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To feel like crap because I just can't cut being a sahm

(66 Posts)
ilovechips Tue 11-Feb-14 12:18:28

That's it really. DD 21months, I have been at home since mat leave. The idea was that after mat leave DH and I would split work between us so both working p/t and caring for DD. Was all in place etc...However his employer unexpectedly went bust just at the end of my mat leave. He was able to secure another job however not p/t so we decided I would stay home (he earns more than me, we couldn't manage on my salary alone).

I've just reached the end of my tether with being at home all day with a toddler. She's fabulous, sleeps well etc, but I just find it mind numbing playing toddler games or reading toddler books all day. We go out somewhere every day. I just desperately miss adult company and feel like a failure. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes with the tantrums and screaming and just toddler-ness! DH is very supportive but I definitely get the feeling he thinks I'm mad, he often says he would kill to be at home all day - this may well be true but unfortunately not a likely possibility due to salary difference.

I am in the process of looking for agency work which will fit around DH work, I went on a training course the other day and felt exhilarated getting in the car and leaving the house.

Anyway I guess all I am asking is, does anyone else know what I mean? I love her to bits, feel so guilty, but just crave some adult time sometimes!

YANBU - I love my DS to pieces but have never been a SAHM, it would have driven me mad.

Horses for courses, you do what makes you and your family happier. If you are happier then your DD will be too.

My first day back to work after ML (DS was 20 weeks and I went back 3 days) I remember literally skipping off to work.

CrazyOldCatLady Tue 11-Feb-14 12:21:47

Don't feel bad, everyone's different. I adore my kids with all my heart but there's no way I could spend 7 days a week at home with them.

Pigeonhouse Tue 11-Feb-14 12:22:01

God, absolutely, and I think it's fairly common. I don't think you should feel remotely guilty.

I found myself in something like your circumstances where the working arrangement we had worked out for after my maternity leave exploded because of unforeseen circumstances. We were also living in a new, rural environment where we knew no one, and I couldn't drive, and it was a very snowy winter - I nearly went mad. I actually found the length of the days frightening.

Good luck with the jobhunt.

Writerwannabe83 Tue 11-Feb-14 12:22:47

21 months as a SAHM - no wonder you are going mad!!!

I'm pregnant with my first (due in 6 weeks) and the plan is for me to have 12 months off and I'm already kind of dreading it!!!!!!

I really hope you are successful in your hunt for agency work and please don't feel guilty. You are your own person with your own needs and aspirations, not just a mom.

Anydrinkwilldo Tue 11-Feb-14 12:23:49

YADNBU, I'm on ML with ds2 at the moment (he's only 2weeks) and much as I love my 2 boys I'll be happy to go back to work. If it came a time it wasn't working having 2 parents in ft employment we've already discussed that dh would be SAHD. I have depression and find stating at home really affects me

Tailtwister Tue 11-Feb-14 12:24:15

I think the reality of being at home full-time with young children is very different from how people perceive it to be. I was at home from when DS2 was born until he was just over 3 and although I enjoyed it, it certainly brought home to me that being a SAHM wasn't the bed of roses I thought it would be when I was working part-time after having DS1. It's exhausting in a way which work never was and completely relentless. At least at work I can go to the toilet alone!

I think you're sensible to get out there and doing some training/see what's available. If you can find something to fit around your DH's work all the better! Don't feel guilty. Whatever you do you'll feel guilty for something whether you stay at home or not. Seems it part and parcel of being a mother!

Destinysdaughter Tue 11-Feb-14 12:24:48

There was a thread recently about how many women with young children felt exactly like you and also felt like it was affecting your mental health. You are not alone! It's a taboo thing to admit but also a relief. I'm sure many women will come along soon and say me too! Can you get a p/t job or do some voluntary work to get you out of the house?

Hassled Tue 11-Feb-14 12:25:09

Oh please don't feel guilty. Some parents love being at home and it suits them down to the ground - others are just bored or ground down by the Groundhog Day monotony of it all. You don't choose it, it's just how you happen to respond.

Find some quality childcare, research nurseries/childminders etc and look for work. I know people hate the "happy mother, happy child" mantra but I think there's a lot of truth in it - it's certainly easier to parent well if life is good and you're feeling confident about yourself. The best of luck with it.

Indith Tue 11-Feb-14 12:28:18

Everyone enjoys different things. Some people want to be teachers, some doctors, some enjoy working in shops, others offices. We don't expect everyone to want the same things in life so why would being a SAHM be any different? Some love it, flourish and wouldn't change it for the world. Others don't. No reason to beat yourself up about it and it doen'st mean you don't love your child.

I hated it too. Did it for 5 mind numbing years. Now I'm at uni retraining, stressed, haggard, sleep deprived but far more sane than when I was at home with the kids.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 11-Feb-14 12:28:27

Oh good grief, YANBU! SAHPing is certainly not for everyone. I couldn't do it. I was stuck at home for 18 months when DD2 was born until DD1 started school as we couldn't afford nursery for two. I nearly lost my mind - I was anxious, depressed, always snapping at the DDs and it really was one of the darkest periods of my life. I am a far better parent when I don't spend all day with my DDs.

The wonderful thing about life is that we all have different skills and talents. Otherwise, we'd all want the same jobs and there would be chaos.

It boggles my mind that people enjoy being a SAHP in the same way that it boggles me that people enjoy being dentists, accountants or project managers. And I'm sure many people would rather chew off their own arm than do my job (which I love).

This idea that all women have some instinctual need to be with their children 24/7, and that all women wish they could be SAHP is very, very false, and deeply damaging to women who don't fit the stereotype.

Find yourself a job, even if you don't make money after childcare, you'll retain your sanity, and will gain in the long run through keeping your career going.

Good luck!!

rainbowfeet Tue 11-Feb-14 12:28:31

I think as a parent especially a mum there's an element of guilt in most choices we make concerning our children.

I'm a lone parent & feel guilty & quite worthless at the moment as I'm having to rely on benefits because I can't find a job to fit in around dc's confused

MollyDoublyBarrely Tue 11-Feb-14 12:30:07

YANBU, at all.

It took 6 months for me to crack and get bank work as an HCA. Even just one or to shifts working with adult human beings was enough to take the edge off until I started college in Sept.

Fingers crossed you can find some relief soon!

ilovechips Tue 11-Feb-14 12:32:00

Thanks for the responses, it's really reassuring to know others feel the same! I am a nurse, and have registered with an NHS agency, just the paperwork takes forever to sort out (months since I applied!) but hopefully not too much longer until I can start booking shifts and be someone other than Mummy for at least a few hours now and again smile

CHJR Tue 11-Feb-14 12:34:38

And you're a nurse, you have other valuable things to do! Of course you shouldn't feel bad.

I must say from my own experience that being a SAHM is much harder and lonelier here in the UK than in any other place I've lived. Here I find I don't see any other adult all day, except maybe the postman. It's no wonder women get depressed.

Joysmum Tue 11-Feb-14 12:35:46

Just because I'm a SAHM, doesn't mean I think everyone should be.

We all are very different people and need to live our lives to suit our, strengths, weaknesses, ability, loves and hates. Nowt wrong with that, we only have one life and there are benefits and disadvantages to everything.

mummymeister Tue 11-Feb-14 12:36:10

why would it BU? it suits some and not others. I loved it and was glad of it after a v stressful job but we are all different and it makes you no less of a mother for saying it. I did find though that I had to get involved with some adult things like working groups, volunteering etc not quite every day but at least a couple of times a week to feel that I was doing something adult and useful. you might want to give this a go even in the short term if possible. now they are grown up what I wouldn't do for a morning at playgroup smile

Writerwannabe83 Tue 11-Feb-14 12:36:34

I'm a nurse too ilovechips and would love to be able to join a Bank and do some shifts in a hospital whilst on Maternity Leave from my Community Based role.....I'm pretty sure it's not allowed though!!! smile

The best of luck to you!!!!!

MissBetseyTrotwood Tue 11-Feb-14 12:36:59

It took me about 4 years to realise how shit I was at being a SAHM. You're not alone.

My BF is a SAHM and she's amazing at it.

Thetallesttower Tue 11-Feb-14 12:37:54

Don't feel a failure I prefer working out of the home it suits my personality. I did manage to clock up a couple of years at home with my first and did mostly enjoy it but I know myself well enough now to know I need the social interaction, goal-setting stuff that goes along with my career.

Judyandherdreamofhorses Tue 11-Feb-14 12:39:59

I really, really thought I'd want to be a SAHM. I'm a teacher and used to say 'Why would I want to pay someone to look after my kids, then go and work with someone else's myself?'. Then I found out what it's like being with your own all day!

Going back to work (part time) when DS (DC2) was one is the best thing I could have done. I'm enjoying him, and DD (4) so much more! I feel more refreshed when I see them, even after a day at school, and look forward to, rather than dread, the weekends.

Thetallesttower Tue 11-Feb-14 12:40:46

By the way, its really worth keeping your hand in when you are a nurse so you are still registered and up to date or whatever you have to do legally- I know at least one nurse who worked two days a week for no extra income for a couple of years just to keep this up, then when the children went to school it really started paying off.

Devilforasideboard Tue 11-Feb-14 12:42:22

You'll feel guilty whatever you do, it seems to be part of the territory. I went back to work part-time after 5 months and it was a blessed relief! I would have liked a bit longer working part-time but that wasn't an option so went full-time after a month. It's such a cliche but the time we spend together now really is quality time and we both get so much more out of it than when I was at home all the time losing my mind. I think for a lot of people the idea of being at home all the time doesn't have any relation to the reality.

CheesyBadger Tue 11-Feb-14 12:42:52

I felt like this, so I did childminding. Then that wasn't for me so I started a craft business and a degree with the OU. Dd at 3 now does 2 days at preschool and I study or make.... Finally feel the balance is right

Judyandherdreamofhorses Tue 11-Feb-14 12:43:26

Oh yes, I don't make any money going to work! It all goes on childcare. It's almost a hobby really!

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