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AIBU?

to want to spend quality time alone with my daughter

17 replies

jopickles · 10/02/2014 15:30

I am a single mum to a (nearly) 4 year old but I live with my parents so I never get to have any real time with her by myself and my mum really interferes but as she provides a lot of free childcare for me I find it hard to criticise her for this but its like sometimes she forgets that she is my daughter and not hers. The other side of this is my sister, she hates to be on her own for any length of time, she has her own house but comes to ours every night until at least 8pm and is with us all weekend (unless she gets a better offer) again she helps entertain my little one when I have jobs to do but sometimes I just want to take her to the cinema or for a walk just the two of us but then it starts with 'let your sister come' 'why don't we all go'. I even got holiday vouchers for Christmas for Butlins and within half an hour it was decided we all go which I know my daughter will love I just feel that I am missing out on our time together. Yesterday I promised my daughter I would take her to the new lego film and an hour later without asking me my sister told her she would take her and has mentioned it again today!!! sorry for rambling I'm just frustrated and been made to feel mean for taking my own child out for the day by ourselves. Oh yes I forgot to mention my sister is 33 so not a child!

OP posts:

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CailinDana · 10/02/2014 15:34

Yanbu. You need to stand up for yourself and just say "no, I'm taking her on my own."

bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 15:36

well it's nice that your dd has so much love around her but no you do need mum/dd time.

just out in coats and go out. don't tell them your plans. your dsis needs more in her life too, can you suggest things she could do.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 10/02/2014 15:39

You just have to grow a pair and be a bit more insistent.

jopickles · 10/02/2014 15:44

My sis does have a lot of friends and goes to the gym every night but she is very needy company wise not to mention that I buy most of the food she eats and can't understand when I get annoyed that she doesn't have a family to feed and she should have her own meals once in a while. I have even just found out that my mum has gone mad about some of my daughters toys I have left out for charity and has taken them all out to save!!! I think it is time to have a chat I just hate the thought of offending her when I live in their house and they look after her whenever I need them.

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Goldmandra · 10/02/2014 15:47

Chose a new activity to start with her, perhaps weekly, and announce it from the off as 'our special mother/daughter time'. Tell DD about it in front of them and really lay the 'special time for just us' on thick.

You can say lots of things about how lovely it is doing all the things you do as a family and how lucky DD is to have all the wonderful adult attention too, just to help reduce the severity of any noses being pushed out of joint.

Chose a name for the activity the defines it as being exclusively the two of you just to keep matters clear.

bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 15:48

think your mother doesn't treat either you or your sister like the adults you are.

still you have free child care so you take the piss a bit too.

can't you rent somewhere and get some space? do you pay your mum rent?

it sounds a bit if a mess of boundary issues and piss taking from you both.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/02/2014 15:52

I really relate, I'm also a single mum and although I don't live with my parents (shudder!) they do help out alot and although I couldn't survive without them taking Ds to stay with them... I hate that my mother particularly doesn't have boundaries and does absolutely 'forget' that she's not the mum.

It sounds like you have a better relationship with your parents than I do, but even so, it must be very hard for you, especially as you live in it all the time.

Can you be a bit more insistent about having private 'mummy-dd' time? It's the hardest thing to refuse to be pushed around by family.

I don't think you should be Asking for it, but arranging it and then very nicely not taking no for an answer saying things like 'oh yes absolutely please do come next time, this times just for some mummy- daughter time', and keep smiling and being nice and saying 'yes next time would be lovely let's go together'...

jopickles · 10/02/2014 15:55

I don't take the piss I arranged with my parents before I went back to work that they would look after her 2 days a week an agreement that I constantly offer to change or provide payment for but am always told no. I don't pay rent at the moment but I buy all the food for the household (4 adults, my daughter and a dog) and do the majority of the cooking and a share of the housework and also pay for my dad's phone contract. I always treat my parents to gifts, flowers etc to thank them for their babysitting and make it clear to my daughter that when I am not there she is to respect my parents and that they are in charge, I never question how they look after her when I am not present as I feel that then undermines them and I know they do a great job I just feel that my mum needs to see that she undermines me on many occasions. I can't afford to move out or I would but again I have mentioned it on many occasions but my mum gets upset and makes me feel like I have offended her. most of the time we get on great but sometimes things just come to head

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bodygoingsouth · 10/02/2014 16:43

yes so you don't take the piss can see that.

can see how your dm takes over and probably duedbt even realise it. To her you are her child and your child is an extension of those feelings.

can you do a specific activity with dd? swimming? think it's a case of getting up on a Saturday, getting dd ready and going out. if your sis tries to go with you can you say it's just mum and dd time?

doesn't your dsis have mates? she's taking the puss re food that's why u think she sounds like she feels she's still living at home. do you think she's a bit jealous that you still live there and she doesn't?

complicated!

RenterNomad · 10/02/2014 16:45

If ypu were to look st what you spend on food, flowers, phone contract, etc., I bet you would be shocked at thr amount, especially with your sister's freeloading! If it's more than rent and food for TWO, do think about moving out, as this situation sounds very difficult for you, not least because you seem to feel guilty for not liking some quite unreasonable things! A more formal setup might benefit you all, giving you and DD the space you need, and possibly not costing a lot less! Are you managing to save anything at the moment?

TamerB · 10/02/2014 16:48

I think your first priority is to move out. In the meantime I would stop announcing plans in advance.

jopickles · 10/02/2014 16:51

thanks everyone I think moving out will be an option for early next year I just need to get some savings etc which I am working on

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Splatt34 · 10/02/2014 16:53

Don't tell them where you're going just go. Agree with finding an activity or group but if not just take her to the park or soft play or a cafe. Don't announce it, don't give them chance to join in just go. Of they are upset when you get back just tell them it was mother daughter time.

2rebecca · 10/02/2014 16:55

I think that you need to tell your mum when she makes "why don't we all go/ sister come too" suggestions that "thanks but no." You have to be more assertive. I'd agree re not announcing your every move in advance as well. If you want to go to the cinema just go. You're behaving like a child in asking permission which is why you're being treated like one.
I'd be looking to move out asap though. The best way to get your parents to treat you as an adult is to behave like one and that includes being financially independant.

innisglas · 10/02/2014 16:55

Your family sounds lovely as do you. Have you tried talking to your mother about your feelings?

2rebecca · 10/02/2014 17:01

And when your sister said she wanted to take your daughter to the cinema why didn't you tell her you were going together and suggest she takes her to something else instead? I think you are probably going to upset them a bit initially until they get used to the fact that unlike them you enjoy doing things without other adults sometimes.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 10/02/2014 19:07

You know that thing you do with toddlers? The nice but firm, repeat a simple phrase til the boundary is understood...

Apply that to parents and sister :)

Nice, firm, kind, immovable...

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