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AIBU to give DP these smoking rules?

(34 Posts)
TheScience Tue 11-Feb-14 19:35:54

We have a 3yo and I am expecting DC2 in the next couple of weeks.

DP is a smoker, I am not (obviously!).

WIBU to insist he only "smokes" an e-cig during the day while the DC are awake - but can smoke his horrible roll-ups outside after bedtime?

monkeysox Tue 11-Feb-14 19:38:55

Yanbu but he shouldn't be smoking full stop in my opinion yak

MaryWestmacott Tue 11-Feb-14 19:39:21

Does he not believe that passive smoking can harm his dcs or does he not give a shit if he harms them? (Just trying to work out why you have to give rules rather than this coming from him, the responses will vary depending on which it is)

TalisaMaegyr Tue 11-Feb-14 19:39:43

I think that's fair enough, tbh. And I'm a smoker. Is he around the house all day?

Mim78 Tue 11-Feb-14 19:41:01

Yanbu. It might be better to phrase it as agreement rather than rules, though I accept you should insist on it.

If you can persuade him to give up all the better.

Bornin1984 Tue 11-Feb-14 19:42:02

Why can't he smoke outside
In day time then wash his hands?

Beanymonster Tue 11-Feb-14 19:42:09

I would suggest he only smokes the e cigs, I assume your dc2 will be in your room? It seems a compromise, he gets nicotine and your not contaminating yourself/ your children?

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 11-Feb-14 19:42:56

Can't he read the guidance and form his own sensible rules (which would be 'give up' unless he is stupid)?

TheScience Tue 11-Feb-14 19:44:54

He works from home and does only smoke outside, but his hands/clothes smell when he comes in.

When DS was a baby I was a bit more strict about him washing/changing clothes after smoking but we've got slacker as time has gone on - I do sometimes ask him to wash his hands or brush his teeth now as I'm pregnant and more sensitive to the smell and he does, but with a bit of huffing and looking hurt hmm

pianodoodle Tue 11-Feb-14 19:45:52

That sounds fair enough.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 11-Feb-14 19:46:08

Start drinking heavily. Well, don't but tell him you are going to. If he is allowed to endanger the life of his child, presumably you are too.

TheScience Tue 11-Feb-14 19:51:39

I'd like him to stop smoking entirely, of course, but he won't and it's not something I can force him to do.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 11-Feb-14 19:53:11

Well he can stop the huffing and looking hurt shit. You aren't hurting his feelings by asking him to change/wash you are trying to protect your child from dangerous cigarette fumes.

Best thing a smoker can do for themselves and their family is quit. It is a very short time once they have stopped that their lungs are back as if they never did smoke.

Waggamamma Tue 11-Feb-14 20:00:59

He shouldn't smoke in the house at all. Smoke toxins will linger and harm your dc, asleep or not. Take it outside. Right outside, even smoking at the back door in an average 3 bed house the particles will reach your childrens rooms.

Second hand smoke is related to glue ear and asthma in children as well as many other nasties. He shouldn't hold the baby after a cigarette as the toxins will be in his clothes skin and hair.

He needs to put his dc health first.

PlentyOfPubeGardens Tue 11-Feb-14 20:04:48

Send him over to our latest vaping thread - we'll sort him out with kit so good he'll prefer it to smoking smile

Nomama Tue 11-Feb-14 20:05:59

Well, if you want to make it impossible for him to stop then yes, go right ahead and make your demands.

But if you'd like to support him in quitting..... his health being as important to you as that of your children..... then you might want to be a bit less strident about it.

PlentyOfPubeGardens Tue 11-Feb-14 20:06:53

Was he a smoker when you first got together?

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning Tue 11-Feb-14 20:11:07

YABU.

By all means support him to quit...but you will NEVER make any smoker quit just because you tell them to. A smoker will only quit when they are ready.

Trying to force him to quit will not work...it will make him hide it, sulk and resent you.

TheScience Tue 11-Feb-14 20:17:16

He doesn't want to quit and I doubt he ever will - I know I can't force him to. This is more about attempting to minimise the effect on the rest of us.

Plenty - yes he's always been a smoker, I was too when we first met but stopped before getting pregnant with DC1.

Waggamamma - he never smokes inside, and hasn't since before we had DC1. He always smokes properly outside rather than out the back door. It's more the issue of lingering smoke/smell on him and his clothes and the DC watching him smoking that I don't like.

Waggamamma Tue 11-Feb-14 20:25:52

apologies I missed the bit about smoking outside. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You need to put dc health first.

TheScience Tue 11-Feb-14 20:54:42

Nomama - which requests do you think are unreasonable?

Nomama Thu 13-Feb-14 17:48:30

I don't think the requests are unreasonable - just the way they are being couched - here, possibly not in real life!

Horrible roll ups... I was more strict about washing hands etc.... he smells, he huffs and puffs when I tell him he smells..... he doesn't want to quite, I can't force him.... (the undertone is 'but I can't stop myself from trying - which we all think about doing with smokers smile )

The man has a physical and psychological addiction. You don't persuade a smoker to quit by hectoring them. Less stridency, more support. Less bringing up the subject, more support if he brings it up.

I speak from experience, I have worked as a smoking cessation facilitator (a real mouthful of a job title), I am a health behaviour psychologist (well I would be if there were any real jobs out there) and am married to a smoker who is just now in his 2nd quit (he was gently guided towards vaping this time).

I know you cannot shame, persuade, blackmail anyone into quitting. Showing exasperation, displeasure or just plain dislike of smoking behaviour makes it less likely your smoker can get to the 'I think I'll quit' stage.

DanceParty Thu 13-Feb-14 18:08:54

and the DC watching him smoking that I don't like.

But you don't mind them watching him smoke an E-Cig hmm

TheScience Thu 13-Feb-14 18:10:13

If he's smoking an e-cig he can do it in his office, rather than in the garden where they are playing.

DanceParty Thu 13-Feb-14 18:12:48

So......according to what the DCs are doing, your DP must do the opposite?

If they're inside, he must go outside. If they're outside, he must go inside.

Poor bloke won't know whether he's coming or going. I'd LTB if I were you!

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