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To ask if you have ever been the OW

(154 Posts)
MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 12-Feb-14 10:34:25

Not a TAAT but it has been inspired by another thread.

After reading another thread the ladies in my office got chatting about whether or not we had ever been the OW.

We all have by some standard have been in the position of the OW. One example from myself, I slept with a married man. Silly one night stand at around the age of 19 with a man I vaguely knew and had met a few times. Didn't find out till after that he was actually married. The other ladies stories vary between them knowing, knowing they had been married but told they had split when they hadn't and then not knowing.

How many of you have either knowingly or unknowingly (at the time) been the cheatee?

WorraLiberty Wed 12-Feb-14 10:39:33

Not me

QueenofKelsingra Wed 12-Feb-14 10:43:19

I have been the cheater. I cheated on my (physically and mentally abusive) ex for well over a year before I had the courage to leave him. I found out later the ex was cheating on me to with the girl he later married.

I was also the OW for a few months but the guy wasn't married, in an unhappy relationship.

it was the same guy both times. we were young though if that makes any difference?!

shakinstevenslovechild Wed 12-Feb-14 10:44:54

I have. As a teenager, in a new job, I fell for a guy at work, I knew he had a child and he has custody of her and that explained a lot about his availability. 5 months into our 'relationship' I found out he was married and he, and the people at work, all conspired to keep me in the dark about his wife. I was devestated for both me and her, although I never did tell her, I was too ashamed.

TheDoctorsNewKidneys Wed 12-Feb-14 10:46:04

Nope, never.

Neitheronethingortheother Wed 12-Feb-14 10:46:04

Yes, when I was 25 I had a fling with my 45 year old married boss. It lasted about 4 months but I finished it when I got back with my now husband. I also slept with another married guy at work but tbf he forgot to tell me he was married. I have also cheated on my partners but I have been married 9 years and have never cheated or had the urge or been tempted to.

Latara Wed 12-Feb-14 10:48:15

Yes, once and I was in love with him. It didn't last because we both felt too guilty but I still miss him.

cricketpitch Wed 12-Feb-14 10:49:06

yes, several times.

Things are rarely as simple as married/ not married. I'd also like to ask whether, if a woman is not traditionally pretty or for some reason available in her twenties when people generally pair up that should mean that she has missed the boat and stays celibate until the next round of available men, (usually in their 50's), become interested?

otherwomantwice Wed 12-Feb-14 10:49:22

Yes. And I knew both times. First one was a very long-running thing, very complicated, and we were very young, or were when it started. He was sometimes single, sometimes had a girlfriend and later a wife.

Second one was a work thing.

I look back and think what on earth was I playing at tbh. Fortunately neither resulted in marriage breakups or anything like that, and I'm pretty sure none of the cheated on partners knew, but still. What an idiot.

MarysDressSways Wed 12-Feb-14 10:50:22

Yes, but I didn't know he was married. He told me he was divorced and he had kids who he doted on who he had 50% of the time.

We met on a night out. It was more a text/phone thing as it was fairly long distance. We met up for a few nice dates/nights out and spent a couple of weekend together, once at what I thought was his house, but turned out to be a mate's (who was away that weekend) and it all got very emotionally intense with love being declared etc.

Then I found his facebook (via his work facebook - he'd been very open about where he worked) and consequently found his wife (NOT divorced)... It had gone on for about 4 or 5 months. That was the end of that! Dick.

TallyGrenshall Wed 12-Feb-14 10:50:33

Not that I know of.

I have had a few ONS' though so I suppose it's possible

HopeS01 Wed 12-Feb-14 10:50:39

Yes, unknowingly sad

KringleCandleLover Wed 12-Feb-14 10:52:31

I have. Years ago. He was in a longterm relationship with no DCs.

I met him whilst walking the dog. It was very exciting at the time(I was young and had not experienced lust on that level before).

He left his partner and eventually married me. We were together for 11 years,had kids bla bla, until he left me for the ndn sister.

Karma got me back. Bigtime.

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 12-Feb-14 10:52:56

Cricketpitch: are you serious? You think there are only available men in their 20's or 50's?

dashoflime Wed 12-Feb-14 10:53:11

Sort of
It was a bit messy but when DH and I first met we were both in non monogamous relationships with other people.

My OH was fine with me seeing the person who would one day be DH.
His was not so. Despite being into the idea in theory and taking lovers of her own.

They ended up breaking up. It was messy and difficult and I felt rotten.

I would not recommend non monogamy for this reason.

QueenofKelsingra Wed 12-Feb-14 10:53:50

Things are rarely as simple as married/ not married.

^^ This.

I don't remember feeling guilty at the time. we cheated because actually we were in love with each other - he couldn't admit this and wouldn't commit to it, I kept looking for what we had with other people. consequently we kept falling back into our friends with benefits situation. I should have ended up with the guy really. sometimes wonder how that life would have panned out.

MelanieRavenswood Wed 12-Feb-14 10:55:51

When I was 20 I snogged an older guy that I knew had a girlfriend. Later found out they were engaged and I felt pretty crap about it.

IceBeing Wed 12-Feb-14 10:57:28

I am not sure if I have been or not....the wife probably thought so...

so MN jury:

I got hideously drunk one day and told a work colleague 'I love you man...' He was not the only person I said that to that evening, needless to say....

Nothing more than that physical contact at all...

but sometime later he tells me he is planning to divorce his wife to be with me....and when can I get away from my husband...

I am shock. I tell him immediately that he has totally misread a drunken comment and I have no intention whatsoever of leaving my husband.

I then get phone calls from his wife asking if I have seen him and what we have done together and didn't I respect my wedding vows etc.

He did eventually divorce his wife...

odd really.

Iwannalaylikethisforever Wed 12-Feb-14 10:59:10

I have. We have now been married 10 years.
Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time.

Birdsgottafly Wed 12-Feb-14 10:59:34

I have, but I wouldn't describe myself as the OW, because the men that were living with someone permanently, we're not faithful and their Partners knew that.

I wouldn't now, I've outgrown that behaviour.

I wouldn't of (and haven't when asked) got involved with anyone in a more committed (in every way) relationship.

I wouldn't be the only person to compromise someone home life, or cause a break up.

That's quite selfish, I know, but we all make our own decisions, even to remain living with cheaters.

Squirrelsmum Wed 12-Feb-14 11:00:15

I picked up a guy in a pub one New Years Eve many moons ago. We went back to the place I was staying for a quickie and then headed back to the pub to continue partying, in the wee hours of the morning I was confronted by his new bride, turns out they were on their honeymoon, I hadn't seen him with anyone throughout the night so figured he was single. I felt like shit for ages after even though I had no idea. Can't imagine being the OW on purpose.

nokidshere Wed 12-Feb-14 11:01:21

No never

cricketpitch Wed 12-Feb-14 11:02:10

I am serious actually. I was single in my thirties and there were no available men in that bracket. and certainly none looking for a child free thirty five year old for a serious relationship. Men in their thirties were either attached or looking for someone in their twenties.

Not one of my female friends found a new serious relationship after the age of thirty five - and certainly not one that would lead to marriage and children.

KateSpade Wed 12-Feb-14 11:02:39

I was the OW for 2 years at Uni, with a man who messed me around no end, but I was besotted with him (I started dating him before he got into a relationship) I eventually told his gf & at first she had an excuse for every single evening he spent with me, but through the grapevine if heard she knew about me & didn't think she would ever get another man, so was sticking with him.

I felt a bit like I should have shook her & said 'of course you deserve better, we both do' but I went on my placement year & never saw her again!

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 12-Feb-14 11:03:16

I think with me personally I've only ever slept with the one married person (that I know of). There was also one guy in a long term relationship but again I was told him and his partner had split (they hadn't)

If I looked at friendships that have strayed over the normal boundaries or every person I have ever kissed there would be alot more.

I do think it is easier than what people think to fall into being the OW accidental or not in others eyes, it isn't always about actually having sex.

Do any of you still speak to the person?

I actually saw the married man last night. We always stop for a chat when our paths cross but never anything more,

Would you have wanted the wife to know? I see alot of "you should tell he"r but I don't agree with that. I would never have gone to the mans wife and told her.

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