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to be furious with DH

(66 Posts)
Seriouslyknackered Sat 15-Feb-14 08:11:17

Have NC'd.

We have 2DDs, one age 4, one age 8 weeks. I am BFing so doing all night feeds while DH snores away in the spare room. In 8 weeks, I have only disturbed him and asked for help once at night, at around 4am after DD2 had been crying for most of the night.

Last night he had a night out with the lads. Prearranged and not a problem but it was likely to be a late one so I asked him to sleep at his mate's house so that he didn't disturb me or DDs. Both of us were happy with the arrangement.

Of course, DD2 chose last night to be awake for most of the night. I got 3 hours sleep, divided into 2 chunks. She has refused to settle since 4am and DD1 has been awake since 5am. At 5.30am I gave up and we all got up.

DH came in at 7am as agreed. He was still extremely drunk from the night before. I told him about the horrible night we had just had and he told me to go to bed. Obviously I can't leave 2 small children in the care of someone who is so drunk so I said no. He then told me to stop being such a drama queen and to get up to bed. I probably shouldn't have reacted but I was so tired that I did and ended up shouting that he should be offering sympathy, not calling me names. He then said that I was a horrible, horrible person when I was tired. The only reason I am so fucking tired is because I do all of the night care of our DCs and 90% of the daytime care while he swans around like nothing has changed in his life. So yes, maybe I am grumpy when I am tired but it is only because I am at breaking point and instead of giving me a cuddle, 'D'H calls me names. He will say that he offered me help and I turned it down but the offer of childcare from someone who is so drunk they can't walk in a straight line is hardly helpful. AIBU? I am furious but so fogged by sleep deprivation that it is hard to tell if I am BU or not.

technosausage Sat 15-Feb-14 08:16:16

Of course you can't leave your children in the care of somebody who's been drinking.

ElenorRigby Sat 15-Feb-14 08:18:23

DP says you YANBU.
He should be doing night care.

Why did you agree to him having a lads night out. Going for a few drinks ok but getting steaming and being out til 7am no way.

Seriouslyknackered Sat 15-Feb-14 08:25:58

It was one of his best friend's stag do. I had already said no to the weekend abroad but agreed to this night out as a compromise. tBF, I didn't think it would be that much of a problem as I usually do all the night feeds with DD2 and DD1 usually sleeps through from 7pm til 7am. So I thought it was better for him to stay out all night rather than roll in at 3am and wake us all up. Obviously the DCs didn't read the script though and chose last night to be sleep refusing monkeys.

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka Sat 15-Feb-14 08:27:06

He is BU expecting you to leave him looking after the children in that state. I know what it's like to be so exhausted, I haven't had a full night's sleep since before I was pregnant with DD2 (and she's 16mo). It's horrible. But <small voice> your DH is drunk, he's probably not at his most sensible or sympathetic.

Could you put a movie on for your DD1 the next time the baby sleeps so you can have a nap?

Beanymonster Sat 15-Feb-14 08:27:08

My dd is 1yo and my dp understands that even though he's in a high stress managements position, I work just as hard as him.. If not harder during the day.. He calls my job 'damage limitation specialist!'

We share the nights, if he's really tired and sleeps through her il get up, and vice versa. Normally we will decide who's turn it is, and then have a cuddle.. He's been on maybe 2 'lads nights out' since she was born, and he was drunk but not off his face because he's aware of his responsibilities. I think maybe it's time for a serious chat? I hate for the both of you he just didn't realise your a damage limitation specialist by day.. And can't be super women at night too!!

When he sobers up climb into bed and sleep it off, hope your okay!!

chrome100 Sat 15-Feb-14 08:28:52

YANBU although I think there was no way he'd ever have been in a fit state to look after the kids at 7am. I'd have asked him to come home later when hopefully he'd be of more use.

ElenorRigby Sat 15-Feb-14 08:31:51

Ah OK.

But still you really need a break. DP (night owl) used to do the 1-2pm feed/nappy change. I'd do the 5am feed. DD was FF so was easier to do.

Is there anyway he can help you?
Would he help you.?

altogetherwonderful Sat 15-Feb-14 08:33:46

Go back to bed now until lunchtime with little 8wk old. Don't say another word to him yanbu

He needs to get up, take paracetamol, get a hot shower, get other dd dressed & go out with her for a walk to cafe/park etc. (not a drive)

tell him nicely to get up & go out, that you'll be resting up in bed all morning/afternoon

You need to look after YOU, be selfish, take your rest! You only have birthed 8 weeks ago

NaggingNellie Sat 15-Feb-14 08:36:28

Hmmm probably would have been better for him to stay out,

7am is very, very late to come home.

BobPatSamandIgglePiggle Sat 15-Feb-14 08:36:55

Yanbu but now probably isn't the right time to sort it out.

I'd send him to bed for 1 hour to sober up, wake him then swop so I could get a coupl of hours.

Then I'd sit him down tonight and sort it out properly.

I wouldn't, I'm crap so would be shouting and screaming but I'm sure you're nicer

milkingmachine1 Sat 15-Feb-14 08:37:52

I'm sorry OP, it sounds like you are going through a rough time. I know how you feel, I've been there too. Although I don't do all the night wakings I have to ask DH to do it if I'm just too tired. So it's not something that he will instinctively do and I get woken up in the process. I also notice that I have to ask him to do domestic tasks, he won't see the massive pile of washing up and think "I'll just get on and do those as milkingmachine has been up half the night". Don't get me started on clothes washing...
Anyway, just wanted to say your are not alone. YANBU

altogetherwonderful Sat 15-Feb-14 08:38:18

Yy to putting movie on for older DC while you nap on sofa for morning

(If you're feeling kind & want to give dp a couple more hours to sleep it off)

But you need to recharge this weekend. Either this afternoon stay in bed or tell him you're ill & need tomorrow child free so you can rest

Surely he's capable of taking 8 wk old out with dd for the day? Cinema? Lego movie? Tinker bell movie?
Visit grandparents? Take them to soft play?

He's an adult - he will figure it out. But he needs to give you a whole day off tomorrow to sleep

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles Sat 15-Feb-14 08:39:51

'DH came back at 7am as agreed'.

^This is key isn't it? You both knew the state he'd be in so from his point of view he wasn't expecting a barrage of anger and resentment...Maybe you should have asked him not to go or to stay out longer or something that was actually workable? Coming back early morning shitfaced is not conducive to looking after the kids.

However, I really sympathise. A night like that can feel like a thousand years and of course you are knackered and pissed off and desperate for a break.

I hope you can go back to bed soon.

Supercosy Sat 15-Feb-14 08:45:31

I can't understand being out till 7 am when you have very small children. It's totally unnecessary, stag night or not. Of course he's going to be drunk and stroppy being up that late. Anyway, as it was agreed I guess it's going to be a case of muddling through today but of course you can't leave him in charge like that. I second the film for dd1. Good luck, I remember how horrible it is to be constantly tired.

quietlysuggests Sat 15-Feb-14 08:45:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe83 Sat 15-Feb-14 08:48:03

Well I d probably still drunk if late night little sleep and up and home at 7...

I have a 5 mth old who's reflux suffering from terrible constipation and excema, we are on our needs with tiredness, averaging 3 hrs sleep and back to work. So I understand the tiredness rage but he was nt unreasonable sticking to what you both agreed.

No he probably couldn't take them when he got in but losing your temper and having an argument with him was understandable but a bit unreasonable I d ask him to sleep for an hour shower eat take baby back to bed and leave him with the toddler.

Then later sit down and come up with a plan regarding nights going forward, I was doing most of them because I was worried bout dd so didn't want not to get up with her...telling him to go back to then raging he was getting more sleep. Not reasonable and unfair to we ve come up with a proper plan of how we are going to manage from now on. And it's helped less resentment and equal as we can possibly make sleep.

Hope you get back to bed for a rest today.

Seriouslyknackered Sat 15-Feb-14 08:49:35

Just had 30 mins back in bed with both DDs. DD1 snuggled up to me watching Peppa Pig and DD2 feeding/dozing. Came downstairs to find him sparked out on settee. I've sent him back up to bed to sober up. Unfortunately I can't rest this morning as it is DD1's birthday party. If he doesn't sober up quickly, there is a good chance he will miss it as we are setting off in 1 1/2 hours. Will be leaving him with both DDs this afternoon when he has sobered up though. And part of the deal of agreeing for him to go out on this night out was that he didn't go mad, bearing in mind DD1s party today. Maybe unreasonable of me to expect him to go on a stag do and not get legless but I thought that as a grown man, he would be able to control his alcohol intake. Obviously not.

ItitwrongtofancyHarryStyles Sat 15-Feb-14 08:51:22

Wow the drip feed of all drip feeds!!

'I can't rest this morning as it's DD1's birthday party'!!


Casmama Sat 15-Feb-14 08:56:39

Sorry you're having a shit time OP but this was a disaster waiting to happen - best friends stag the night before child's birthday party in the morning was never going to go well.

Supercosy Sat 15-Feb-14 08:57:42

Then he was even more mad to stay out till 7 am! Totally agree with quietly suggests.

countrybump Sat 15-Feb-14 08:57:48

I think you're both knackered today and taking it out on each other. You've been up with sleepless children and he's been out drinking. Neither of you are going to be at your best.

In hindsight, it probably wasn't a good idea to ask him to be home by 7am - it might have been better for him to stay away a bit longer. Your expectation was that he would come home ready to take over from you and get some rest, but that's unlikely if he's had a heavy night of partying.

Life with small children can be really tough, but it does get better. Get some rest today wherever you can and talk to DH this evening when you're both calmer. Be nice to each other. You're both tired, both entitled to a break, and also both entitled to go out and have some fun every now and again (although I get that that's really hard for you with an 8-week old and BFing!)

littleolewinedrinkerme Sat 15-Feb-14 08:59:23

I agree with quietly. There is no reason why he can't help with the nights. My husband has always done the 11pm feed and then from 5.30am, just so I could get at least a couple of hours unbroken sleep. He has a very stressful, demanding job abd sure, he was tired too but we were in it together. You need to find a way that works for both of you and the current arrangements clearly are designed to suit him, not you.

ShadowOfTheDay Sat 15-Feb-14 09:02:22

he had a prearranged night out, he was staying at a mate's because he was drinking and you didn't want to be disturbed.. to most men that would mean woohoooo I can have a proper drink I'm not on duty... you told him not to be back til 7...

He did not KNOW you would be up half the night...

If you had expectations that he would not drink so much, you should have spelled that out to him - he sounds immature, but you sound like you act as mum of 3 not 2....

rollonthesummer Sat 15-Feb-14 09:04:02

This was never going to end well, was it. Agreeing it was fine for him to come back after a night drinking, a couple of bourse before DD's party?!

What did you think might happen?

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