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To admit I'd have liked to have done things differently

(69 Posts)
winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 20:17:11

I have a 14 month old. I'm expecting her brother or sister next month. The 14 month old 'cost' £30,000 in IVF. The currently unborn child was a bonus surprise.

I work full time to pay back some of the debt we accrued with IVF. DH works full time too . We will struggle with 2 lots of FT nursery fees.

Petrified of having two so close in age. Career taken a kicking due to two lots of maternity leave. I was bullied badly at work back in 2010 and had to leave but we were so deep into IVF it was impossible to walk away. I have a high stress job and DH works shifts. It's a nightmare!

I feel sorry for myself and I wish i could have retained more control over my family!

MrsBW Wed 12-Feb-14 20:19:11

IVF gives you a pretty high level of control...

What would you have done differently?

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 20:21:10

Not my experience. No control over whether to have a child or not, I'd really rather have conceived DD naturally.

Not have such a large amount of debt. Not have to work full time. Not have two children so close in age. Not have had almost 2 consecutive years off on maternity after only working there 7 months when I got pregnant! Lots of things.

nilbyname Wed 12-Feb-14 20:25:35

I'm sorry you feel so low. I'm confused, is it the fact you have this second unplanned pregnancy which is stressing you?

Have you looked into a nanny, might it work out cheaper?

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 20:28:43

I'm stressed over so much. Nanny definitely isn't affordable. Only just making ends meet with my maternity pay plus DH salary. DH will have to put in overtime and clearly is unhappy.

It's a mess.

kernowal Wed 12-Feb-14 20:42:02

Can you restructure the debt so that you have lower monthly repayments? Would it be feasible for you to work say 80% or longer days to give you a day at home and slightly lower nursery fees in the short term? Would a childlike be cheaper and possibly give you more flexibility? Have you both taken advantage of childcare vouchers to get tax breaks?

kernowal Wed 12-Feb-14 20:43:05

Childlike should actually say childminder!

NormHonal Wed 12-Feb-14 20:48:54

"IVF gives you a pretty high level of control..."

Stupidest comment I've read all day.

IVF veteran here. IVF gives you no control, just hope. And debt. And hopefully a baby at the end of it. If you're lucky.

No advice, OP, just truckloads of sympathy. I lost my career over the uncertainty of starting a family. Both DCs were natural bonuses in the end, but not until after we had been through the IVF mill.

Now a few years down the line and have some perspective on it all, starting to come out the other side, and we were lucky that we didn't get into huge debt with it. But now DC2 is a bit older and more independent, life is getting back on track.

RandomMess Wed 12-Feb-14 20:48:57

From a practical point of view a 14 month age gap is wonderful, certainly the favourite age gap between my 4 dc.

Look for a childminder, often sibling discounts available.

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 20:49:26

We used a childminder when I went back to work after DD, but we both really disliked her and felt uncomfortable leaving DD there after a while.

My current role won't lend itself to part time at all: I'd have to resign completely.

I don't think there are any real answers and I'm lucky to have our gorgeous daughter and another child. But I can't deny the way we've done that has put huge financial and emotional pressure on us both - I just feel so low.

caroldecker Wed 12-Feb-14 20:51:45

Getting stressed about how you got to where you are is unhelpful, as it is unchangable.
You currently have a lovely toddler and another on the way - congratulations - sit, breathe, enjoy.

You have some debts, but are currently on top of them (just) You have time to plan the best mix of nursery, CM, family etc.

Small steps, little bit at a time and it will work out

sebsmummy1 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:52:01

I wonder whether you could imagine a life where you had decided not to go ahead with IVF and had no debt, or perhaps went ahead with IVF and failed to conceive a child. I imagine both of those scenarios would be infinitely worse than the position you find yourself in now.

I understand what you are saying. You wish you had not had to have IVF to have a family, particularly since you then went on to conceive naturally. But perhaps the IVF and subsequent pregnancy allowed your body to then conceive naturally, so one produced the other.

You cannot live your life retrospectively. You have one beautiful child and one on the way and unfortunately you also have a debt to repay. I have recently miscarried my much longed for second child, so whilst i understand your financial worries, i would implore you to really try and value just how fantastic it is that you have conceived your second child so easily and are currently successfully carrying that pregnancy.

TippiShagpile Wed 12-Feb-14 20:53:34

I have a 12 month gap between my two.

If it's any consolation I spent the last part of my pg with ds2 (ok, all of it) shitting myself about how on earth I would cope. In fact I'm sure I was depressed. I worried about absolutely everything and was beyond miserable. I was also in a lot of pain with joint/ligament problems.

It was incredibly hard at first but it became an absolute breeze. I swear I have it much much easier than people with big age gaps.

Good luck - this will pass.


Jess03 Wed 12-Feb-14 20:53:50

Yanbu, I do understand what it's like to feel angry that something a lot of people take for granted, i.e. conception can be so elusive and expensive. Remember you are past that now, your family is complete and you are no longer subject to this. you should get a good finance plan together so you feel more in control. It won't always be this hard.

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 20:55:24

This is the problem that when you have been through fertility treatment, no matter how painful or expensive, when it's successful you can't complain - ever.

We weren't trying for a second baby.

I know what you're saying but it doesn't change how bloody hard it all is just now and I am not allowed to say its hard as I wanted a baby, wanted her £30000 much. And I have two so I should just be grateful. And I am, but it isn't working.
I am stressed and exhausted through working full time. DH is stressed and exhausted too. We have huge debts. It's all a mess and I feel sorry for my children!

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 20:56:15

X posts. Thanks smile

I just need a cry I think. I'm so so tired.

nilbyname Wed 12-Feb-14 20:57:41

Try another childminder, both the minders I have used have come highly recommended within my community, can you ask around?

My cm gives us a sibling discount. We commit the max to Childcare vouchers, when we had 2 in ft Childcare, it was tough, no holiday that year and not many lunch/dinners out, but we it was ok, and when we accessed the 15h free Childcare hours it was awesome!

Are you eating and drinking well? Are you getting enough sleep?

sunbathe Wed 12-Feb-14 20:57:42

Can grandparents help with childcare?

kernowal Wed 12-Feb-14 20:57:49

My employer has one of those counselling helpline for stressed employees which you can call if you are having problems with anything. Does yours have anything similar? It sounds as though everything is getting on top of you and simply talking everything through with an experienced counsellor may help you. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed. Good luck with baby no. 2.

paperdress Wed 12-Feb-14 21:00:16

bit puzzled that you might be expecting lots of you imagine there are mothers out there with perfect work/parenting balance, perfect age gap between dcs, perfect family finances...? i dont know of one mother whose life isnt shot through with compromises & sacrifices.

i am not interested in heaping criticism on you, as is sometimes the MN vibe, but i do just want to comment that the overwhelmingly arresting thing in reading you post is your unborn DC who is utterly unaware of and totally not responsible for your angst. please dont ever burden her/him with it.

Jess03 Wed 12-Feb-14 21:00:20

I think you can say it's hard, infertility and the struggles of children are separate, it's not easier to have dc and work and have huge debts just because you really struggled to have her. In fact you've already been through a lot before you got pg and I certainly underestimated the impact on my career, relationship etc., didn't think about practicalities. Have you asked family for help?

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 21:00:56

Thanks. No grandparents to help or any relatives in fact.

we really don't want to use a childminder: we used one with DD against our better judgement and I still feel guilty for that.

Thank you.

TippiShagpile Wed 12-Feb-14 21:01:15

You are worried about the future - entirely natural and completely understandable. But I promise it will be ok.

Have a cry then an early night. I spent most of my second pregnancy in tears, on the verge of tears or being sick!

Look after yourself.

maddening Wed 12-Feb-14 21:03:21

my aunt adopted after failed IVF, then did one last try with last remaining embryo and had a dd via IVF. Then fell pg naturally a few years later - at first she was v upset - and quite angry - she got over it but I think with everything she went through with 7 failed rounds, adoption of dd1 and stress of pg with dd2 as some of the failed rounds had been mc so subsequent pg is hard post mc to then fall pg naturally did her head in - she loves dd3 but it was a shock after such a stressful time when they were just getting back on track.

sorry it's so stressful - it'll be hard but worth it!

winterlace Wed 12-Feb-14 21:04:13

Paperdress, did you honestly for a moment think that our new baby will be burdened with my angst ... That's a horrible comment. For someone not wanting to heap criticism on me you've made me feel shit. Don't you get that I feel awful for introducing a new baby to this mess of parents who don't have time for him or her as they're working to pay off debts getting the first baby?

I rarely see DD. It's horrible.

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