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AIBU?

to not want my mother to send DS money?

19 replies

CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 21:53

Am really not sure if I am or not!

DS is six and obsessed with Pokemon cards. He particularly likes a kind that is a pack in a special tin with a toy. It costs $20.

We're in the process of sorting through a lot of things around our house as we just have SO MUCH STUFF, and trying to get rid of a lot. DS has tons of toys, many he no longer plays with, and is not good about picking up his things. This especially applies to his Pokemon cards as he likes to have them in very specific order, etc, and has had meltdowns in the past when I've made him tidy them up instead of leaving them in piles all over the house.

The other day he was on skype with my mother. Afterward he came to me and said "Mimi said she will send me $20 on the computer to buy a new tin of Pokemon cards!"

I told him no. He was really upset with me, and the next day on the phone I heard him telling my mom that I had said no. She said "well tell her that I offered, you didn't ask, so it's okay." He got really excited about that but I still said no and he was upset all over again. She talked to me later and said "oh seriously, I'll just send $20 to your paypal and you can buy him the cards!" I told her no, I wasn't comfortable with that and she heaved great sighs but said fine. Now, however, she's brought it up a few times "jokingly", like "you're such a meanie", etc.

It isn't that I want to make DS upset, or that I'd have a problem with her bringing him the cards or something like it as a present when she comes to visit, or he visits her. (My parents live a five hour drive away). I know a lot of grandparents like to buy presents and I'm lucky they adore my DC and are involved.

But I don't want DS thinking that you can just ask for a (not exactly cheap) present when it's not your birthday or Christmas, or you haven't earned it, and get it just because. Also he doesn't need any more toys at the moment, especially toys he isn't prepared to keep tidy.

AIBU?

OP posts:

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HappyMummyOfOne · 10/02/2014 22:03

I'd let her, whats the harm and she did say he didnt ask. I often treat my niece and nephew and would be upset if my brother forbid me.

Do you only ever buy yourself something as you deserve rather than just because? Or only have things at birthdays or christmas?

Janethegirl · 10/02/2014 22:04

No I don't think so, but I've never been in favour of my kids receiving money at any time. I preferred family to send gifts not money at any time. However I've been called a control freak many times and it doesn't concern me one bit!

Dromedary · 10/02/2014 22:04

YANBU. Though I am guilty of picking things up for the DCs at charity shops, as so cheap (usually books though), I do get the idea that it is best to save presents for birthday and Christmas. Children are forever being given little presents - it's too much, and encourages a sense of entitlement.
Things will seem pleasanter once you've had the clear out to the charity shop.
The small things are the worst. DD was once given a pack of pipe cleaners for Christmas, and for months they got everywhere and drove me up the wall. She never actually played with them.
Maybe you can explain to granny - birthday and Christmas and only one present each time?

drudgetrudy · 10/02/2014 22:06

Yes YABU. You are the fun police for both your DS and DM.

jenniferturkington · 10/02/2014 22:09

Yabu
It's up to her if she sends him money. If he did ask then it's your responsibility to teach him that this is bad manners. But it sounds like he didn't ask so I can't see any problem.
I think you are being extremely harsh telling him he can't have it after it's already been given to him.

CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 22:11

LOL at fun police! :o That would be terrible indeed. My mother grates at me for a lot of reasons and it's hard to tell whether I'm BU where she's concerned. Lately she is obsessed with us moving house or building on because the DC have such "tiny" rooms. (They don't.) And whenever I say DS has to pick up his room she says "oh, he really should have to keep it clean, it's so small he can't really". But this is an entirely separate issue and I will treat it as such.

Thanks for the input...I will think about it.

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CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 22:12

Jennifer it wasn't given to him, she was going to send it.

I think the part that irritates me too is that I told him he couldn't have more Pokemon cards until we figured out what to do with the ones he already has. He told her I wasn't going to buy him more and she responded with, I will send you money for some. Obviously she knows we can afford the cards, so I had my own reasons for not wanting him to have more right now. So it feels like she went against my wishes, iyswim.

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Nanny0gg · 10/02/2014 22:13

If he didn't ask then YABU.

She wants to buy him stuff, she's his granny! And in theory cards shouldn't take up too much room.

Can't you arrange some shelves in his room so that he has somewhere to keep them in the 'right' order?

pancakesfortea · 10/02/2014 22:14

My in laws send our boys twenty quid a month each. That would buy a lot of plastic tat. I don't feel I can tell them not to send it. They are lovely generous people who want to indulge their distant grandchildren in a way they couldn't indulge their children (because they didn't have the cash then).

But I do exercise some control over how it is spent. I try not to be too restrictive because it is supposed to be fun money. But I do encourage them to save up for things rather than frittering it all away on football cards.

MisForMumNotMaid · 10/02/2014 22:15

If you have toys underfoot thats a different issue to not allowing new ones in, isn't it?

The clutter is one thing, respect for possessions another and a gift from a grandparent yet another.

Is there some form of middle ground where everyone gets to come out of this happily? Something like ... You get the tin of cards from the money Granny has sent (Granny is happy), DS has a target of clearing up after himself for say 1 week or earning 10 stars on a chart of days he's tidied without being repeatedly asked and he has to give to you to ebay/ give to charity/ bin two items from his current toy haul for every new thing he wants. (You get a little bit of clutter cleared) he gets/ earns shinny new tin so he's happy.

I suffer a historic clutter problem and now we're on top of it the one in one out rule is so strictly adhered to by my DC that i've had problems with them saying they don't want gifts they've been given whilst still new because they don't want to part with their pared down, still I think quite large, toy collections.

Smartiepants79 · 10/02/2014 22:16

Personally I can see where you're coming from. I feel the same a bit with my DD. she sees my parents every week and her other GP every month or so. She always seems to come back with something!
Often something small, or practical like books or clothes but still...
When she was very little my mum always said "she doesn't understand about birthdays etc, she can just have things as she is interested in them." I get what she means but now my DD is 3 and starting to expect it a bit.
She has so much stuff!
I would have perhaps allowed it this time but then had a really serious conversation with my Mum and explained my feelings and ask her not to do it again without consulting me.

Viviennemary · 10/02/2014 22:21

I'd just let her buy the cards. It's not a huge amount of money and as long as you make it clear to DS and your Mum that this is not to be a regular weekly or even monthly thing.

WooWooOwl · 10/02/2014 23:09

I can see why it's irritating, Burt really, let it go.

The loveliness of a grandmother wanting to treat her grandchild outweighs the minor annoyance that is more bloody Pokemon/football/yu gi oh cards.

I think it is ok for grandparents to give little unearned gifts just 'because'. It's a special little thing for grandparents, children don't expect it from anyone else or become spoilt just because their grandparent does it, they can tell it's a grandparent only thing.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 10/02/2014 23:13

One in one out rule?
he can have them but first he has to pick something that he no longer wants or needs and it can be ebayed or given to charity?

madeupstuff · 10/02/2014 23:20

Sounds like he needs some better storage for the cards. Those tins are a PITA.

CheerfulYank · 10/02/2014 23:31

He has album type things (like binders with plastic sleeves for cards) but they are quite full.

Buying things "just because" doesn't bother me (though at some point her favoritism of DS over DD may), I think it's more that she knew I'd said no.

I will let it go. I'm pretty easy going usually, honest! My mom just always manages to wind me up. But that's not DS's fault.

OP posts:

bouncingbelle · 10/02/2014 23:35

I,d try and get her on board .... Ie granny will send you the £20 when you,ve kept your room tidy for a week, etc.

EmmelineGoulden · 11/02/2014 10:03

Given that your DM said she'd send the money just becasue she knew you'd said your DS couldn't have them, YANBU to stick to your guns. She's undermining you (and she knows it). You could offer her the opportunity to spend the $20 on something that is OK by you (like more binders perhaps?).

surgicalwidow · 11/02/2014 10:06

Loving that your DCs call their granny 'Mimi.' It's what we call our (97yo!) granny too

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