to think that DS's GF needs to sort out her priorities?

[Bogeyface]

He has (he found out today) an infection in his testicle as a result of a UTI. He is now on Anti B;s and doc says he should be fine as he did the right thing of going straight away that he felt sore and found a small swelling.

Turns out that his GF (and unofficial fiancee, dont ask, he isnt allowed to announce it yet, a whole other thread ) is a bit pissed off that it spoiled Valentines Day.

He feels bad that he ruined VD when imo he didnt! And she was going on about how much money she had spent on him (crass imo) without realising that caring about him when he is in pain and not well is a far better indicator of love than a padded card and a gift.

And you may have noticed that he didnt find out until TODAY that he had this, so the only reason it "ruined" VD was because he was feeling sore so presumably didnt want to have sex (he didnt tell me that, I am guessing).

He just talked to me about it and looked quite sad because he thought he had fucked up.

AIBU to think she needs to realise what is actually important? FTR, she was ill with Noro on his birthday, he didnt care about anything other than her being ill. She insisted he stayed here so didnt get ill too, but he was texting and ringing her all the time and worried all day about her. At no point did he say anything about his birthday (and their special planned meal out) being ruined, he was just worried about her.

[Bogeyface]

Oh and they are both mid twenties btw.

[deakymom]

its a bit immature isn't it? just thank the lord no children are involved preach contraception or else and pray the relationship dies or evolves into maturity

[emsyj]

YABU to be so involved in your DS's relationship when he is in his 20s. Smile and nod when he talks to you about it, and wait for him to decide for himself that he's had enough. Otherwise you will always be the bad guy who Split Them Up.

[AgentZigzag]

How old are they?

It might just be me, but the way you write makes it seem as though you're a bit too involved in what they're getting up to.

If it was something really serious, like she was controlling him to the point of abuse, then you could legitimately feel as pissed of as you seem, but she's just sniping at him.

Maybe she is a bit upset it didn't play out as she'd planned, and it's nice he was concerned that she was unhappy, it shows how much he cares for her.

Is that what you're worried about, that he looks to care for her more than she cares for him and he's going to end up being hurt?

If she's young then she's just being self centred, and that's pretty normal as far as I can tell.

[Bogeyface]

emsyj I am not so involved. I just listen and smile and nod. Tonight I said that he shouldnt worry about being ill, just to make sure he doesnt miss any of his tablets (he has form for that!) so to set an alarm on his phone.

These are my private MIL2B musings!

And yes Deaky I think it is very immature. He tends to take his lead from her and I have thought that he has regressed a bit in the last year or so in terms of knowing his own mind and doing his own thing. He seems to be very (hate this phrase.....but) hen pecked!

[WorraLiberty]

YANBU, she does need to sort her priorities out...she sounds immature and selfish

It's like the equivalent of my 22yr old DS telling his girlfriend she ruined Valentine's day by having a period.

He's quite the opposite and brings her hot water bottles and pain killers if she needs them.

I'd be ashamed of him if he acted as though it was her fault.

Hope your DS feels better soon

[Bogeyface]

I think my issue is tied up in the "secret but not really" engagement.

They are engaged, he proposed, she said yes. But until he can afford the ring she wants she refuses to accept that they are engaged. She has expensive taste so it will take at least 6 months for him to save up. She hit the roof when she found out he had told me, his dad and my parents despite the fact that she has told her whole family.

She has become very controlling and demanding since the proposal, and I agree that is doesnt bode well. But instead of standing his ground, as he used to, he is now bending over backwards to not upset her. Even his friends have said he has changed :(

I think that he is too frightened of losing her to argue with her.

[WorraLiberty]

I don't think the OP sounds too involved...just disappointed.

If she got involved that would be something else entirely

But to be sad to see your son/daughter being made to feel guilty for being unwell, is natural surely?

Imagine the response if OP had posted "My daughter's boyfriend is making her feel guilty for being on a period on Valentine's day, because he spent money on her"?

I'm sure there would be cries of "LTB" and "What a dick"

And rightly so...

[deakymom]

a friend of mine got sort of engaged he bought the wrong ring she wanted a PRINCESS CUT one carat diamond he bought her a rose cut and only 3/4 carat surprisingly they are married with two kids now very happy by all accounts

[Bogeyface]

tiggy she is actually older than him by more than a year, and sadly we have seen several tantrums over the years.

Her parents relationship is very telling. Her mum is definitely in charge, her dad always worked away until his retirement and then came out of retirement after 3 months...... Her mum is also very controlling of her and her sister, to the point where she entirely redecorated GF's house and GF just accepted it. They are not living together yet, and in all honesty (I would never say this to DS, he has to make his own mistakes) I dont want them to. The wedding is already giving me nightmares!

[Bogeyface]

I think that GF thinks that this is normal (why wouldnt she?), the wife does the telling, the husband does what she wants.

I just wish DS would stand up for himself, because if he could just see it it is obivous that she is more frightened of losing him than he is of her, and he could create a more equal relationship for both of them. As it is, he will always be wrong and she will always be unhappy, as it is for her parents. It shouldnt be like that for either of them.

[Bonsoir]

I think it is perfectly reasonable to talk to your DC about roles in relationships. It does indeed sound as if your DS's GF is very controlling and wants to run the relationship on her terms. I would raise this with your DS sooner rather than later if you think that he is unlikely to be happy playing second fiddle and supplier of funds in the long term.

[pigletmania]

Yanbu she sounds very selfish and self centred, I hope your ds wises up soon and LTB!

[AgentZigzag]

It's whether it's tipped over into being abusive though. Her being demanding is a whole world away from someone who's controlling someone else through an abusive manipulation.

He goes along with what she wants because he doesn't want to lose her, unless she's using well versed techniques that force him into doing what she says it's just him choosing to go along with her.

If your parents determined how you'd be to that extent then I'd be that's a lot of people who are fucked.

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

It doesn't sound great, but ... he's 20-something, engaged, and you know about the state of his testicles?!

If I were his girlfriend I might be feeling insecure enough to throw silly strops. It wouldn't excuse me doing that, but don't you think you are crowding them? There no chance of a normal relationship developing if they are crowded constantly.

[KellyHopter]

I talked to my mum in a fair amount of detail about a UTI i had at 27...is that not normal then?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I think it's indicative of a very close relationship, which might be ok, but sounds as if it isn't in the wider context described.

[TheScience]

This is going to be interesting when they have children...

[Bogeyface]

I dont crowd him!

He came in and was walking funny and I asked if he was ok (he has cerebal palsy so is sometimes in pain from his muscles) and said "Yeah. Well no (laughed) I've got grotty bollocks!" (his words!). I said I didnt think I needed to know, and he said that he had been to the docs and was told he had this infection. That was it.

My mother has an opinion on everything and always knows best, I have made a point of never asking, never getting involved and never giving an opinion (even when asked).

[Bogeyface]

We had a laugh about his "grotty bollocks" and he went into the the other room, then he came back and told me about the VD thing. We are close, we talk about most things. I dont see that being able to talk to your grown up son about things like this means that I am crowding him. If I said it was my 24 yr old dd, would you be saying that same?

[Bogeyface]

He asks my advice a lot, I dont offer it. Should I just not talk to him when he asks me?

Genuinely asking now as I have always thought we had a good relationship, but now I am worried I am the interfering mother.

[RhondaJean]

Bloody hell bogey if he had a throat infection no one would bat an eyelid at you knowing, dunno why because it's a testicle it's suddenly awful for your mother to know about it.

[LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance]

Out of interest, do you 'wear the trousers' in your relationship? I'm just wondering whether he's used to seeing mum make all the decisions when he was growing up and hoping my DSs are different from their dad in that respect