To want MIL to go home(139 Posts)
I know I probably am being unreasonable. DS is 3 weeks old and DP had a fortnight of paternity leave then my mum came to help for a week. Now she's gone back to work and MIL has decided to come for the week. She lives 10 mins away so will be coming over everyday for a week.
I'm not overly comfortable with feeding yet and didn't mind feeding DS in front of my mum as she's my mum but today just want to spend the day in bed with him. She keeps coming in when I'm feeding him and everytime he's finished I lay him down in the bed next to me and she comes in and tries to take him off into the living room. I said no it's fine he can stay here with me but she then hangs round in the bedroom!
I feel like I could cope on my own now but feel bad because I know my mum had a week with me and the baby and know she probably wants the same. I want to be free to do as me and DS want. I want to take him for a walk in the pram this afternoon and don't really feel like talking to anyone but I know I have to ask her to come and then I'll have to make conversation.
I know I sound ungrateful and horrible but it just feels more awkward with her around than my mum, I don't know why. Maybe because I'm not as comfortable around her.
Can you give her tasks to do around the house that will keep her out from under your feet? I'm sure the kitchen cupboards need a good clean out
Maybe ask her to help in other ways? Has she offered to do anything around the house? Mention how helpful it was when your mum ironed the shirts for DH or did the washing up and made dinner for you... She might leave you be and do something more useful.
If not, it's just a week, tell her you are really tired and want to snuggle with your newborn if she fancies making herself a cuppa and popping back in an hour or so. You might have to take her on the walk, but at least you will be together and not trying to feed with an audience.
No she's now just sat in the living room watching TV. I'm in my bedroom with DS.
I would just give her tasks-she wants to be useful.
I think you should say that the you are grateful for her help but you feel much better than you anticipated and would like to have a go at coping alone.
Also talk to your partner and let him know you are feeling stifled and maybe he could tactfully get hervto go home. You could also invent meeting up with friends and say you won't need her to come over tomorrow.
You don't owe her this time, just because your mum stayed for a week. You do have every right to be alone with your baby and do as you please - it's your home and your life.
What you do owe her is tact and kindness in how you say it.
Just ask her what's for dinner. (but do take her on walks and let her hold ds)
also perhaps get a feeding cushion and feed on the sofa, might be more comfortable for your back?
She is probably feeling as awkward and uncomfortable as you are and doesnt know what to do with herself.
It sounds like she is desperate to be helpful but doesn't know what to do for the best.
You see the threads on here - "mil is only 10 minutes away sitting in her house and I am here struggling on my own with a 4 week old baby"
Can you explain to her what you have said here in a nice way with a little bit of exaggeration of the truth.
Just that you are struggling with feeding and as much as you love her you don't feel comfortable with feeding in front of her. You are looking to get into a routine
You want to try to do it all on your own - but you would rather try it when she is available and only 10 minutes away if you need her.
Promise to phone her the second you need her.
Maybe suggest that tomorrow she comes over for lunch - then ask her to get some nice bread or something so she spends the morning shopping.
She could then maybe take baby for a walk while you can have a shower in peace/watch tv/ whatever.
In a few months when you have a teething baby and you haven't slept for days you'll appreciate her help then !!
I feel so sorry for her-she is obviously trying not to intrude, but wanting to help. Be definite. Ask her for definite times-give her jobs to do. Let her look after the baby while you have a bath/shower. Letting her go out for a walk with you isn't too much. (you are lucky to have the rain stop long enough!)
It's only 3 more days then you'll have your lovely baby to yourself. So I think you should just be kind and put up with it for the rest of the week.
Bless you. Much as I loved and still do love my MIL, if she'd have come to stay when my babies were so tiny I'd have been demented. Perhaps ask your DH to ' conspire ' with her, for her to make a list of household things that she can do to surprise you while you do the baby stuff.
How often do you ACTUALLY let her hold and cuddle DS? Just a thought!
It's only for a week. Can you not just put up with it until she goes?
It's good practice feeding in front of someone you are not completely comfortable with. Don't get caught out like I did when my first public feeding was in front of a restaurant full of people with your mother and mother in law encouraging you ;-)
Get her to do tasks around the house so you and your baby can stay tucked up in bed.
God I would have HATED that!! You have all my sympathy but I'm not sure what you can do.
Could you suggest that you try an afternoon alone "to get used to it"?? . <scrambles for ideas>
Just horrid. I'm so sorry and they all think they're being kind.
Fast forward a few years until you are desperate for a babysitter-you will want her then. Many a poster on here bemoans the fact they don't have family support. It is give and take. The poor woman wants to help and you are not telling her what to do-she is walking on eggshells. Get her to cook the evening meal-do a pile of ironing-there must be things that need doing.
I always think it is a pity people can't swap grandparents and match up the ones who don't want help and match up the ones who do!
One day your newborn DS will be the new dad and YOU will be the excluded MIL with a DIL who doesn't want you around to help with your own grandchild, just her own Mum. Think on. It made me much kinder to my MIL during those early days. Do you think she cares if she sees you feeding?
How about you ask her to do a few jobs for you so she feels useful - get some bread in, make a soup, or even ask her if she would mind taking the baby out her half an hour in the pram so you can rest? Baby won't implode and MIL will be delighted...
Can you imagine how she feels? She is there trying to help and you are hiding away in your bedroom with the baby making her feel completely unwanted. Is that really necessary? No wonder you feel uncomfortable but the situation is of your creation.
I missed the fact that it was a DS. I think that what goes around comes around. Ilikemysleep is quite right. Treat MIL the way you would like to be treated when you become the paternal grandmother.
Oh dear, didn't expect to get flamed so much. Am severely sleep deprived and have asked her to do jobs but so far she's still watching tv.
to the poster who asked her how often I let her cuddle DS - everytime she sees him. She drops in a lot on an evening as well. And I have to actually physically go and take him back when he's crying or she wouldn't give him back, even if I asked. Sorry for the drip feed - brain has turned to mush since having the baby.
What help did your mum give for the week?
Surely MIL can do that?
If there's nothing that needs doing, let her have a cuddle & tell her to go home!
ilikemysleep in answer to your question, do you think she cares if she sees me feeding - what if I don't want to sit topless in front of my MIL while I get him latched on? He's 3 weeks old, we're both still learning the ropes.
I disagree with some of the other posters - I don't think you should have to put up with her just to keep her happy.
It's not a Granny Competition where both grannies have to copy each other. It's natural that you would have your own mum round and feel comfortable, and it's not the same with MIL. Yes, you're lucky to have lovely grandparents for your baby but I would ask her to leave or get DP to ask her.
I think you're being a bit unreasonable and unsociable, sorry.
If you don't feel comfortable with her in your bedroom, I think you and he should join her in the living room. Surely you can both laze on a sofa, and proud grandma can have a cuddle.
She can look after him to let you have a shower before the walk. Also, you could politely ask her to make some lunch, etc.
If it is only for a week, let her have her week. If, however, you are concerned that she will intrude into your life in the future, then I think you should give her the week your mother had, but then talk to DH about setting some ground rules together for how things will pan out in the future.
You don't have to sit topless while feeding. Wear a baggy t shirt or similar, that will drape over the boob that is not "in use", for a bit of modesty.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.