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Is my friend BU or is her DP?

(37 Posts)
Morgause Sun 16-Feb-14 09:03:44

DF had been a SAHM for 10 years. When her youngest started school her DP said she should get a job. She was not averse to this but her previous career was not open to her without extensive retraining and she struggled to find anything that fitted in with school hours.

However, a year ago she found work at a local theatre. She has some set hours during the day but mostly it is evening work, 3 evenings a week (5pm - 9pm) with occasional extra shifts to provide cover for colleagues. She is also expected to work on rare Sundays when there is a special event.

This was working well until her DH took up a hobby that he is devoting a lot of time to. She doesn't mind this but what she does mind is that he expects her to find (and pay for) childcare when she's working and he wants to be pursuing his hobby. She says that it's up to him to find (and pay for) childcare if he chooses to pursue a hobby while she's at work.

Mumsnet jury he is being unreasonable, isn't he?

Sqveeze Sun 16-Feb-14 09:06:21

He is.

ColaConkie Sun 16-Feb-14 09:06:56

He is being unreasonable

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 16-Feb-14 09:07:04

Yes he's being a knob, and he should absolutely be sorting the childcare.

KingRollo Sun 16-Feb-14 09:08:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 16-Feb-14 09:09:28

He is

Is he a knob in other ways?

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 16-Feb-14 09:09:44

Oh and the opinion on here is that there should be a family pot of money, not his and hers. So presumably they needed her to go back to work for financial reasons? Can they afford childcare for his hobby? And if her money is spending money for her, she should NOT have to pay for childcare to enable him to do HIS hobby. Sounds very wrong to me.

petalsandstars Sun 16-Feb-14 09:10:25

He sounds like a twat

Morgause Sun 16-Feb-14 09:10:30

He doesn't do much around the house but DF had been happy with that until now. He is a very good dad, though, and takes the children off on adventures and plans lovely holidays for them all.

Inertia Sun 16-Feb-14 09:10:44

He is being unreasonable and sounds very selfish.

AGoodPirate Sun 16-Feb-14 09:10:50

If he pays her for her childcare work while he works and she is at home every day then that's fair enough.

YoniMatopoeia Sun 16-Feb-14 09:11:30

Presumably she looks after the DC out of school hours when he is at work? If she got a daytime hobby would he pay for childcare?

Inertia Sun 16-Feb-14 09:11:39

Why isn't it all family money anyway?

Monetbyhimself Sun 16-Feb-14 09:12:11

But the adventures and lovely holidays must only happen when he isn't doing his hobby ? Knob.

Pumpkinpositive Sun 16-Feb-14 09:12:37

Sounds like he's been used to calling the shots for 10 years whilst she raised the kids and now expects to carry on being totally uninconvenienced even now circumstances have changed.

Your friend should leave all childcare arrangements to him. Leave early for her shift if she has to, so he either has to make suitable arrangements for the kids or stay home to "babysit" (he sounds like one of those) and miss his own activity.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 16-Feb-14 09:13:22

He's a knob.

pictish Sun 16-Feb-14 09:13:51

1. Doesn't it all come from the same pot anyway?
2. If not, he is bu. Hobby does not trump paid work, the arse.

monkeysox Sun 16-Feb-14 09:13:56


Morgause Sun 16-Feb-14 09:14:08

It's the money thing that's annoying DF most. She isn't earning a great deal so why should she spend it on childcare for his hobby?

Both lots of earnings are meant to be family money but he spends much more and thinks that's OK because he earns more.

Morgause Sun 16-Feb-14 09:14:58

She's paid in cash and he expects her to pay the sitter from that, I should have said.

mineofuselessinformation Sun 16-Feb-14 09:15:23

She should tell him she already has childcare available for the dcs..... And then say it is THEIR FATHER.

pictish Sun 16-Feb-14 09:15:31

Then he's a prick.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 16-Feb-14 09:18:44

Right, so he thinks as a big important man he should not be inconvenienced by his children in any way.

His partner exists to make his life easier in what ever way he deems appropriate, not as a person in her own right.

He's a fucking knob.

Loopytiles Sun 16-Feb-14 09:22:19

He is being unreasonable, obviously!

Morgause Sun 16-Feb-14 09:26:51

Thanks, everyone. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

Time she put her foot down.

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