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AIBU?

To think you can't just bury yourself in anyones grave.

31 replies

appletarts · 12/02/2014 18:50

Bizarre I know. My mother in law has bought the plot (grave) above my father in law for when she goes. Father in law dies a couple of years ago and was very muddled towards the end. She has never asked his permission to bury herself on top of him and he had never expressed this as a wish. The worst part is yet to come - They are divorced!! She divorced him 30 years ago and since then they shared the odd (yes defo) family holiday and maintained sporadic contact. In the end he had nobody else to look after him so she did until he went into a home. I suppose they sort of got back together towards the end. The thing is she told me she can bury herself in there as she is family but she's not is she? she's his exwife. The other thing which gnarls at us all is that she drove him mental when he was alive and he'd often say she was controlling and he wanted her to bugger off, although there was a sort of dysfunctional love there. So what are the thoughts on this? Can she really just do that? (I imagine him swearing his head off down there saying he can't get any peace from her even when he's 6ft under and he'd be right!)

OP posts:

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WooWooOwl · 12/02/2014 18:55

If she has done it then clearly it is possible.

I wouldn't try and second guess what went on in their relationship, your FIL may have complained about your mil, but as you say, there was some kind of love there and that was between them, no one else's business. You don't know that they never spoke about being buried together in private, they might well have done.

I can't see the harm in it, and I think it's quite sweet really.

MaryWestmacott · 12/02/2014 18:56

It's not your decision, what does your DH want to do? If he feels as strongly about it as you, then surely as he'll decide what actually happens to mil's body, he'll do something else with it? Seems a waste of money if she's already paid for it to sort something else for her though.

Salmotrutta · 12/02/2014 18:56

Well, he is dead and she will be too when she ends up in there.

It's not really your business really though - what does your DP say? And siblings if he has them?

They are the next of kin after all - makes visiting the graves easier I suppose?

Salmotrutta · 12/02/2014 18:57

Extra "really" in there

DowntonTrout · 12/02/2014 19:02

I thought you had to stipulate that the grave was for two at the outset to allow the first inhabitant to be buried deeper? That was the case with my Dads grave. It was a grave for one.

Mum and dad were divorced and I couldn't think of anything worse than putting them in together. Mum has asked that her ashes are buried with her parents and it hasn't been straightforward organising that.

Pigeonhouse · 12/02/2014 19:05

Are you sure she has done this? I thought you bought a grave plot for a period of 90 years or something (I could be wrong about the time period - it might be 75 years) and had exclusive rights to who could be buried there in that time period.

This would mean that while she would be within her rights to be buried in an adjacent plot, if that's what she has in fact bought, but unless they were still married or she had specific permission from your FiL to be buried in the same grave, she can't do what you say she has...?

StuckOnARollercoaster · 12/02/2014 19:07

It is a bit strange - bit that's people for you!
My story is that my dad had a first wife that died, then he met my mum. He was quite ill and knew he was dying and told (or agreed - too delicate to ask my mum!) her that it was a double plot that was paid for and to bury him with his first wife, so that's where he is. So what do I do when my mum passes on - see if there's room to squeeze her in???

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 12/02/2014 19:08

Does she have to be buried there? I mean, yeah, she's bought it, but she'll be dead. So what is to stop you arranging a cremation and scattering her ashes somewhere?

Preciousbane · 12/02/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OxfordBags · 12/02/2014 19:15

Newsflash: he isn't going to know who is buried in top of him. He doesn't exist anymore. Trying to stop her doing it is about the issues and feelings of the living who are involved. If you don't want her buried there because of your own negative feelings towards her, then be upfront and honest that those are the real reasons. There's a double plot, and cemeteries are desperate for space, it's silly to insist that she goes in another space which could be used for another casket, when there's space for her. Where they are buried is not going to stop them being any less dead. Sorry, I'm very unsentimental about these things.

TaraLott · 12/02/2014 19:57

I own my Mum's plot and no one can go in there unless I give permission, my Uncle, her younger Brother has first dibs though!
There is space for three more people after him.

appletarts · 12/02/2014 20:14

I don't think anyone wants to stop her burying herself in there. I just posted it because it's just unusual isn't it and because we think it's unbelievable that you can bury yourself in someones grave without their consent.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2014 20:22

Well if there's no 'conflict' about it then what does it matter? Quite honestly, nobody else was around to look after your FIL - not you, not your husband - but his ex-wife was and, after a fashion, they got on. I know bickering elderly couples who are quite devoted - and some who are not. The truth is, you don't know what their relationship was like.

I can see that you're not really invested in this 'dilemma' so if I were you, I'd bow out and leave it to the immediate family to decide because they are the ones who will be affected. I think you're being very insensitive.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 12/02/2014 20:23

But I thought when you buy a plot, it fits three graves.
From what I know they don't sell one above the other in single graves in a stacking formation.

Have you seen the paperwork for "her" plot?

Is there a chance she is describing the plot above but meaning up the hill, beside or something?

appletarts · 12/02/2014 20:24

Oh I see it's the usual aggressive tone from AIBU witchy wardrobe. Leave you happy lot to it then.

OP posts:

Helpyourself · 12/02/2014 20:27

It sounds strange, yes.
But I think you would be mad to express an inkling of a suggestion of a hint of an opinion on the matter.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 12/02/2014 20:41

Well actually, I think IWBperfectlyReasonable.

Calloh · 12/02/2014 20:41

I think it's kind of touching, what do the rest of the family think? I did agree in principle but then I looked at how much plots cost at the local cemetery . £2450 - £2450! I am staggered! Can quite understand why anyone would jump in with anyone!

I expect I'll be cremated and I have a great fear of lying next to DH's already gruesome toenails for perpetuity.

Salmotrutta · 12/02/2014 20:46

Well, you did ask appletarts...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2014 20:46

Aggressive? Not intended to be in any way. You've posted on AIBU asking for views. Even if you don't like my responses, I didn't post to have a 'dig' at you, I don't know you. It sounds as if you're getting yourself worked up about a scenario that doesn't really affect you personally but might upset your husband very much so maybe leave the decision up to him? Nobody knows what goes on in a relationship... FACT.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/02/2014 20:48

It's aimed at me, Squirted.

Altinkum · 12/02/2014 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunRunRuby · 12/02/2014 21:01

I'm sorry for your loss. Your FIL won't know she's there and he won't care. They weren't mortal enemies, and he was happy enough to let her care for him. They may well have discussed this plan themselves before he died. All the after-death business is really for those left behind. If her next of kin don't like this plan then they can have her buried somewhere else, when the time comes.

From a practical point of view, I don't think you can bury people on top of each other. There's rules about the depths to which graves are dug so unless they dug your FIL's grave extra deep (not sure if this is allowed, or feasible) then there simply wouldn't be room for your MIL's coffin to be on top of his. She will probably be next to him. And it's not really any different to being next to anyone else in the graveyard. If he's buried at the edge of his plot then she could own the adjacent plot and be buried just as close to him but on a different plot, I would've thought.

appletarts · 12/02/2014 21:01

Oh well I'm going to jump in on top of anyone I fancy too then. That's funny witch!

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Redirected · 12/02/2014 21:02

Actually, its a little difficult for anyone to bury themselves.

However, it was patently a complex relationship and if your FIL was content not to throw his toys out of the pram about final resting places being in such close proximity ..... why would you?

FWIW, funeral wishes expressed in a Will are only wishes, and while executors may feel moral obligation to comply they are not under legal obligation. My stepfather had my mother cremated, despite her owning a plot and expressly requesting burial there in her Will.

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