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To feel hurt by this friend

(15 Posts)
selladaw Wed 12-Feb-14 16:12:38

Am I being unreasonable to think that trying to develop a separate friendship with the sibling of a good friend is a bit off?

Over the past year I have casually introduced a friend, who I have known for a few years, to my sister. This has come about by inviting said friend round for coffee a couple of times when my sister has also popped over. Now, I have no problem with my friends being on friendly terms with my siblings, quite naturally I am on friendly terms with some of their friends too, but there is no question of where any of their loyalties lie.

However, with this particular friend, we are now at a point where I can’t make arrangements with her, such as a film or meal, without her wanting my sister to join us (my sister always declines as she has her own busy social life and to be honest finds it a bit odd.) She has swapped numbers with my sister and has even tried to make plans with her directly, without inviting me! She generally leaves me feeling like I am just a stepping stone to a friendship with my sister.

I have tried to counter this by only inviting friend when my sister is not free and just telling my friend I am busy if I have already made plans with my sister, but then she acts disappointed and spends the time asking after my sister and her life?!?

I really want to remove myself from the friendship as it is leaving me feeling upset and resentful, but circumstances make it very difficult to do so cleanly. I usually like to be straight up and tell a friend if I am upset, but to even voice this makes me feel like I am back at school. To be honest, I don’t think it can be resolved.

So am I being unreasonable to be hurt by this, or am I being too sensitive? Maybe I have blown it out of all proportion, I just can't tell anymore. What would you do in my shoes?

Thanks x

Purplepoodle Wed 12-Feb-14 16:15:17

Just step back, dont contact her or make plans. If she contacts you just be a bit vague. Slowly ease down the friendship

DustyBaubles Wed 12-Feb-14 16:17:16

You are being a bit odd about it I think.

Are you always so possessive about your sister and friends? I honestly wouldn't give a second though to who my siblings and friends spend their time with when they are not with me.

The fact that you sister isn't interested is a separate issue (but are you sure she isn't just trying to deflect your drama?), and one for them to sort out, no need for your involvement at all.

Surely it's a good thing isn't it - you get to see your sister and your friend all in one go?

How does your sister feel about this woman?

Maybe they just clicked....YABU really,why does it upset you so much..is there a backstory to this regarding your sister?

Floggingmolly Wed 12-Feb-14 16:20:14

What "circumstances" are forcing you to continue seeing her when you'd clearly rather not?

pigletmania Wed 12-Feb-14 16:28:59

I would back off this friendship tbh

selladaw Wed 12-Feb-14 16:37:16

I wouldn't say I was possessive about my friends or my sister. I introduce friends to each other and have no problem with them making their own friendships.

I don't know why I feel different about this situation. I think it is in the subtleties of her behaviour. If she was still as enthusiastic about our friendship, perhaps I would feel different, but she isn't. She would not have crossed paths with my sister if she had not met me.

As for circumstances, we mix among the same circles, we have mutual friends and our children are friends at the same school. It wouldn't be easy as we see each other daily.

Perhaps I am the one being odd, but I have put myself in her shoes and I can't imagine doing what she is doing.

Fudgeface123 Wed 12-Feb-14 16:40:13

Maybe she prefers your sister to you? Sounds harsh but it's most probably true if she's not including you in things. You can't force a friendship with someone who doesn't want to be your friend

Floggingmolly Wed 12-Feb-14 16:42:34

Maybe she's more just more pro active in arranging things with your sister because she doesn't see her daily?

selladaw Wed 12-Feb-14 16:44:34

I think you are right Fudge. That is what hurts. If this was happening among friends I would lick my wounds and move on, focus on other friendships. But one party isn't just a friend, she is my sister and I feel like this "friend" is using me to facilitate a friendship with my sister. I have no desire to "force a friendship", I would walk away if it was that easy.

Poppylovescheese Wed 12-Feb-14 17:14:51

I agree with Fudge. People change, friendships change.

PandaFeet Wed 12-Feb-14 17:25:16

This happened to an older relative of mine. She had a friend who used to join her when they had lunch out with her sister and cousin.

After a few of these meetings, the friend then tried to organise lunches and dinners with the sister and cousin, without including my relative. She tried to invite them round to hers etc.

Thing is, she wouldn't have ever met them if it hadn't been for my relative and the whole thing was very weird and hurtful.

The cousin and sister declined all her offers and they continued to arrange their lunches with my relative alone. The friendship eventually stopped.

YANBU to feel hurt. I think you should stop putting effort into the friendship. Be polite when in her company, but stop seeing her outside of your wider circle.

Sparkletshirt Wed 12-Feb-14 17:34:31

What PandaFeet and Purplepoodle said. Let her try to arrange things with your sister if she wants, your sister's not interested. Put your energies into more loyal friends.

whois Wed 12-Feb-14 17:41:40

I think I would be upset, not that she wants to hang with your sister but more that she doesn't seem to want to hang with you any more. Like you say just being a stepping stone to your sister. It's not nice to meet up with someone who doesn't really want to see you!

selladaw Wed 12-Feb-14 18:42:17

Thanks PandaFeet for sharing a similar experience. I've come across lots of stories of "friend poaching" and how to deal with it, but I haven't heard of similar situations involving family, and it makes it feel much more complicated. I am pleased to hear things worked out your relative in the end.

Thanks for all of your views. I am relieved that some of you can understand why I am upset. It is quite an isolating situation because I can't talk about it. I don't want to put my sister in an awkward position, she is simply being friendly and polite. I can't address it with the friend as I don't know how to, besides which, I don't want to make her change.

I guess the solution is to distance myself gradually and leave her to chase my sister directly.

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