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to think my marriage is over?

(102 Posts)
frenchdramaqueen Sat 15-Feb-14 23:26:25

First time poster, really need some perspective... so here goes. DH and I have been going through a rough time and had a massive row tonight. We have a 3-yo DD and tonight my DH basically threw to my face that the reason why we have been so stressed and at each other throat is because I (on my own) decided to go back to work after having her. He also said he understood my reasons for wanting to do so (that is I like my job and my independence, plus I would feel miserable as a Sahm) but since it was my decision and I have not given him any choice in the matter, I should assume the consequences! WTF!
DH is quite stressed at work, we both work FT (I was actually Pt for the first 2 Years I went back to work, gradually increasing my hours), the deal is he gets DD ready for the CM to pick her at home in the morning (I leave home at 7 for work) and I have to be home at 6 when the CM drops her. Now we have agreed that 1 day a week, I do the morning shift with DD (sounds awful but yswim) so that I can stay later at work. My workload has increased a lot in recent years and this is a solution I found so that once a week i am not so stressed having to finish all at 5 before I have to rush home as he does this. He agreed to this, which is great as he has a job with more responsibilities than I do, and I appreciate he is willing to do it. I can be quite stressed by work too but try not to bring this home. Tbh i have to as DD can be quite challenging at times and every night there is at least one drama (she does not want to shower, brush her teeth, efc.... normal behaviour of a child trying to test her parents limits anyway) so I need the headspace to stay calm and patient. DD behaviour has been a source of disputes because it is wearing both of us down and we disagree on how to deal with it. I think we should not tolerate this type of behaviour but keep calm nonetheless (DD is familiar with time out of course, so I am not that laxist) DH thinks af some point and not systematically there is nothing wrong with smacking... also he said a few times that DD is manipulative and evil, which upsets me a lot as I do not think such a young child actively thinks that she wants to make her parents feel miserable. Finally I have the feeling that DH does not appreciate me as a person, it is little things like him constantly pulling me out on my untidiness (although he admits he is a bit Ocd, he picks up crumbs on the floor with his thumb as soon as he sees them, moans about DD sometimes dropping food on the floor..) and my carelessness (ok I am not big on putting things away after use etc..) I have come to think everything I do is irritating him. I have tried to discussthis with him, but when I told him I thought he did not like me and i was sad and confused he was quite dismissive of my feelings and basically said sonething like don't be stupid and also got very defensive. I guess I was expecting another response, he is supposed to love me ffs and not belittle my feelings and LISTEN. Yet when I said that to him, he told me it was typical of me to judge him on everything he says or does, that I was a control freak (which is ironic since he also thinks I am a permissive mother and sloppy) ... I am not quite sure he thinks what he says or he is just trying to win the argument. Which would be worse in a way, I do not think it should matter who is right or wrong, we just need to work it out... truth is I do not know what to think anymore, I am doubting myself. Am I supposed to feel like a child as i do now, he obviously thinks I am unreasonable... am I? Thanks for all replies, I have been read so many threads trying to find answers to my questions but there is no other way to know than to post I guess...

Fairenuff Sat 15-Feb-14 23:30:38

When you decided to start ttc did you discuss childcare?

Fairylea Sat 15-Feb-14 23:32:36

I'm finding it hard to make any reasonable reply when my mind is stuck on the fact your dh thinks smacking is reasonable and your child is "evil and manipulative". Wtaf?!

Leave the bastard.

He sounds like a controlling prick.

Goofymum Sat 15-Feb-14 23:33:30

It sounds like you are both really tired and stressed. He shouldn't have said it's up to you to take the consequences of going back to work though. Is there any way either of you could reduce your hours? What are you like together when not so busy, like during holiday periods?

Madmammy83 Sat 15-Feb-14 23:35:19

I don't think your marriage is over. I think you're both stressed. I used to do a lot of the "are you mad at me? Did I do something? Are you sure you're not mad at me" until I'd wind DH up so much that he'd end up scowling or cursing at me and I'd wail "I KNEW IT, you hate me..". Are you feeling a bit guilty yourself for working long hours? I think maybe it's a storm in a teacup, but first thing you need to do is sit down and discuss a proper discipline system for your daughter. Nothing will work if you're not both united on that front. Maybe their personalities are similar and they clash - our DS1 has quite a similar temperament to DH and they can really grate on each other sometimes. I think you're both in a bit of a rut and need a chat and possibly a night out (or nice night in) if that could be managed at all.

I'm the OCD one in our house and I know it drives my DH absolutely mental so I just try to curb it when he's here. Just say to your DH that you'll make an effort to be neater if he'll make an effort to not pick you or DD up on every single little thing.

I don't think anyone's right or wrong here - I think you're both irritating each other and I think possibly you may be irritating yourself if you were to be 100% honest. I've been in the same mood umpteen times. It's a rough patch, you'll get through it if you pull together and compromise.

Nojustalurker Sat 15-Feb-14 23:37:53

Why does he assume it is your resoonsbility to,give up work to looks after child? Why he can't he look after child full time?

PolyesterBride Sat 15-Feb-14 23:40:59

This all sounds very familiar. I have heard that crap 'it's your fault for going back to work' from my own DP. I think you have to stand your ground and say you want to work, and why shouldn't you - he does. The childcare and related issues are jointly your problems to solve together.

The difficult to deal with child in all of this is also a familiar scenario to me. It sounds like you have very different approaches. It was helpful for us to go on a parenting course - would he do that with you do you think?

Otherwise I think you need to be clear about what you want and he can accept that or not. But don't give up work or agree to smacking just for him.

littledrummergirl Sat 15-Feb-14 23:47:08

Maybe she needs to see more of her parents. The acting up is a way of her spending time with you perhaps. I know from experience that when I was working into the evening my dcs became horrid. I have changed and reduced my hours and now get time with them to do things that are important to them.
They are nicer, we are all happier and my relationship with dg has improved loads.
It was very hard on everyone when I worked full time, it seems easier somehow when it is dh.

frenchdramaqueen Sat 15-Feb-14 23:47:50

Hi all, we did not discuss childcare arrangements before ttc in detail but I have always made it clear I wanted to go back to work after having children, this is not something I sprung on him all of a sudden, regarding smacking, to be fair he has never smacked her as he knows I would go mental. So he says he accepted my position (well he says I am deciding on everything when it comes to her anyway...) but still thinks I am wrong.... getting mixed messages there..

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Sat 15-Feb-14 23:52:30

Why doesn't he cut down his hours out give to his job?

He sounds like a catch.

FFS. I know you're probably both stressed, and toddlers are hard, but why is it automatically you who should give up work?

Gruntfuttock Sat 15-Feb-14 23:54:09

I just feel extremely sorry for your daughter. Are you both happy that you have her? Do both of you get any enjoyment from having your daughter?

Fairenuff Sat 15-Feb-14 23:56:39

Well it's clear that you can't both keep working these long hours so one of you needs to cut back. If you separated, how would you work out the childcare then?

Laquitar Sat 15-Feb-14 23:58:26

Why does he want you to not work? What are the readons he gives?
tbh you dont have very long hours, i don't know anyone who is home before six and he only gets dd ready at least he doesn't have to drive to cm like many parents do. I didn't know that cm's provide this service, sounds good.
So to me, no it dorsn!t sound like you have readons as a couple to be more tired and stressed than millions parents. You have fundamental different views i.e. smacking, working. That's the problem.

LEMmingaround Sun 16-Feb-14 00:04:12

So how long is your DD with the CM for? That is a really long day for her, maybe that is impacting on her behaviour? Is there any way that you and your DH can work together to reduce that?

frenchdramaqueen Sun 16-Feb-14 00:13:38

He says both of us working so much is the problem, really.. I am thinking also DD behaviour is not helped by our stress. I am working 8 to 5, this is nothing compared with what I used to do. I am not asking him to cut back on his hours either. We both adore our DD, she is such a bright and cute girl. I know she would like to see more of us but what should I do. I am not ready to give up work, I am actually the one taking a step back in my career at the moment, my only goal is hold down my job so that when I do want to progress later on when she is older, it is at least a possibility....not saying I would want it later on, I may change my mind but cannot accept at 33 I should give up on future opportunities.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Sun 16-Feb-14 00:17:27

I'd ask him why his automatic solution is you working less, and not him.

Dubjackeen Sun 16-Feb-14 00:30:42

He described your three year old as 'evil and manipulative'?

frenchdramaqueen Sun 16-Feb-14 00:51:58

He thinks if I gave up work we would all be less stressed. I doubt it though, there would be more pressure for me to keep the house spotless (and we have established this is not going to happen) and probably more pressure on him to provide if he would be the only breadwinner. He mentioned that sometimes when he gets home the washing up us not done, well yeah, I dont see DD all day, I want to play with her and ask her about her day, not rush to the sink as soon as I arrive! How is the washing up important? I feel he has very high standards and sadly I do not match them,the stress is just making it worse. If DD has a tantrum when he walks through the doof, he has very little patience, but I am the one dealing with it most of the time! Anyway it is getting quite late now, I should get some sleep. I know ainbu, it feels like I need to make things change. He would not give up work as he earns much more than I do, so not a solution either. Thanks for the replies, I felt I was going mad, feeling quite inadequate, but feel better now!

I'm concerned that Laquitar does not think 7am-6pm is a long day. It fucking is! No wonder you're tired and stressed.

Piscivorus Sun 16-Feb-14 01:03:34

I think you both sound very stressed and your DD does too. I agree she probably plays up to get your attention.

I understand you don't want to feel trapped by your DH and his expectations and want to maintain your career options but I think somebody needs to put your daughter first and it doesn't sound like either of you are doing that at the moment.

antimatter Sun 16-Feb-14 01:14:57

He gets home and complains that dushes aren't done....
Is there a dishwasher? Does he know how to operate it?

perfectstorm Sun 16-Feb-14 02:07:25

We have a 3-yo DD and tonight my DH basically threw to my face that the reason why we have been so stressed and at each other throat is because I (on my own) decided to go back to work after having her. He also said he understood my reasons for wanting to do so (that is I like my job and my independence, plus I would feel miserable as a Sahm) but since it was my decision and I have not given him any choice in the matter, I should assume the consequences!

I'm assuming the Angel Gabriel came down and announced that lo, a miracle, for a child would be born to you without hand of human man?

Smacking because a 3 year old is evil and manipulative? His life would be easier if you jumped down off the career ladder to completely free him from all household and childcare responsibilities? confused Wow. I say that as someone who's done stretches of SAHM and is embarking on another, because that's what DH and I have agreed and discussed, as a team. Not me abnegating all career interest to make his life easier. And his anger that you aren't doing all the childcare and housework is bloody appalling. Why should you? Is he from Life on Mars or something? It's his home and child, too. You both work - why should you be the one to give up a career you find fulfilling? Why not him?

As I see it, you have 3 options:

1) You both cut hours down to ensure more give in the system, and more parenting/household split. Both of you had a child, not just one.

2) You accept that while dd is so tiny, you need more help around the house; a cleaner in every day for an hour or two so the house is immaculate when you get in, laundry/dishwasher loaded etc; evening meals from Cook or bulk cooked and then frozen at the weekends, and so on. If you can't save, you can't.

3) Your H grows the fuck up and realises he's not a child and can't expect his wife to be his mummy/unpaid skivvy, and that with young kids about, and two parents who enjoy their careers, some standards will have to be relaxed for a while.

Laquitar Sun 16-Feb-14 03:18:03

Those hours are including commute. Long day comparing to some countries but sadly it is a stadard working day in UK. It is not unusually long.
Also for a father to dress his child -one child- in the morning it is nothing extraordinary imo. He doesn't even drop as the cm collects his dd. I wouldn't say that this is extremely tiring and it doesn't excuse the way he treats his wife and dd.
Imo the issue is that he has very high expectations from his wife and even from a child.He will probably be the same or even worst if OP stops working.
Dd is 3yr old, she is just a child. She is not evil and she doesn't need smacking.

On a practical level do you think that dd might be hungry or thirsty at 6pm? Does she have tea at cm or with you? Perhaps she needs smaller meals and more snacks? And water.
How is dh on weekends?

CinnabarRed Sun 16-Feb-14 03:38:20

Why would you be responsible for the washing up, which are presumably breakfast things he has left?

Why should you cut back your hours? Why not him?

CinnabarRed Sun 16-Feb-14 03:38:56

And I agree that the hours including commute are not long, particularly..

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