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To think that you become more cynical

(17 Posts)
Cat98 Sat 15-Feb-14 18:50:42

When you have been cheated on or let down, or know lots of people who cheat?

I don't know if it's my problem. Maybe it is. I am sort of referring to the current thread/s, but it's more a general realisation really. I think a lot of people are very trusting- when their partner is te texting someone from work for example and the texts are extremely over friendly - lots of people say 'it's ok, men and women can be friends'.
Well yes they can I believe but only to a point. In my experience one person at least is enjoying a flirtation or hopes something more might happen in these instances.

Maybe it's my experience that has made me cynical, but I could not be so blindly trusting if my partner was 'just very good friends' with a woman from work.

Make of that what you will.
I'm sure sometimes its fine. But many times it won't be. I've known people who are happily married and their other halves would have no idea that they go out and look for a shag - anyone will do even. But the front is a happy family with kids.
How do you know your partner isn't that person? And how do you blindly trust? Honestly, I wish I could sometimes.

MammaTJ Sat 15-Feb-14 19:00:57

I don't blindly trust any more, but there has to be some trust surely! DP is not the one who cheated on me, my ExH is!

(DP is too busy working full time and looking after the DC to cheat anyway)

JapaneseMargaret Sat 15-Feb-14 19:01:39

I'm very pro male-female friendships (I've personally never managed to sustain one without the bloke making a move, but DH has three very close, lovely women friends all of whom I really like, and my 73 DF has women friends).

It is entirely possible for men and women to be platonic friends and anyone who suggests otherwise is, quite frankly, wrong.

However I would never be so rude as to completely dismiss somebody else's read of a situation. If their senses are prickling, I think it's completely self-indulgent to tell them they're being unreasonable, that of course M and W can be friends, my DH has women friends, yada, yada, because that has absolutely zero bearing on somebody else's situation.

As for blindly trusting my DH, well, what can I say? I count myself lucky. All my exes have been nice people, I've never knowingly been cheated on - hell, I've never been dumped. The wider men in my life are also nice people. I'm a firm believer in the notion that most people - men and women - are pretty decent. My self-esteem is also pretty solid, which I think is probably not something to take for granted.

If DH did cheat, well, meh, more fool him.

harriet247 Sat 15-Feb-14 19:10:02

Ya absolutely nbu, almost everyone i know has cheated, and a few have been cheated on. I have been cheated on twice with previous partners, and ive been ow by accident. I dont think you should ever trust anyone completly because it leaves you wide open to the most painful heartbreak. My ex cheated and i truly never thought he would, he was my best friend in the world and we went through so much together.
My dp believes same as me that you cant be totally platonic with someone of the opposite sex, i think at least one of you is/has hoped for more.
I had to cut a couple of friendships qhen me and dp got serious, as i knew full well they wanted more and tbh i liked knowing it.

AgentZigzag Sat 15-Feb-14 19:42:06

I don't trust anyone.

It's easier that way grin

But MN gives good advice when posters say that if they are up to something then they're not the one for you, better to find out, and you have to assume they're not until there's strong evidence.

It makes it so you can relax and cross the bridge of worrying about it when/if it comes.

ViviPru Sat 15-Feb-14 19:55:21

Totally agree. I am repeating myself from the other thread, but I am currently living through the spectacular fall-out of a very recent relationship breakdown.

Prior to this, in spite of my Dad having had an affair in very unexpected circumstances, I have always been very laid back and trusting and relaxed about male/female friendships (my two BFs are male). I'm also rarely surprised and tend to see stuff coming a mile off generally.

After the past few weeks however, I've been shaken to my very core at how people you think you know inside out can behave in really quite shocking, unprecedented ways. I'm probably feeling quite raw currently, but it really has made me question everything and I can't at the minute foresee a time I'll ever shake this feeling sad

ViviPru Sat 15-Feb-14 19:57:26

Really insightful post, JapaneseMargaret

jacks365 Sat 15-Feb-14 19:57:56

I know I'm cynical but I've no desire to inflict it on a partner so I fully intend to stay single but with an abusive exh and a cheating ex behind me I feel justified in how I feel.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 15-Feb-14 20:07:48

I'm not trying to suggest I wouldn't be completely heart-broken if DH did cheat. Just that I know for absolute certain that it would be his loss and that I would be OK.

All of us come to our positions from our own life experiences, and there but for the grace of God...

I hope I am not complacent about our current situation, but rather am thankful and grateful for it. Possibly I am not sufficiently, some of the time.

JapaneseMargaret Sat 15-Feb-14 20:09:00


ViviPru Sat 15-Feb-14 20:16:59

Thanks JM

There but for the grace of God... has never rung truer for me than these past few weeks, DH is kind, loyal and open, but then we thought my best friend was all of those things too until he turned his DW's life upside down out of the blue.

I don't trust DH any less now, but equally, I'm not for one second about to declare "He'd never do that". It has made be even more determined to cherish and nurture our marriage though. I'm just cross with myself it's taken witnessing my friend experience so much pain for me to make such a resolution.

MamaPingu Sat 15-Feb-14 20:20:52

I feel the same OP, I reckon it's about 9/10 people I know have cheated or been cheated on.
And those are the occasions I know of!

DP (now ex) kissed someone while I was pregnant and lied about it for a long time whilst watching me cry.
I will admit to cheating once a long time ago in one of my first serious relationships but I admitted it immediately and ended the relationship.

It's the lying that makes me question whether I can trust people, not the cheating as much

Cat98 Sat 15-Feb-14 20:54:27

I was kind of expecting to be flamed and it's weirdly comforting to know there are others in the same boat. Though I wouldn't wish this uncertainty on anyone, I do think its advisable to keep one eye open and not to be blissfully unaware of any possibility that your world could come crashing down.

But not to keep this all about me. I do struggle with the idea of close male/female friendships being completely, absolutely, 100 per cent platonic on both sides - I'm sure it happens but I'd say it must be in the minority.

WitchWay Sat 15-Feb-14 20:56:45

I think it's like When Harry Met Sally - men & women can't be friends "because the sex gets in the way". I do have (& have always had) male friends but there's always a hint of a frisson, even if neither of us would ever do anything about it.

Cat98 Sat 15-Feb-14 20:57:46

And also - while I'm at it, I believe that each relationship has its own boundaries - it's not for someone else to determine if a woman is 'controlling' her partner, for example, by not wanting him to meet a work colleague for coffee or whatever. With obvious caveats relating to abuse - but overall a loving partner should choose to accept his/her partner's worries and allay them, or be prepared to leave the relationship.

LLM1001 Sat 15-Feb-14 21:09:41

Unfortunately my experience of male/female friendships makes me very wary of women befriending my DH hmm. However, i'm sure that it is possible if each party respects boundaries

SoldAtAuction Sat 15-Feb-14 22:31:32

I have to trust fully; I'd tie myself up in knots otherwise. We both have friends of the opposite sex.
I have been cheated on, in a previous relationship. I was hurt, my life turned upside down, and for a long while afterwards I was leery.
I made my DH pay for someone else's mistake. I was insecure, which lead me to be controlling.
Over time, I healed. DH has been understanding and patient, and has helped me learn to let go. By giving 100% of my faith and trust, I can fully relax and enjoy what we have, without it being scary.
I know that DH could cheat if he wanted to, he travels extensively, and has plenty of opportunity.
I trust that he wont, because of his love for me, and our children. I trust him to protect out marriage.
If he cheats, I would be devastated, but I would recover.

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