To let our friendship fizzle out? Might be a tad long.(20 Posts)
I will try to keep it short and keep drip feeding to a minimum if I can but basically, I met friend - who can be a little awkward at times - during a training week for new job in September along with another group of women. We all got on really well and everything was brilliant (before this I had been a SAHM for 2 years, so adult company was a godsend).
Skip to October/November time and awkward friend appears to be causing a rift within the friendship group (repeatedly calling oldest of the group an "old mare" and rubbing everyone up the wrong way). It eventually blew up when she told me "in secret" that one of the other girls had been bitching about me to her. It might help if I add now that I don't do this high school bullshit, so sat them both down together (with fair warning to both) to discuss it. We had a chat, put it down to awkward friend getting the wrong end of the stick and I say that I am happy to draw a line under it.
Cue then both falling out and awkward friend making every effort to segregate me from the group because otherwise she would be "left out". I managed to remain amicable with the others but this didn't go down well with AW and every time I dared to speak to someone she would belittle me in front of them. She then slapped me after I had a bit of banter with some bloke she fancied "as a joke" and generally made me feel horrendous (FTR - told her if she slapped me again I would likely take action of my own).
I let it slide, gave her the benefit of the doubt as it was a generally stressful week. Invited her over to mine and DHs for takeaway. She behaved no differently and slapped me a SECOND time and proceeded to flirt with my husband all night "as revenge for flirting with guy she fancied". Confronted her about it and told her that she was being a really rather horrible human being, effectively bullying me, that if it didn't stop when we were at work I was going to go to our senior and make a complaint and that I hoped this wasn't the way she treated her friends never mind out patients.
She cried her way through a whole week, claiming I didn't tell her I disliked being slapped (because, who doesn't, right ) and the things I said to her were just awful, followed by her being really, really sorry, promised to stop belittling etc.
Anyway, I haven't really felt the same about AW since and have spent more time with my other friends. I have since learnt that she hasn't been particularly nice about me to the others, claiming that I didn't deserve to be married to my DH and topped it off with "It's pathetic that she thinks she can start uni this year when she is going to have a newborn baby".
What I want to ask is aibu to let this friendship fade out slowly instead of telling her straight? Or should i try and resolve this for a second time? I am really rather upset by this whole situation and feel I might have been a bit harsh on her, despite her behaviour.
What exactly does someone need to do to you before you finally call it a day?
Am I missing something? This woman is not your friend. I would be polite at work but otherwise don't get involved and stop socialising outside work with her.
Letting it fade out sounds easiest, and less likely to cause her to kick off at you, so I would definitely do that. You've tried being straight with her on other occasions, and it didn't go well.
You will be well shot of her!
No fading slowly, disconnect immediately and if you feel you can tell her her behaviour is totally unacceptable. There is no point in trying to resolve it at all.
Make you manager and HR aware that you have been assaulted by her
Im not being cheeky but are you so desperate for company you are prepared to put up with anything, no matter how awful just to have another "friend". Otherwise I cant believe you are even asking!
Don't resolve anything.
Stop being a doormat, ignore her and report any bullying, verbal or physical to your line manager.
She sounds vile and to be avoided at all costs.
She sounds unhinged to me. I'd avoid her like the plague and I certainly wouldn't be seeing her socially. If she confronts you about it I'd be honest and say that you don't appreciate being assaulted, that flirting with your DH when you'd invited her to your house is totally out of order, and that her manipulative tactics to drive a wedge between you and other colleagues have failed.
I agree that because you were desperate for "adult company" you have allowed yourself to be in an abusive acquaintanceship, you are not and never were friends.
You met in September and within two months she had been horrible and assaulted you.
Just because you mix with other adults, doesn't mean that they are friends, friendship builds up by both parties enjoying each other's company and being a support.
I agree to letting others know that she has slapped you and consider going to the police if she does it again and inform your manager that will be your reaction.
If she has these tendencies she shouldn't be working in HealthCare.
Thank you, everyone.
ENormasnob Not a joke, a genuine question and looking for genuine input. Not sure if I was being cruel to her in some way by being honest with her.
Electryone Not cheeky at all, appreciate your honesty. I had broken it off with her before but, like i said, she makes it so awkward to actually have any other friendships that at the time it wasn't worth the hassle.
YouStayClassySanDiego Advice noted. Will speak to my manager and ask her to keep an eye on things.
Having read that back I do sound like a complete fucking doormat don't I?
It is very odd that you are able to confront the friend bitching about you but allow someone else to slap you. Twice.
She's slapped you twice now and you're worried about being harsh on her?
WTF?? Do you have self esteem issues? What did your husbands and colleagues say about her hitting you?
Birdsgottafly Thank you, what you have said is really clear. I will let other people know what has gone on and you can be sure that if she does it again I will be taking further action.
I think you have hit the nail on the head with desperation for adult company. Felt like I had lost my identity when I was a SAHM so really, really wanted a bit of adult normality IYKWIM.
I'm not usually a complete pushover. Anyone else would have likely been knocked out had they lain a finger on me, but for some reason I kept giving this girl the benefit of the doubt.
Thank you everyone for your input. I am fully reassured that I wasn't in any way out of order towards her.
Are you for real? This woman SLAPPED you and you didn't call an immediate halt to all further contact?
It's all a bit like an episode of Shameless.
I was in a similar situation to you some years ago, I didn't have many friends and put up with some unbelievable shit from a "friend". (including flirting with my dp). Don't waste any time, disengage. Yanbu, I know it can be hard to see it when you are the one in the middle of it.
I think in your lack of "adult normality" you've forgotten what normal looks like. Withdraw from this woman's company immediately... She sounds scarily mental. Notify your manager in work. Spend plenty of time with your other friends. It'll all come right, and you'll look back at this episode and wonder WTF you were thinking of.
Agreeing with birdsgottafly here. She sounds like a toxic abusive person and has attempted to emotionally manipulate you and your friends. When this failed she resorted to 'punishing you' physically and emotionally again.
You need to speak to your boss about her behaviour, make it clear that it was out of work but she has assaulted you and been very toxic. Tell him/her that she's a bully and you'll be having a civil work relationship when needed but nothing further. Make it clear that if she attempts to bully you in work you will be coming back to your boss.
Then clarify this in an email which you send to HR and cut her out completely. No friendship,communication only when needed at work and alays clarify all communication with her by email after in case she tries anything.
I will slap you if you do not get rid of her.
What? She slapped you twice? Agree with others, let HR know and take a big step back from her.
This woman is responsible for outpatients? In what capacity?
Join the discussion
Please login first.