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AIBU about not taking baby around MIL's

(70 Posts)
Totalpushover Mon 10-Feb-14 17:58:06

Hi there, I've asked this before but I need avice again...

Basically myself and OH are younger parents, 18 and 20.
Please don't judge us on that, I'm desperate now.
We cannot afford private.
I will be living at my mums, and my OH cannot live with due to space. However he's welcome over whenever he likes.
His mother was under impression we were both going to live at his, and is now very pissed off that i'm not.
He's tried to talk to her about her dogs and her smoking.
She has finally agreed she won't smoke in the house when bubba's comes over, but i'm not entirely happy with this as she'll smoke any others time in the house and third hand smoke is dangerous too.
I've said to OH because of the lingering smoke I cannot allow LO to sleep overnights, its too risky and if she was damaged by constant smoke thats festered i'll never forgive myself.
She will not hear a bad word on her dogs. (Three Jack Russells, and an elderly Labrador.) They are not trained, do not listen an two are snappy, have bit, will bite for no reason or for unacceptable reasons. She does not care, it is our faults apparently. All I asked is that they are on ground level when baby is round, so they cannot express dominance, and be all over her.
MIL disagrees and says they should be allowed to lick her all over, be protective and love her.
I do not share these views, a dog is a dog, and shouldn't be given such frighteningly close access, especially to a newborn.
MIL cannot come around mine, my mum and herself do not get on.
What do I do? Its causing huge tension between myself and OH, and tearing us apart.
Should I just stick to my guns, and only have LO around his for a few hours in the day or not even risk it at all?
Any advice would be great, but please no flaming If you feel strongly on this subject please back why x

rubyslippers Mon 10-Feb-14 17:59:49

i would not for a minute live with someone who let their dogs lick my newborn

it is not acceptable IMO

rubyslippers Mon 10-Feb-14 18:00:51

and a dog that is snappy too

you are the parents and whilst i understand it may be difficult for your DP, he should be backing you up

Totalpushover Mon 10-Feb-14 18:00:57

Its not a case of living with her if that wasn't clear, its the visits and overnight stays.. x

formerbabe Mon 10-Feb-14 18:01:11

Your mil sounds very unreasonable. I wouldn't take my baby round there if I was you.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 10-Feb-14 18:01:26

I'd not let dogs or smokers around a baby.

Either she puts the dogs away whilst you are there or doesn't see the baby. Surely that's your prerogative.

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating Mon 10-Feb-14 18:01:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:01:59

I remember your last thread and don't see what it is that you are asking differently...?

Out of interest why are you posting the same question again? I don't mean that rudely just wondering.

rubyslippers Mon 10-Feb-14 18:02:31

no to overnight stays

yes, perhaps to a visit on the condition the dogs are nowhere near the baby and she doesn't smoke around the baby either

DanceParty Mon 10-Feb-14 18:03:02

A baby (not a bubba) is entitled to be safe.

Chottie Mon 10-Feb-14 18:04:09

Hello, congratulations on your lovely baby.

Just a few suggestions for you....

Could you meet your BF's mother in a local cafe? It would be neutral ground and no dogs or smoking would be allowed.

Could you talk to your mother and see if she would be prepared to bury the hatchet, so BF's mother could come round to your house?

I would feel exactly the same as you regarding smoking and the dogs smile

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 10-Feb-14 18:04:56


Ffs what is wrong with people?!

I have a dog and can tell you there will be no licking (that I am aware of anyway) of any children I have.

She licks her own bum and god knows what else.

I let her lick my arms at push, never my face.

pussycatdoll Mon 10-Feb-14 18:05:02

Could you meet in a cafe ?

youmustbejoking75 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:05:25

Not a notion. No overnight stay and visits with you there and u leave if dogs are in room. No smoking when there. Say your health visitor has advised about dangers of second hand smoke linked to cot death. Be strong just say no.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Mon 10-Feb-14 18:05:34

Your OH needs to get his finger out and support you properly against his unreasonable mother. I'm assuming that's why you're asking again, because he is giving in to her?

Totalpushover Mon 10-Feb-14 18:06:52

Its not my mum thats being troublesome, she wont come over.
And yes I posted pretty much same question before, but my OH has since spoke to her asking that dogs go in another room as posters suggested (she said not to even bother mentioning dogs as they own the house)
And the smoking situation she is not budging but I am going to show OH this post later so he can for himself what others feel on situation as I feel he's feeling very backed into a corner right now and is understandably upset as its not his choice he has no say when it comes to his mum who is very strong headed

AlpacaLypse Mon 10-Feb-14 18:08:51

Yanbu, and I hope you three will be able to afford to live somewhere all together very soon.

As you say, you and DP are both very young and it must be very hard for him to disagree with his mother, especially as he will have been brought up with cigarettes and badly behaved dogs and will probably perceive that as normal.

I'd take advantage of your mother being happy to have DP round whenever and just ride it out.

Totalpushover Mon 10-Feb-14 18:09:00

As for cafe I will be suggesting this, but as she works 6am-5pm makes it difficult and sundays she has off but usually buggers off to shops/her horses ect and is only really around evenings and between 4:30-5:00 where she likes to sit down with a few beers.
OH said midwife was horrified and said her fears and his mum didn't really take it on board.

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 18:10:33

There is NO way I would let me baby go to hers at all. She will not shut up those dogs and you know it. I would end things with your OH if won't back you up and start legal action to make sure he can never take your child to his mother's. It's dangerous.

Leonas Mon 10-Feb-14 18:11:15

Of course you are not being unreasonable. All of my dd's grandparents smoke but none of them would smoke around her. As for the dogs, if you don't feel comfortable around them, why should you have to have your baby (or bubba - does it matter?!) near them. I don't think you can ever fully trust an animal with children - for the record, I would happily have a dog - we have a cat which I don't leave in the room with the baby in case he sits on her or has a floopy turn, which he is prone to, and scratches her when he is 'playing'.
Stick to your guns

AlpacaLypse Mon 10-Feb-14 18:11:22

And if your MIL wants to see her grandchild, she's going to have to stop drama-llamaing about her sodding dogs and fags and either do as suggested or accept meeting in neutral places like cafes!

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:12:19

Well truthfully it would be difficult to lock 4 dogs in a bedroom for a few hours. Maybe you could suggest they could have the run of the house and you could close the livingroom door so they won't be near baby?

What do you want her to do with regards to the smoking? She has said she won't smoke in the house while your child is there... Do you want her to stop smoking in her home entirely?

I think those suggesting a cafe or something have the right idea. At the end of the day it's your child so you have the final say on what you find acceptable for your baby to be around but it is MILs house so she has the final say whether she smokes and lets her dogs roam freely in her home.

If she won't compromise with the dogs then I don't think it leaves you much option other than to meet outwith the home.

MB34 Mon 10-Feb-14 18:13:00

YANBU, stand your ground - no way would I let my child sleepover in a house where there is secondhand smoke or dogs (of any kind!) I wouldn't even take my DS to visit a house where there is secondhand smoke - IMO it's disgusting, smelly and not at all good for you!
I have visited houses where there are dogs - one house in particular had a jack russell, DS was playing on his own on the floor, the dog was there with the owner in between them and the dog tried to go for DS. So I'm very careful around animals now.

Your OH needs to back you up on what you decide, but first he needs to realise that being in his mum's house is not good for your child's health or safety!

expatinscotland Mon 10-Feb-14 18:14:08

You need to tell your midwife about this and get her on board because your child simply cannot ever be in his mum's home as she has dogs that bite and smokes.

ZombiesAreClammyDodgers Mon 10-Feb-14 18:18:46

It's not so much the views she has than the fact that she appears completely unwilling to defer to the parents. Unfortunately I think you have to stick to our guns.

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