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AIBU to think DH should recognise this as being inconvenient

(26 Posts)
Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 13:54:26

We are moving house next Monday . DH assumes I can cope quite easily with this by myself and is refusing to take time off work. To cap it off he has just announced he might be going overseas on Tuesday which happens to be DS birthday . Does he say this with sorrow or remorse no! He's almost gloating (apparently we will be all settled by Tuesday, well if we are it won't be thanks to him!). I get that in work things crop up but it's just the way he dosent even recognise any inconvenience to me or disappointment for DS so AIBU to have just stropped off and no longer be speaking to him.

JeanSeberg Tue 11-Feb-14 14:05:02

Do you work too? What will be involved on moving day, hopefully he'll have been available all weekend to help pack unless you're getting the moving company to do this.

When do you get the keys to the new place? Could you move some stuff over the weekend and do as much as possible now with regards to phoning utility companies etc etc?

JeanSeberg Tue 11-Feb-14 14:05:21

How old is your son?

mistlethrush Tue 11-Feb-14 14:15:40

Have you got a packing service lined up? If so it won't be quite as bad. I would still be thinking of finding somewhere else to sleep on Monday night with DS and leaving your H to it.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Tue 11-Feb-14 14:22:14

Well, it's a shame you're going to come down with a mystery virus the night prior to the move and DH will just need to step up, isn't it?

Honestly, I can't believe some threads on here lately. Who are these men who constantly put upon their DWs? I don't know any men like this in real life!

JeanSeberg Tue 11-Feb-14 14:22:49

I'd just concentrate on getting two beds made up for Monday night and the rest can wait. As long as you have a kettle, you can have a chippy tea or go out to eat.

NewBlueCoat Tue 11-Feb-14 14:25:58

how old is ds?

how long would dh be going overseas for?

tbh, as long as you can move, get beds set up, and have services (gas/electric/phone/internet) set p so you can live, then I'm not sure I'm seeing a huge issue.

and I say this as someone whose dh travels a lot, and has at times done similar things. sometimes, trips cannot be rearranged, sometimes they can.

as long as you have food and essential services set up, then taking a bit longer to get settled or fully unpacked is not the ned of the world, imo.

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 14:26:58

We are overseas I don't work but because of the visa situation my DH has to sort out all the utility,Internet,satellite so if these are not sorted before he goes on Tuesday (highly likely satellite and Internet won't be ) that will be me stuck without them untill he gets back. We are getting the keys on Saturday so can move small stuff round over the weekend but the big stuff won't be moved untill the removal guys come on Monday (they have also billed us as a 2 day move so might still be moving on Tuesday) Also because we are moving from one rented house to another I also have to make sure the old house is clean and everything in order to get the deposit back as well as juggle the kids and somehow sort out the new house. To be honest I wasn't that bothered about him not taking time off to help me it's more the fact he dosent even register it might be a little inconvenient going away the day after the move . DS is going to be 16 he probably will be a little disappointed that we won't be properly celebrating his birthday all together (although DH has missed other birthdays due to overseas trips in fact I think he prides himself in booking them at the most inconvenient times) but he already knows it will be chaotic with the move and we are planning a party with his friends the following weekend.

NewBlueCoat Tue 11-Feb-14 14:28:41

I would be annoyed that dh wasnt even registering inconvenience, yes.

dreamingbohemian Tue 11-Feb-14 14:28:56

YANBU

Would be a shame if his stuff didn't make it onto the truck

dreamingbohemian Tue 11-Feb-14 14:33:12

x-post

I think it would be ok if he missed Monday, if he weren't going away Tuesday and thus could help with cleaning/setting up new place.

If he's going to do a runner practically right away, then he should take off Monday to try to get everything done.

If he won't listen to reason then at least hire someone else to do the deep clean, it will make life a lot easier.

Btw I have done an international move by myself, so I know it can be done, but I'd have been really pissed off if DH didn't appreciate what a huge amount of work it is, or had the option to help and didn't take it.

Mim78 Tue 11-Feb-14 14:37:12

He will have to pay someone to do all the packing and moving and do the deep clean then. Wwork is important but only if he will earn enough to make hiring extra help worth while.

Presumably ds 16 can help though - or should do!

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 14:39:11

Actually the only joy I am getting at the moment is the thought that if he dosent sort the satellite out he won't be able to record his football matches (and I know his team are playing next week) . The TV is rubbish here so I could probably do without satellite (forever) but DH loves the football so I might have to be super busy and accidently (on purpose) miss the satellite installation guy. Although dreaming bohemians idea is good too. I might use it as an excuse to get rid of all his horrible tops that he refuses to replace and blame the removal guys!

LouiseAderyn Tue 11-Feb-14 14:39:21

I think it's outrageous behaviour - moving house requires him to book at least one day off ( provided his job doesn't involve saving people's lives or defending the country ).

As for missing his child's birthday - again, if at all possible he should be around to celebrate. If he doesn't prioritise his family now, the time will come when they don't prioritise him. Does he want that to be the future of his relationship with the dc?

LouiseAderyn Tue 11-Feb-14 14:42:41

Me again. You are far too tolerant, which is ehy your h is treating you like shit. If he was mine I'd be inclined to move without him - I certainly wouldn't be packing his stuff or recording his bloody football.

You must have mug tattooed on your forehead.

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 14:48:48

yes I am my own worst enemy most people here have maids but I (god know why) have always felt guilty about sitting around watching every one work when I am more than capable of cleaning my own house as I have nothing else to do as I can't work here due to visa issues. Well it has well and truely come back to bite me on the backside. I think I will spend this weekend ringing around some cleaning agencies good idea Mim78 and dreaming

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 14:53:42

Louise that's exactly how I feel that we obviously don't even register in his decision making or daily life. If the tables were reversed I am sure my first thoughts would be the inconvenience and extra work it would cause to DH but today when he got the news (we were sat together when he read the email) not a flicker of a thought for how it would affect me . infact he was probably planning which bars he was going to hit as he seemed almost happy about it.

seafoodudon Tue 11-Feb-14 14:56:49

The one piece of advice that my mil has given me that I really value is that if you can afford to you are doing a service by paying others for help. She was a sahm but had paid domestic help as it 'spreads the money around'. I really like this way of looking at it because it makes me feel good for paying someone a small wage each week rather than guilty that I'm being lazy.

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 15:05:44

I like that advise seafoodudon I think it might become my new mantra . We have a maids room in the new house maybe I should fill it with a maid (either that or shove DH in it!)

LouiseAderyn Tue 11-Feb-14 15:09:20

Then what are you going to do to change things? By all means buy in help, but you shouldn't have to do this because your h refuses to be part of his own family.

Your choices come down to living like this for the rest of your life, knowing you and your children are not a priority for your h or making changes to your relationship.

All I know is that if you do as you've always done, you'll get what you've always got! You deserve to be cared for and considered, the same as everyone else. Otherwise what's the point of being in a relationship.

dreamingbohemian Tue 11-Feb-14 15:13:05

Are you planning to stay overseas long-term? Do you want to? It doesn't sound very fun for you.

I think it's pretty sad your DH is excited about going away on your son's birthday. Says it all really.

Isthiscorrect Tue 11-Feb-14 15:18:12

Where are you Letslet? It sounds like the ME or Asia in which case a maid service can clean. And normally the removal men pack and unpack. My mum was her last time we moved and we didn't realise she had early onset dementia. Because we hadn't packed (just waiting for the guys - 10 of them to pack a 3 bed villa-) everyday she would get up and pack her suitcase.
Seriously, it will be hard. If you are in the ME normally a letter of no objection, a copy of dh passport and visa will do the trick to get connected, except for satellite obviously.
And for ds get a takeaway from the place you never get it because it's too expensive.
Good luck.

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 15:18:27

You are right LouiseAderyn I think there definatley needs to be a redress on DH's priority on family life. This isn't an isolated event and to be honest a bit of me wasn't even surprised by his reaction as I have seen it before. I am quite independent and I think I have largely facilitated his behaviour but we have ended up leading almost seperate lives off the back of it . We definatley need to look at working as a team more something I feel we never do now.

Letslet Tue 11-Feb-14 15:27:25

I'm in Asia now isthiscorrect . I've also done the Middle East before here so familiar with the hassles there as well. . In another moment of madness I turned down the packing/unpacking service as I hate the way they wrap everything and then you have to unwrap it all and as we are just moving locally I thought it would be easier if we move all the small stuff ourselves and the removal people just do the big stuff like beds . Good idea in theory but heaps of work this weekend as we move all the stuff from our kitchen cabinets, wardrobes , shelves etc from one house to the next.

Isthiscorrect Tue 11-Feb-14 15:37:05

Letslet, call them back and get them to pack. Even if you don't like it at least it won't be you and you can unpack at your leisure. That will be your stuff, ds can do his and dh, well good luck to him with that.
Seriously now is not the time to stress over (d)h but to get on with the job in hand. You stressing about it isn't going to make any difference. When this is done stand back and think long and hard about what's in this for you. Ds will be at uni before you can bat an eyelid.

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