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Aibu or is she bridezilla?

(98 Posts)
horseycoursey Sun 16-Feb-14 04:43:45

I'm not sure if aibu so here goes...

Dsis is getting married in August. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and ds to be a page boy, but then decided to get married in Gibraltar (we live in UK) as that's where she and her dh to be met a few years ago (they have no other connection to Gibraltar and one guest us coming from there, all other 25 guests are UK based.

Initially I said straight away that I wasn't sure if I could come, she knows my work may prohibit it and accepted that but was disappointed. This was several months ago and all her guests have booked flights and hotels now.

A week ago I got permission from work for the three days off to attend the wedding. I told dsis and we were both excited. Then I started looking to book the trip and found that the price for ds and I to fly out and stay in an average hotel was £600 (excluding meals, ground transport etc) I was shocked, I realise I was stupid not to have realised before I said we could come.

I've told dsis that I don't think I can come now, as I'm a single parent and travelling alone with ds would be more than I can manage. She accepted this but seemed disappointed and a bit pissed off. Then our parents got involved, telling me the cost and difficulty in travelling with a toddler was a sacrifice I should make for dsis and her wedding. I did point out that £600 is three weeks pay for me but they pointed out dsis earns less than me and our other dsis is travelling with her two young children and her dh and hasn't complained at all.

At the moment it's relatively amicable but if I don't go it's likely to cause a family rift. I feel really annoyed to be railroaded into a trip that's not toddler friendly at all (anti social flight times, location on a steep rock not ideal for young children) especially as I'll be paying £600+ for the privilege :-(

Aibu to not go? Dsis had accepted I wasn't going due to work when she booked her wedding.

HellomynameisIcklePickle Sun 16-Feb-14 05:08:13

I think people who book a wedding abroad and get grumpy at those who can't afford to go are BU.

But you should either afford it or not. It's not fair to use all different excuses and that's why she's annoyed at you.

You're annoyed it's not toddler friendly so you're kind of implying if it was in Disneyland you'd find the money but it's on a rock so you're not going. Which will sound bad to your family.

I'm torn because I hate those who plan a wedding at a big cost to other people who can't afford it, but I think you should make every effort to be there.

angeltulips Sun 16-Feb-14 05:08:28

Personally I think that yes yabu - it's her WEDDING not a random family holiday.

But I'm sure lots of mumsnetters will be along to get suitably indignant on your behalf shortly

ohfourfoxache Sun 16-Feb-14 05:15:32

It's her choice to get married abroad, which she is of course entitled to do.

But she/your parents simply cannot force you to go. Three weeks wages is ridiculous, how can anyone say that it is a sacrifice that you should make? Would they rather you go to a wedding or be able to eat?

The no I can't come/yes i can/ no I can't isn't an ideal situation, but I think you know that. But it certainly isn't fair for anyone to tell you what sacrifices you "should" be making.

ohfourfoxache Sun 16-Feb-14 05:18:43

Angel op is a single parent and this trip will cost three weeks wages shock

I'm sure if she was able to afford to go she would, but unfortunately £600 isn't just a drop in the ocean

Chottie Sun 16-Feb-14 05:18:45

It seems to me that the cost is a lot for someone in your position. Would your parents help you out (i.e. give you an 'early birthday and Christmas present' in cash to help towards the cost?)

MidniteScribbler Sun 16-Feb-14 05:33:41

You had already said that you weren't going, so it probably would have been best left at that. All this will come, won't come is probably what is annoying her because she doesn't know whether to plan for your attendance or not. She may be holding a room or need to give the caterers final numbers. Tell your parents that if it is that important to them that you attend, then they can pay for your flights.

LoopyDoopyDoo Sun 16-Feb-14 05:50:55

I'm finding it difficult to figure out why you said you could go before looking at costs. With your mind-changing, no wonder she, and the family at large are annoyed.

That said, they have to accept that wedding abroad = important guests can't come. Sounds like she would have dealt with that OK, if you hadn't been so fickle about it.

So, on balance, I'm afraid YABU.

squoosh Sun 16-Feb-14 06:37:02

I'm not sure why you think she's being a bridezilla when it's your parents that are the ones giving you a hard time.

You've left it very late so if you can't afford to go you can't afford to go. Why did it take several months for your employers to agree to give you the time off?

DarlingGrace Sun 16-Feb-14 06:46:35

location on a steep rock not ideal for young children

Gibraltar has a population of 30,000, trust me, they have children. Young ones too.

However, I am firmly of the opinion if you want a wedding overseas, expect the waiter to be the only guest.

I'm reading it as - they decide to get married, the Op is bridesmaid, the DSis then decides Gib is the place to do it, the OP then announces she can't afford it. The parents then start with the emotional blackmail

SavoyCabbage Sun 16-Feb-14 06:48:29

I think it's the fact that you said that you were not coming and everyone must have been disappointed then when you were coming they would have been thrilled.

They are probably just upset. I would just focus on the cost issue rather than the difficulties you may face as it's more of a 'real' problem.

winkywinkola Sun 16-Feb-14 06:50:34

Is your sister pissed off or disappointed that you said you could go and now you've changed your mind again?

I think you are yabu because you should have researched everything before you said anything.

Why are your parents are taking sides like this though when they know your financial position?

Weddings abroad, otoh, are bound to lose attendance levels.

MiniSoksMakeHardWork Sun 16-Feb-14 06:55:16

She is not being a bridezilla - you've already said she was fine with you possibly not coming originally.

Yabu for not having looked into the cost as soon as she decided she wanted to get married in Gibraltar.

Your parents abvu to pressure you into giving up 3 weeks wages because they feel it is important. As they know your situation the least they could do is offer to loan you the money so you can attend. Have you asked them if they could do this?

Stick to the cost being an issue for attendance only. Using other reasons just makes it look like you don't actually want to go. And if that is the case, you should have stuck with work couldn't give you the time off.

StealthPolarBear Sun 16-Feb-14 06:56:40

Grace I assume the op was talking about the location of the wedding.
And yes the op is prob kicking herself that she said she could go but initially she assumed all that was stopping her was time off work. It's easily one that you assume it will be affordable,

chandlery Sun 16-Feb-14 06:59:38

I suppose she felt like you had lots of notice, said no, then said yes, then looked at price, then said no again.

Your sister is NBU to be disappointed but equally you shouldnt feel you HAVE to attend.

I don't think she's being bridezilla though, planning a wedding can be complex if its overseas and having you not coming/coming/not coming is hard to get her head around probably.

SapphireMoon Sun 16-Feb-14 07:53:35

If your parents are guilt tripping you maybe they can help with the cost.
600 pounds is a lot of money, plus as you say this does not include food and other extras.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles Sun 16-Feb-14 07:58:03

I just don't know how anyone can do this to their friends and family, book weddings abroad. It's so selfish and unfair.

Don't they realise that half the guests are moaning or fretting about the costs and childcare and time off work behind their backs?! Wouldn't they rather know their wedding hasn't put people out and cost them half a month's wages and that everyone actually wants to be there?

YANBU but I do think you'll need to suck it up and go as otherwise it will cause a rift. That's what I'd do FWIW.

Only1scoop Sun 16-Feb-14 08:00:09

Why is she a Brideszilla? She sounds like she understands your predicament and is just disappointed you won't share her day. She only has 25 guests so its not a huge affair.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles Sun 16-Feb-14 08:12:13

But why would you go ahead and book a wedding abroad if your sister initially said she probably wouldn't be able to go?

There are too many 'bridezilla enablers' around spouting 'your day, your way, hon' nonsense imo.

Btw I am not a wedding frother, I don't care how people word their invites, I don't care if people ask for money, I don't care if my kids aren't invited - but when you are costing your closest friends and family upwards of £600 (that's on top of outfits and gifts) it's not fair, it's selfish.

HelloDoris Sun 16-Feb-14 08:12:17

YANBU - it's an invitation not a summons. However have you looked at flights to mainland Spain rather than Gibraltar? If you can find cheap transfers it might well be a lot cheaper!

Twattyzombiebollocks Sun 16-Feb-14 08:15:57

It's your sister. I would mortgage my kidneys to be at my sisters wedding, and still go even if she decided to hold it on a boat in shark infested waters (I have 3 kids one of them a toddler and I'm in the middle of divorcing my husband so I know what you mean about travelling alone with small children, it's bloody awful)
I wouldn't do it for a non family member but I would for my sisters and would be cut to the bone if they hadn't come to my wedding.
Sometimes you do have to do stuff you would rather not do for family.
If you really really can't stump up the cash, ask your parents if they will sub you and you can pay them back.

bulby Sun 16-Feb-14 08:20:26

I second looking at flying to Spain and the getting a bus/coach/taxi. You could probably do it a lot cheaper.

WeAreDetective Sun 16-Feb-14 08:22:27

Not everyone feels like that about family, twatty. Just because its true for you doesn't make it true for everyone.

I think the sister has to accept that if she moves the wedding abroad then it will cut the guest list down. However, you should have checked the prices first really.

frugalfuzzpig Sun 16-Feb-14 08:25:14

If it's 3 weeks wages without all the food/taxis etc then surely it'll end up as more like a month's wages all in. That's crazy sad

Would your parents give you an interest free loan that you could pay back reeeeally slowly?

fatlazymummy Sun 16-Feb-14 08:30:03

twatty as a single parent your children are your family, ahead of siblings. They tend to be the ones who suffer if money is tight. £600 is a massive amount of money for many people who are on low wages, and a wedding is just one day.
2 of my siblings couldn't come to my wedding ,and that was in this country. It was upsetting, but I had to accept it.

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