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To ask for advice / hand. Holding /perspective

(18 Posts)
sugar4eva Fri 14-Feb-14 17:45:33

I posted a while ago re dd who is gong out with a boy who has issues related to a violent past . He was in care and is now lying to get attention from dd eg faking illness. He has agreed to go to councelling which is good but in meantime he could put dd at risk she is 15 with the lies. He has promised not to but his family who adopted him say he is a compulsive liar which they link to trauma and low self esteem . I have spoke to dd re protecting self and him also stating that I understand but that I need my dd to be safe and respected.
The difficulty is that my ds has taken a diike to him after an event when the bit said he was ill when he wasn't and says he hates him and why are we as parents allowing dd to go out with in his words, a prat. He says good parents would not allow dd to be in this situation . I have explained that I'm trying to be mindfull if I ban him then she is likely to see him behind our back and be in places we don't know we're she is etc
Ds has come home tonight after hard day and this boy is round as it is valentines day . Ds very angry says he does not feel relaxed in the house when he is here. He says its my sister etc.
I'm struggling. Terrible atmosphere.

sugar4eva Fri 14-Feb-14 17:48:56

Dh out !

sugar4eva Fri 14-Feb-14 18:04:54

Bump in case

Topaz25 Fri 14-Feb-14 18:27:23

Oh dear, that's difficult, when is your DH back? How old is your DS? It sounds like he is just protective of his sis but he needs to respect your decisions as parents. I can see your point that at least if you allow the relationship you know what is going on, rather than them going underground. Can you spend time with your DS to distract him or do you need to keep an eye on your DD? Does your DS have his own space he could spend time like his room? Reassure him that you will talk to him about this issue later and you understand his concerns.

AgentZigzag Fri 14-Feb-14 18:35:43

I'm not sure you can stop your DD from seeing him when she's 15, I know lots of posters consider 15 to be still a child, but they're not really.

I'd have him round as much as you can wangle it, if they're at yours you can keep an eye on them to a certain extent.

You've already talked to your DD about keeping herself safe and self respect, to a certain extent what else can you do? Push the situation and she'll just go off and do it anyway but won't come to you if she has any problems.

I would make it crystal clear that whatever you think of this lad (and hopefully it'll fizzle out before too long) you'll always be open to talk about what's going on between them and won't outwardly judge.

How old is your DS? Is he influenced by your fears do you think? Could you play it down to him and say you're going to try to back off from them. Although it's lovely he's all protective of his sister, it'd never have entered my brothers head grin

sugar4eva Fri 14-Feb-14 19:10:51

Thankyou so so much for responding.
Ds has been reassured but feels v v strongly that we are letting dd down. Despite us telling him we are letting him come round so we can keep eye on her! He just keeps saying we should not allow it. Dh has brought alcohol for me thank goodness !

sugar4eva Fri 14-Feb-14 19:12:13

Ds worried about him getting intimate w dd.

sadbodyblue Fri 14-Feb-14 19:18:56

you sound absolutely wonderful and are doing what you need to do. if you stop this relationship she may meet him behind your back.

your ds sounds just like my dss. they are much older than the dds and very protective.

my lads hated dd3s bf, she's just 15 too. it fizzled out but they too wanted us to out a stop to it. we didn't and dd ended it all by herself.

please though talk about contraception. vital.

PurplePidjin Fri 14-Feb-14 19:26:59

Can you talk through ways to handle the situation with your ds? So, he says ban dd from seeing bf, you say what if she starts lying and seeing him anyway how would ds handle that. Lead the conversation round to where he has to agree that them being under your roof is the lesser of the two evils iyswim.

Could you have set nights when the bf is invited over? That way your ds can take himself off to a mate's house or take up a hobby on those nights and avoid him a bit

AgentZigzag Fri 14-Feb-14 20:11:30

What kinds of things is he lying about and how did you find out he was lying?

How old is the lad?

It's good he says he's going to see a counsellor, not everyone can come from a safe and stable home, but a lot of people who get dealt a bum hand can pull themselves through and come out the other side reasonably intact.

Aside from the lying (which like you say could stem from his low self esteem, another thing lots of people suffer from) do you like him?

sugar4eva Sat 15-Feb-14 08:52:31

Thankyou all so much for replies and support , I so appriciate it. I lack confidence in dealing with this.
Purple - I have explained to ds the reasons and the alternatives and he just does not seem to has occurred to me that he may be embarrassed that she has a boyfriend who is ' different' and feels sensitive that it reflects on him. We tol him all the reasons we are doing what we are doing ; to keep an eye on her, keep communication flowing etc. in the end last night I told him that we wd restrict times he comes round , that he needed to trust or judgment and accept our decision as he was upping the anti. He even used an historical argument to demonstrate why he thought we are wrong to allow this! He said he believes we are doing to appease our dd and appeasement gets people know we're as this was used when we tried to appease hitler a d ended up with a war! Clever!
Agent . We and his fam have pushed for councellor. He has done stuff like said he is ill and can't make it home then not answer phone. Also rang dd in school saying got go hospital When rang parents when we looked for him asked about medical condition they advised theses things not true they do no exist and he has not been in hospital , they also said that he is compulsive liar .do I like him ? Difficult; he treads dd like he adores her - I worry for him that he sees her as answer to his pain .and attatxhment issues he looks besotted. A huge part of me see s a kind young man who needs to heal and my heart goes out to him.this is coupled with his odd demeanour And my dh feels that he is a fighter; never heard that expression but dh thinks he may solve problem with fists . He has pushed a boy in school who crit dd . Very intense person. He struggles in school . My main issue is I can't trust him and I just can't tell what's true and what isn't when he speakers to me say about changing schools. So I guess I'm confused but my primary feeling is I feel he is a vulnerable boy who needs the chance to heal . I don't want dd to suffer for it and take responsibility and he has apologised to her about the lies. I have told him I feel for him and supported him but said in a kind but firm way he cannot out my dd at risk and to please think about poss consequences of actions .
Thankyou all so much and for saying that I was doing ok ; was feeling out of depth and rubbish / lacking confidence as a mother.

sugar4eva Sat 15-Feb-14 08:56:12

Apologies for typos ! I type as I speak and do t sometimes look at what I'm doing!

sugar4eva Sat 15-Feb-14 09:00:09

Sad thankyou so much for saying what you said . How kind .
How long did your dd go out w b f ? My dd seems to adore him , he is v flattering g to her and she loves it .he cooks meals for her, draws pictures for her ....

Dawndonnaagain Sat 15-Feb-14 09:57:24

Ds had the most awful girlfriend a few years ago. We were desperate for it to finish. We too were told to finish it for him, we didn't because we didn't want a Romeo and Juliet situation. It fizzled out. These things don't usually last, it's very rare to find someone who married their childhood sweetheart.

sadbodyblue Sat 15-Feb-14 10:33:47

op it was about a year. it literally was very intense for a while and then he dumped her. she cried for a few days, bloody awful, and then was fine.

her dss strangely enough were very angry that he dumped her even though they had always hated him!

you are doing everything you can. 15 is a young woman and you are right to let her fly a bit. what else can you do really?

as I said keep talking to her, keep telling her how to keep herself safe and to respect herself, talk about contraception because let's face it the biggest disaster would be an unwanted pregnancy.

I know most of my dds friends have had sex. she's told me. I have airways been honest and told her that when she feels the time is right we will go to the docs together and chat about contraception.

my one proviso with your situation would be any sign of violence it controlling if your dd is absolutely a no no. but sure you would step in then.

for the rest let it run it's course. oh GCSEs soon so that's a good opportunity to chat to them both about more time spent studying. dd has a lovely bf now and we have a Rota of seeing each other in the week to leave time for study and homework.

your ds is a lovely lad to worry like this mine were the same and more so as dh works away so they felt more responsible. sometimes I had to remind older ds that yes his views are valid but actually i an in charge here grin

sure it will all pan out. but wasn't it much easier when they were babies??? grin

sugar4eva Sat 15-Feb-14 10:53:24

Yes it was easier when babies! smile . But I do love teens ;) x thanks for reply !

AgentZigzag Sat 15-Feb-14 12:44:41

Definitely agree with sad that any sign of violence towards your DD would drastically change the situation, but pushing a lad who'd hit your DD I would say is reasonable on the face of it, I would hope any DC would stick up for their mate if they saw they were in trouble.

I can see this from the point of view that I was a troubled 15 year old as well as being the parent of a (relatively untroubled) 13 YO DD now, and know it can be like being on a ski run where things are happening so fast and have the potential to be dangerous but you know you have no choice but to let it run its course.

If you see the lying as a consequence of his past life, I personally wouldn't be too troubled about it. They seem to be about big things and for attention/sympathy and not malicious. Any manipulation of your DD through them seems to be for his own reassurance rather than to control her.

DD has a friend who lies all the time to make out she's better than she is or has done these exciting things (we call her the bear hunter grin) and it does make me uneasy about her even though I know there are things going on in her home life that aren't quite right. It's been a good opportunity for DD to learn how to negotiate the situations like not laughing in the girls face at the outrageousness of what she's saying or taking the piss/being sarky, because there's obviously something going on and she should be compassionate.

From what you've said though you're handling it really well IMO, if it's not this it'd only be something else smile

sugar4eva Sat 15-Feb-14 13:14:28

Agent that was really helpful when you said lies seem to be for sympathey - even tho one instance put dd at risk it wasn't intentional and it reassures me that he didn't mean to hurt dd

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