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DH - new baby and ou bedroom

(274 Posts)
Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 00:16:17

We have a 14 month old DS and a 4 week old DD

DD and I have been sleeping in our bedroom with DH since she was born

However, DH has said tonight that he would like DD and me to sleep in the spare room during the week as he is shattered join the fucking club

He has offered to,domFriday and Saturday nights with DD with expressed bottles so I can sleep then

However, DD is fed exclusively expressed milk (latch problem) so I'll still need to get up to express anyway in the night

DD currently gets up about twice a night. Has a bottle. I settle her and then express for about 10 minutes. Sometimes I put he on the feeding pillow and feed her and express at the same time. She is very good and I do not leave her to cry. DH seems to do a pretty rucking good impersonation of being asleep during all this hmm

I feel totally pissed off that we are being evicted from our bedroom. DH is 6 foot 6 so saying he can't sleep in the spare room as the bed has a footboard and he can't fit in - which is kind of true.

He has moved DD up to the spare room already - which has really pissed me off. It's like a Mexican stand off as I do not want to leave our bedroom and I feel like putting the monitor next to DH's head and getting him to do the night feeds - not that he would wake up. Plus DD is then in another room from us

I'm just so pissed off. Hearing how DH is soooooo tired. Yes. So am I. We also have a 14 month old DS and I feel that I am constantly "on duty" while at least DH gets to go to work. OK - he does do a lot when he gets in but I do not think it is reasonable for him to basically order me out of our bedroom whilst chuntering on about how tired he is. When we're both fucking tired. And everything to do with the DCs feels like it's ultimately my responsability. And it's like ducking ground hog day. I'd quite like to bugger off for a week and leave him to deal with everything

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 00:19:29

And I can't fucking spell I'm so pissed off.

Famzilla Thu 13-Feb-14 00:20:07

Can't he sleep on the sofa if you really don't want to sleep in the spare room?

You both sound very tired, which is not surprising. Maybe it would be best to discuss this on Saturday morning once you have had a good nights sleep.

PenguinDancer Thu 13-Feb-14 00:22:59

Everyone is tired/exhausted, exhaustion can make people grumpy and even turn them into arseholes. Breathe.

have this conversation during the day or when you've first woken, whenever you are both at your least tired. Don't do it now.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 00:23:32

I think I will be divorced by Saturday morning

He is speaking to me in a very slow and patronising manner - telling me that it doesn't make sense for him to sleep in the sofa/he doesn't fit on the sofa when all I have to do I just sleep in the spare room. Which is a lovely room etc. then we can all have a bed.

Er......who died and made you bedroom allocator?!

Stripeyshoes Thu 13-Feb-14 00:37:53

You both sound exhausted. I have had dcs wake me up nightly for the past 6 years - I am incredibly unsympathetic when dh tells me he is tired.

Honestly, I would do whatever got me (and him) the most sleep. Would it be so terrible to sleep in the spare room - or is it the fact that he asked you?

It must be non stop with 2 so close in age. Try to take care of yourself.

toobreathless Thu 13-Feb-14 00:43:04

Tricky.

Personally I would probably de camp to the spare room. I would then carry on doing the night feeds but DH would get up with both little ones in the morning and take them out leaving me to have a lie in for a few hours on sat and Sunday. This is what we did and it worked well, our age gap is a bit bigger but still a small one.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 00:43:53

Thank you stripey - it's the fa t that I feel ordered out of my own bedroom

And the "offer" o doing the feeds on Friday and Saturday nights is hardly helpful as I have to get up anyway to express. However, apparently I should be falling over myself with gratitude

Oh - an he's too tired for "work". Seeming to have conveniently over looked that what I do is "work" too. Relentless work. I feel like getting a full time nanny and goin back to work now myself. Or getting a divorce. Thn at least I would have every alternate weekend to myself. And the DCs can stay with each of us on alternate weeks.

mumminio Thu 13-Feb-14 00:46:55

You really do sound exhausted, reading this takes me right back to when we had a little baby.

Since you have to express anyway, can your husband at least do some cleaning/sterilization/feeding so that you can try to get a 4-hour stretch of sleep? If I remember correctly, getting 4 hours in a row did make me feel less tired.

Is there anyone else who can help you both? Like a relative or a close friend?

Wishing you the very best, hang in there. I do think you're being a little bit unreasonable, but you've just had a baby so you're allowed to be smile

BobFlemming Thu 13-Feb-14 00:56:42

You've got a few options perhaps -

Remove footboard off the spare bed (with the fucking breadknife if necessary!) and move him in there.

Put him and DD in the double and you decamp to spare room with new baby. Set it up just how you'd like, telly, new sheets, your special den

Extract from him promises of getting up EVERY morning with DD and EVERY weekend you get one big lie in till at least 11am.

BobFlemming Thu 13-Feb-14 00:57:50

By the way, I remember being that knackered and in the end we got a childminder to come in overnight two nights a week. That might not suit you but it's worth considering.

SomethingOnce Thu 13-Feb-14 01:21:01

Could he perhaps bend his legs a bit, or must he sleep absolutely straight?

softlysoftly Thu 13-Feb-14 01:22:03

I don't think his suggestion is ridiculous if the spare is a nice room. At the moment you are both getting broken sleep, I would have taken him up on the offer of 2 nights off and given a formula feed on those nights.

If you choose to express then he really can't help other than agreeing to do as many mornings / day stretches as you can fit it so that you can sleep too.

Newborn stage is a bastard DD2 Bf bottle refused and was on a 45 minute sleep cycle, nearly drove me nuts. Don't be precious about the bed thing, in the morning sit down and work out how you both get the absolute most sleeping time to get through the shitty period.

Hope things even out soon.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 01:24:51

Well you'd think he could bend his legs. You know. Like a reasonable person.

Anyway, we've just had a huge row and apparently he can't go to work in the morning as he's so tired. And will have to cancel all his patients. Like I give a fuck

Divorce is looking increasingly attractive. Then I wouldn't have a useless man child t deal with as well as two babies

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 13-Feb-14 01:50:25

Totally totally feel for you. We have a toddler and a four month old and I cannot stand DH even so much as mentioning that he's tired. Try not having a full night's sleep since 2011!!! I don't think anyone other than another breastfeeding mum can understand the sheer relentlessness of it, the trying to fall asleep when you know you'll be woken in half an hour desperation, it is so depressing! I know I am vicious if I speak to DH in the night, not helped by the fact that it takes him a few minutes to come round when he does wake. I mean, it's all very well telling me you'll help if I'm exhausted, but if I have to wake up to then wake you so you can do it, I might as well just do it myself!

With regard to the rooms, do whatever gets you the most sleep. Just make sure he knows that once this stage is over, maybe you won't want to move back!

It is hard going from one baby to two - be kind to yourself.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 01:53:06

It's a choice we've both made to express - so that DD can have breast milk. Not some weirdy, selfish hippy notion that I've randomly decided might be a good idea hmm

I do not want to give formula and I can't suddenly not express for two nights and (a) not expect my boobs not to explode and (b) not expect my supply to not be badly affected. So I can't just happily nod off on Friday and Saturday nights. I'll be awake anyway so it's hardly a great offer for him to do feeds on those nights. Which he has majestically suggested on the basis of "helping me out". Er no. It's called being a parent, you tool.

I'm now in the spare room as I actually can't stand the sight of the selfish turd.

holidaysarenice Thu 13-Feb-14 01:57:24

Well if he can't go to work tomoro he can have both kids and you can go out, get a coffee, read the paper whatever. Or go to a friends and sleep.

Gobbolinothewitchscat Thu 13-Feb-14 02:09:05

That would be nice ex pet I'm sure he'll flop about exhaustedly and probably won't bother his arse to get up with them.

Why should he. He had24 hour childcare on tap fro me. Although,apparently I'm really lazy a d don't do anything. Cock.

perfectstorm Thu 13-Feb-14 03:07:26

Ugh, I sympathise. My marriage looks shit when we have a new baby too - tiredness is killer. You're working even harder than he is, because you get no lunch breaks or time off. You have two tiny babies. But the fact is, if he gets too tired he could lose his job - that was how I coped with doing all the nights, and cope now. He may be acting like a precious little prince, but as you referred to "patients" is there a chance he could kill someone...? I'd also want to fucking kill him for suggesting that looking after his own kid is "helping you out" though. That adds insult to injury when he's basically suggesting he gets a normal week of sleep while you're on your knees.

He has to do Fri and Sat nights AND Sat day to give you a break, when not feeding. You are working all day and all night, and if you don't get that break you could crack up. That would help nobody. If he can't cope without sleep then he needs to register that you are coping on even less sleep, and caring for two babies similtaneously. And he also needs to register that he's being fucking rude; the suggestion may be practical, but the staggering rudeness, selfishness and mansplaining way he conveyed is anything but. And when he gets in from work, I sincerely hope that he pulls his weight with the babies and the chores - washing loaded, food prepared, eldest given plenty of attention. Not just "me man-earner, me put feet up after hard day." I would also suggest he tries to fiddle his holiday time so he can damn well take some in the hellish newborn phase. (My DH has done, this second time around. We learned after the purgatory of the first!)

Have you tried not expressing through the night? I successfully exclusively expressed for DS till 7 months (wouldn't accept solids till then; I wanted to sob) as he also had serious latch failures, and he was 98th centile from 3 - 8 months so I was clearly doing something right. I used to express a lot more if I didn't pump overnight, as the extra sleep mattered more to my supply. Hand compressions and watching something gentle and relaxing on the telly worked wonders, along with pumping for a couple of minutes after the flow dried up. I know everyone tells you you MUST express overnight, the prolactin will curl up its toes and die otherwise, but I looked up the peer reviewed evidence on expressing, of which there is not much - about 7 studies from memory, and it said sod all about that, while hand compressions and relaxation tapes (I translate that to good telly or a DVD) worked. Double pumping made no difference, to me or the trial subjects. Might be worth trying a night where you don't pump, and see how much you get out that morning? Also, do you have a decent pump - a Medela Swing or Ameda Lactaline, for example, and do you have breast flanges in the right size, as the standard ones don't fit most people and if too large/small, flow is impeded?

I was given so much advice on how to successfully express, and things went far better when I followed my instincts and opted for more sleep, comfort telly, comfort food and plenty of skin to skin cuddles to encourage hormonal responses instead of through the night expressing sessions. After all, most of those advising have never actually done it.

lucy101 Thu 13-Feb-14 03:39:02

My husband was not dissimilar but he just couldn't do his job if he was on his knees with exhaustion, it would have been dangerous (and one of us had to earn some money), whereas I could muddle through childcare. You do need to get a bed that actually works for him or both of you in the spare room and set the room up properly so that it is actually comfortable. Perhaps you need some more help in the day so you can catch up some sleep. If you (both) agree that you want to continue that expressing schedule then you (both) need to get the support you need to do that. I had a hellish schedule too... its very hard to think clearly when you are wiped out.

TobyLerone Thu 13-Feb-14 03:46:18

I'd probably punch him <helpful>

I actually can't believe that here on MN, home of 'LTB', you're being told that it's just because you're a bit tired, rather than the fact that your husband is being a colossally selfish thundercunt.

TobyLerone Thu 13-Feb-14 03:48:16

Fuck 'on his knees with exhaustion'. He's asleep, much like my snoring pig husband is next to me while I'm up with newborn DD.

HicDraconis Thu 13-Feb-14 03:57:04

Going to try and be gentle here. You are obviously exhausted and I remember how shit night after night of broken sleep was. It's enough to drive anyone to a mental breakdown (sleep deprivation being a recognised form of torture).

However you mention patients. What sort of doctor is your DH? There are some specialities that if you go in tired or under par you could end up killing or seriously brain damaging someone because your processing speeds are significantly impaired on low or poor quality sleep. It's why the junior doctors rosters were all rewritten a few years ago.

I think, in a spectacularly clumsy way, his idea has merit in that he gets unbroken / undisturbed sleep if you are in separate rooms. And it makes sense for him not to be in a bed that's too small for him.

But I completely empathise with you feeling evicted from your bedroom and think he's been an insensitive git in how he's gone about this discussion.

Could you suggest that he does all night waking with expressed bottles Fri / Sat to allow you two nights of restorative sleep? Or any other 2 adjacent nights that fit with your DH's roster? Can you express enough during the days for that?

You say he does a fair bit at home and I can tell you that depending on the type of doctor he is, he isn't going to be getting any sort of break at work! He is getting a change of environment, adult communication and very different stresses though.

It isn't a competition - who works hardest, who's the most tired, who has had the worst day - it's about supporting each other as a team and recognising that the other person is knackered too - and that they are allowed to be tired and stressed and that in no way minimises your own exhaustion and stress. It's very easy to say that and DH and I had some spectacular moments before we both understood it. Now I think we are more considerate of each other and can empathise with tiredness without feeling like our own stresses are being ignored.

hazchem Thu 13-Feb-14 04:01:41

Could you call a trues til Saturday. say something like. "I know this is really hard and both of us are tired but let's get to the weekend when we will both have a bit more space to work this out until then let's be gentle to each other and just continue as we are."
In the mean time can you see a IBCLC Lactation Consultant to help get your latch better? To get a easier plan in place for breastfeeding because that sounds like such hard work. You must be utterly exhausted.

I've given you this advice but TBH I'd probably go done the shouting "4 weeks ago a baby came out of my fanny after spending nine months inside me and now I am the only food source for another human being give me a fucking break! and go to be early you fool" route.

TobyLerone Thu 13-Feb-14 04:03:25

Could you suggest that he does all night waking with expressed bottles Fri / Sat to allow you two nights of restorative sleep?

Have you read the OP/thread?

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