:14

I wouldn't do anything that would alienate me from her. She might need your help. It's difficult though. I can see your point.

I hope she dumps him.

WooWooOwl Mon 17-Feb-14 13:04:08

YANBU to not want to be around him, but it's up to you to remove yourself from the social situations if you don't want to see him. You don't have the right to tell her not to bring him and then expect her to go along with that.

You can only control your own actions, not other people's. You need to respect this woman's choice no matter how wrong she might be about being with him or reporting him. It's her decision, not yours.

truelymadlysleepy Mon 17-Feb-14 13:05:43

A friend of mine was abused as a child, she didn't report it and never will. I know this person through my job and find it almost impossible to be civil to him.

But, your friend will need you one day. You can be a friend without socialising with her partner.

LessMissAbs Mon 17-Feb-14 13:07:30

YANBU. You know what the conviction rate is like for even those that reach court. By doing as she wished, you would almost be publicly accepting his behaviour, and I think she asks too much of you.

I've ignored people in public who have behaved badly. Its very effective. Doesn't have to be a big show, just sort of grunt at them when introduced to them and quietly wander off and repeat whenever they come near. They nearly always know why and get the message.

Topaz25 Mon 17-Feb-14 13:16:17

YANBU to not want to associate with him. However if your friend is in an abusive relationship she may not feel able to leave him, or to tell him not to attend events with her.

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