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AIBU to think that if there is any doubt in your mind...

(103 Posts)
PointyDogs Tue 11-Feb-14 19:01:39

...then it is only polite to assume the woman with the toddler is the mother and not the grandmother!!!! I am 42, DD is 20 months. No, I honestly don't look a lot older!! I know that there are plenty of grandmothers the same age as me, but there are loads of older mothers around too. If in doubt, please be nice and assume I am the mother, or just say nothing at all!! It often seems to be the older generation (60+), who look at me questioningly "Is she your granddaughter?" or "Spending time with your...[querying look]...grandchild?"

And breathe...

PeggyCarter Tue 11-Feb-14 19:02:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sheriffofnottingham Tue 11-Feb-14 19:31:43

I am 30+ with two gorgeous half sisters 4 and 2, people always assume I'm their mum and my dad is their grandad. I love it when my little sister proudly announces that I'm her sister. But yes, YANBU my poor dad gets it all the time, people asking the kids if theyre having a nice time with grandad. Why do people feel the need to comment at all?!

DelGirl Tue 11-Feb-14 19:37:01

I've had that recently too, I'm 48, dd is 8. I was too slow to respond so let it go. A bit gutting none the less. Yanbu

jacks365 Tue 11-Feb-14 19:43:02

I once had an elderly gentleman tell me how wonderful grandchildren are and how lucky to get all the good bits but then hand them back to their parents. He also said how lucky I am to get so much time with my grandson. He just wasn't listening when I tried to explain that I'm mum. My daughter is now 2 I'm very close to 45. Yanbu.

MauriceMinor Tue 11-Feb-14 19:46:42

Sorry, that must be embarrassing. But it is a teeny bit funny too isn't it? I mean, they're not saying it too hurt your feelings are they? I guess it's just one of the things you have to expect when you have babies over 40. People your own age probably wouldn't make the mistake. But for people over 60, having babies over 40 does surprise then and they do expect mums of babies to look a lot younger.

Mim78 Tue 11-Feb-14 19:53:04

I think people usually do as you have suggested. My mum has been called dd's mum when I am not there. She is 65 but looks about 55. Dd is 5. Really she couldn't be mum but they are being sensibly cautious.

Pigeonhouse Tue 11-Feb-14 20:00:52

Yanbu in the least, OP. Having a baby in your forties is hardly like being the Bearded Lady or the Four-Headed Calf, and people in their sixties are not so superannuated that they can be excused from the knowledge that women in their forties regularly reproduce.

Waggamamma Tue 11-Feb-14 20:05:55

Sorry that must be embarrassing for you!

my mum was 45 when she became a grandma so I can see how people might make that mistake. She'd also be mortified if people assumed she had a three year old ds, she thinks she's far too old.

I also have a two year old half sister (my dads child, hes 44) and it gets embarrassing if people think she's mine but I can see how they make the assumption.

CoffeeTea103 Tue 11-Feb-14 20:10:59

I think it's very easy for someone to assume that if to them you genuinely look the age they think you are.

ladyquinoa Tue 11-Feb-14 21:12:16

In surrounded by professional older mums so its the norm here and very accepted.

HypodeemicNerdle Tue 11-Feb-14 21:15:37

I had someone assume that my dad and I were the parents to my youngest DD when she was a baby! I'm not sure who was more embarrassed

LaGuardia Tue 11-Feb-14 21:17:34

Blimey I am 48 and no-one has mistaken my 8yo DD as my granddaughter. However, I have used Clinique since I was 16 grin

ouryve Tue 11-Feb-14 21:20:37

YANBU. I had my two at 34 and 36 and I've had several people ask me if I was their mother - 2 blond boys with dark salt & pepper haired womanhmm

PortofinoRevisited Tue 11-Feb-14 21:20:49

My nan was 40 when I was born. It is NOT that odd an assumption. A bit awkward maybe but get over able. I got loads of disbelief on the Maternity ward having my first child at 35.

SulkingintheShrubbery Tue 11-Feb-14 21:22:04

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LEMmingaround Tue 11-Feb-14 21:30:21

I dont think maurice is being a bitch - i think thats a fair comment actually, i think that particular generation had children much younger so would possibly assume an older mum is a grandmother. I have two children, one i had when i was 19 and people used to ask me if i were her big sister, DD2 is 8 and i had her when i was 35 and yep, its been said........... I was also pretty shock to find myself pregnant at 35 and told my mw "but im too old to have a baby i'll be the oldest one at the anti-natal classes" I was probably one of the youngest grin

Pigletin Tue 11-Feb-14 21:33:07

Sulking, surely there us no need for such language

FossilMum Tue 11-Feb-14 21:58:52


But maybe for some of them there isn't any doubt, even though there should be - perhaps they're just foolishly assuming everyone else is like them.

FWIW my grandma had my uncle when she was 40, way back in 1954. Drove her nuts when everyone thought she was the grandmother -- and even more embarrassing for my Mum, then 16, assumed to be the unwed mother rather than the older sister…

PointyDogs Tue 11-Feb-14 22:03:37

I don't really find it embarassing (I am realistic enough to recognise I AM old enough to be her grandmother smile), its just infuriating that people are so unthinkingly rude! My mum was 41 when I was born, its not exactly a new phenomenon, although perhaps more common now. We were ttc for years before being blessed with DD, I consider myself very lucky which takes the edge off any age-related negativity, plus remembering what a great mum my own DM was, despite her advanced age smile We were the oldest couple at ante-natal, but not by that much, and it hasn't stopped me still being friends with the other mums nearly two years later.

Caitlin17 Tue 11-Feb-14 22:18:19

It would be far, far more surprising to me to meet a grandmother of 42 with a 2 year old grandchild than a mother of 42 with a 2 year old child. It would haven't occurred to me you were the grandmother.

grumpyoldbat Tue 11-Feb-14 22:23:31

My mum was 41 when was born and my Dad was 50. I used to get really upset when people mistook them for my Grandparents. My Dad seemed to find it funny though. He always used to tell the story about how the midwife assumed he was my Grandfather.

My Grandparents were 40 and 38 when my mum was born and my Great Grandparents were 44 and 35 when my Grandfather was born so we do have a long family history of having babies later.

My MIL on the other hand was only 35 when she became a Gran for the first time. She was very pleased to be mistaken for her older Grandchildren's mum.

BadlyStuffedWalrus Tue 11-Feb-14 22:54:12

My kids had four parents, three of whom were in their mid-forties when they were born (I was the baby in my late twenties/early thirties). I once witnessed my partner being congratulated by a stranger on being such an involved grandmother. It felt like such a betrayal of her parenthood. Hugs, and also fuck 'em.

MauriceMinor Tue 11-Feb-14 22:56:49

Better unthinkingly rude than consciously so, don't you agree? I fail to see the offence actually. They thought she was your grand-daughter. She's not. So they were wrong. Why would this offend you? Because you worry they think you look old? It's not that - they just don't expect women over 40 to have small children.

I'm sure we all make mistakes about people the time. It's only rude if they intend to be.

TantieTowie Tue 11-Feb-14 23:02:35

Someone thought I was DS's grandma when I was 37 - and I looked younger. Just yet another case where they needed to engage brain before opening mouth - and in OP's case too.

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