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to think that DS's GF needs to sort out her priorities?

(82 Posts)
Bogeyface Sat 15-Feb-14 23:15:13

He has (he found out today) an infection in his testicle as a result of a UTI. He is now on Anti B;s and doc says he should be fine as he did the right thing of going straight away that he felt sore and found a small swelling.

Turns out that his GF (and unofficial fiancee, dont ask, he isnt allowed to announce it yet, a whole other thread hmm) is a bit pissed off that it spoiled Valentines Day.

He feels bad that he ruined VD when imo he didnt! And she was going on about how much money she had spent on him (crass imo) without realising that caring about him when he is in pain and not well is a far better indicator of love than a padded card and a gift.

And you may have noticed that he didnt find out until TODAY that he had this, so the only reason it "ruined" VD was because he was feeling sore so presumably didnt want to have sex (he didnt tell me that, I am guessing).

He just talked to me about it and looked quite sad because he thought he had fucked up.

AIBU to think she needs to realise what is actually important? FTR, she was ill with Noro on his birthday, he didnt care about anything other than her being ill. She insisted he stayed here so didnt get ill too, but he was texting and ringing her all the time and worried all day about her. At no point did he say anything about his birthday (and their special planned meal out) being ruined, he was just worried about her.

Bogeyface Sat 15-Feb-14 23:15:41

Oh and they are both mid twenties btw.

deakymom Sat 15-Feb-14 23:17:56

its a bit immature isn't it? just thank the lord no children are involved preach contraception or else and pray the relationship dies or evolves into maturity

emsyj Sat 15-Feb-14 23:18:27

YABU to be so involved in your DS's relationship when he is in his 20s. Smile and nod when he talks to you about it, and wait for him to decide for himself that he's had enough. Otherwise you will always be the bad guy who Split Them Up.

tiggytape Sat 15-Feb-14 23:21:44

Well I suppose she must care for him not want him to catch norovirus.

But really, it is between them and all sounds very petty. The fact they are both in their mid 20's with such silly sulks and a secret engagement probably doesn't bode well for their long term future anway so you probably won't have to worry for too long.

AgentZigzag Sat 15-Feb-14 23:21:57

How old are they?

It might just be me, but the way you write makes it seem as though you're a bit too involved in what they're getting up to.

If it was something really serious, like she was controlling him to the point of abuse, then you could legitimately feel as pissed of as you seem, but she's just sniping at him.

Maybe she is a bit upset it didn't play out as she'd planned, and it's nice he was concerned that she was unhappy, it shows how much he cares for her.

Is that what you're worried about, that he looks to care for her more than she cares for him and he's going to end up being hurt?

If she's young then she's just being self centred, and that's pretty normal as far as I can tell.

Bogeyface Sat 15-Feb-14 23:22:47

emsyj I am not so involved. I just listen and smile and nod. Tonight I said that he shouldnt worry about being ill, just to make sure he doesnt miss any of his tablets (he has form for that!) so to set an alarm on his phone.

These are my private MIL2B musings!

And yes Deaky I think it is very immature. He tends to take his lead from her and I have thought that he has regressed a bit in the last year or so in terms of knowing his own mind and doing his own thing. He seems to be very (hate this phrase.....but) hen pecked!

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-14 23:23:07

YANBU, she does need to sort her priorities out...she sounds immature and selfish sad

It's like the equivalent of my 22yr old DS telling his girlfriend she ruined Valentine's day by having a period.

He's quite the opposite and brings her hot water bottles and pain killers if she needs them.

I'd be ashamed of him if he acted as though it was her fault.

Hope your DS feels better soon thanks

Bogeyface Sat 15-Feb-14 23:25:53

I think my issue is tied up in the "secret but not really" engagement.

They are engaged, he proposed, she said yes. But until he can afford the ring she wants she refuses to accept that they are engaged. She has expensive taste so it will take at least 6 months for him to save up. She hit the roof when she found out he had told me, his dad and my parents despite the fact that she has told her whole family.

She has become very controlling and demanding since the proposal, and I agree that is doesnt bode well. But instead of standing his ground, as he used to, he is now bending over backwards to not upset her. Even his friends have said he has changed sad

I think that he is too frightened of losing her to argue with her.

WorraLiberty Sat 15-Feb-14 23:27:24

I don't think the OP sounds too involved...just disappointed.

If she got involved that would be something else entirely

But to be sad to see your son/daughter being made to feel guilty for being unwell, is natural surely?

Imagine the response if OP had posted "My daughter's boyfriend is making her feel guilty for being on a period on Valentine's day, because he spent money on her"?

I'm sure there would be cries of "LTB" and "What a dick"

And rightly so...

deakymom Sat 15-Feb-14 23:28:43

a friend of mine got sort of engaged he bought the wrong ring she wanted a PRINCESS CUT one carat diamond he bought her a rose cut and only 3/4 carat surprisingly they are married with two kids now very happy by all accounts

tiggytape Sat 15-Feb-14 23:29:24

OK I see why you're upset in that case. This isn't really just about an immature squabble last night but how she treats him in general and how he's changed.

I still don't think there is an awful lot you can do though - if she were much younger than him, there might be the hope that it would get more mature, but since she is in her mid 20's too, this is probably more down to personality traits than immature strops.

Bogeyface Sat 15-Feb-14 23:34:21

tiggy she is actually older than him by more than a year, and sadly we have seen several tantrums over the years.

Her parents relationship is very telling. Her mum is definitely in charge, her dad always worked away until his retirement and then came out of retirement after 3 months...... Her mum is also very controlling of her and her sister, to the point where she entirely redecorated GF's house and GF just accepted it. They are not living together yet, and in all honesty (I would never say this to DS, he has to make his own mistakes) I dont want them to. The wedding is already giving me nightmares!

Bogeyface Sat 15-Feb-14 23:36:27

I think that GF thinks that this is normal (why wouldnt she?), the wife does the telling, the husband does what she wants.

I just wish DS would stand up for himself, because if he could just see it it is obivous that she is more frightened of losing him than he is of her, and he could create a more equal relationship for both of them. As it is, he will always be wrong and she will always be unhappy, as it is for her parents. It shouldnt be like that for either of them.

Bonsoir Sat 15-Feb-14 23:40:44

I think it is perfectly reasonable to talk to your DC about roles in relationships. It does indeed sound as if your DS's GF is very controlling and wants to run the relationship on her terms. I would raise this with your DS sooner rather than later if you think that he is unlikely to be happy playing second fiddle and supplier of funds in the long term.

pigletmania Sat 15-Feb-14 23:41:33

Yanbu she sounds very selfish and self centred, I hope your ds wises up soon and LTB!

AgentZigzag Sat 15-Feb-14 23:51:26

It's whether it's tipped over into being abusive though. Her being demanding is a whole world away from someone who's controlling someone else through an abusive manipulation.

He goes along with what she wants because he doesn't want to lose her, unless she's using well versed techniques that force him into doing what she says it's just him choosing to go along with her.

If your parents determined how you'd be to that extent then I'd be that's a lot of people who are fucked.

LRDtheFeministDragon Sat 15-Feb-14 23:58:38

It doesn't sound great, but ... he's 20-something, engaged, and you know about the state of his testicles?!

If I were his girlfriend I might be feeling insecure enough to throw silly strops. It wouldn't excuse me doing that, but don't you think you are crowding them? There no chance of a normal relationship developing if they are crowded constantly.

KellyHopter Sun 16-Feb-14 00:07:32

I talked to my mum in a fair amount of detail about a UTI i had at 27...is that not normal then?

LRDtheFeministDragon Sun 16-Feb-14 00:10:50

I think it's indicative of a very close relationship, which might be ok, but sounds as if it isn't in the wider context described.

TheScience Sun 16-Feb-14 00:21:38

This is going to be interesting when they have children...

Bogeyface Sun 16-Feb-14 00:22:06

I dont crowd him!

He came in and was walking funny and I asked if he was ok (he has cerebal palsy so is sometimes in pain from his muscles) and said "Yeah. Well no (laughed) I've got grotty bollocks!" (his words!). I said I didnt think I needed to know, and he said that he had been to the docs and was told he had this infection. That was it.

My mother has an opinion on everything and always knows best, I have made a point of never asking, never getting involved and never giving an opinion (even when asked).

Bogeyface Sun 16-Feb-14 00:25:25

We had a laugh about his "grotty bollocks" and he went into the the other room, then he came back and told me about the VD thing. We are close, we talk about most things. I dont see that being able to talk to your grown up son about things like this means that I am crowding him. If I said it was my 24 yr old dd, would you be saying that same?

Bogeyface Sun 16-Feb-14 00:26:57

He asks my advice a lot, I dont offer it. Should I just not talk to him when he asks me?

Genuinely asking now as I have always thought we had a good relationship, but now I am worried I am the interfering mother.

RhondaJean Sun 16-Feb-14 00:28:12

Bloody hell bogey if he had a throat infection no one would bat an eyelid at you knowing, dunno why because it's a testicle it's suddenly awful for your mother to know about it.

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