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to be hurt and angry that DH lied?

(61 Posts)
mindthegap01 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:31:04

I've recently gone from working full time to starting maternity leave. Although DH still works full time our income is going to be a lot less while I'm off and he made a big thing about us needing to be really careful with money.

I arranged to have someone come and clean the oven last week and DH was not happy, said it was an extravagance we couldn't afford anymore and he'd do it himself. Fair enough - I cancelled it and got a refund.

On Saturday he went out and bought himself a new tool that apparently he's wanted for ages. He's been playing with it ever since (literally like a little boy with his favourite Christmas present ). I asked how much it cost and he said £20 with 10% off as it was ex-display. I said something like "£2 off, lol, better than nothing!" and he agreed.

Washing his jeans this morning I emptied the pockets and found the receipt. £80, not £20. For the record the oven clean would have been £60, which I agree is a lot.

Am I being unreasonable to be really pissed off and upset that he lied? Or is it just that I'm frustrated to suddenly have no money and no adults to talk to most of the time, having until recently done a really demanding job where I felt really valued. Thanks.

WooWooOwl Mon 10-Feb-14 11:36:58

YANBU, but I think this sort of thing is pretty common. I'm always hearing about women buying clothes and shoes and lying about having them for ages or lying about the price.

I'd let it go as long as he does a good job of cleaning the oven without making you wait ages for it.

ClemencePoesy Mon 10-Feb-14 11:38:38

It seems what he really means is YOU have to be more careful with money as you aren't earning anymore, whilst he can carry on as normal buying his toys.

uc Mon 10-Feb-14 11:38:56

I'd be annoyed. I'd raise it with him too. He should have been honest. I think his lying shows that he knew he was in the wrong!

That oven better be SPARKLING....!!!

Pooka Mon 10-Feb-14 11:40:34

I would be extremely cross at the double standard here.

He decided that your proposed expense was too much. But his purchase - fine and dandy.

He knew he was being an arse. Or he wouldn't have needed to lie.

I am not sure I would let it lie as such. I would definitely want to have a discussion about the lying and the hypocrisy. I would also want him, tonight, to clean the oven to within an inch of its life.

SamG76 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:42:38

I'm assuming the tool isn't a type of cleaning device, suitable for ovens!

YANBU to be upset, but maybe YABU to mention it, as you will be creating a rod for your own back if you ever do anything similar

enriquetheringbearinglizard Mon 10-Feb-14 11:46:01

I take it the 'tool' wasn't a steam cleaner to attack the oven with? hmm

I'm intrigued to know what the tool is? and what it does that he was 'playing' with it. I'm so hoping it's for things that will ultimately save money around the home doesn't sound much like it though

£60 is a lot to clean the oven. I buy that Lakeland gel stuff that you put on with a brush and it works really well.
That's not the point at all though is it...lying and deceit isn't good and you do need to tackle it and clear the air.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:46:32

YANBU. Personally I would wash dry and iron his jeans fold them up and place the receipt on top.

Have the oven cleaning stuff ready for him too.

GTA5MASTER Mon 10-Feb-14 11:46:41

My husband wouldn't dare do something like that but then I'm the one who buys the power tools in our house lol
My husband will always check first before buying anything and I will run it by him too. There's no need for lies op it's not healthy at all. I would wave the receipt under his nose and remind him he needs to get cracking on the oven and boy it has better look like new!

Funnyfoot Mon 10-Feb-14 11:47:00

I would present him with his dinner with the receipt sat neatly on the top. Sit down and wait for an explanation.

My concern if you let it go would be that he would do it again and again. All the while you are cutting back and not spending money and he is getting non existent bargains for himself.

treas Mon 10-Feb-14 11:51:02

YANBU about your dh's double standard
YABU about hiring someone to clean an oven

mindthegap01 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:53:48

The tool was a sort of handy pen knife with various attachments-pliers, screwdriver etc-he is a total geek when it comes to DIY which I normally find endearing. Sadly this tool is no good for cleaning ovens though!

I texted him to say I was seriously pissed off that he lied to me, especially when the oven clean was a nono. He's sent some very apologetic texts... He's also tried to ring but I don't feel like talking to him at the moment. He's offered to pay to get the oven cleaned but I feel like pointing out that we can't afford it so here's the Mr Muscle-get to it!

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 11:56:21

My interpretation of this is that you have to reduce your spending because your input into the family pot has decreased.

His income hasn't changed therefore he can carry on as normal.

His and hers money in other words instead of a joint family in come.

Is this your first child?

QueenofKelsingra Mon 10-Feb-14 11:56:58

as the OP is going on maternity leave I assume she is pregnant and therefore cant use the oven cleaner products. so YANBU to hire someone to clean the oven.

and you are def NBU about the lies. I would be mad as hell if DH did that. not that he bought himself a gadget, but at the lie. the fact he lied shows he knows he did something he shouldn't have and was trying to hide it. this is not how it should be in an equal relationship.

I would confront him otherwise it sets a precedent for him to keep doing this. you on mat leave and reducing your income is to raise your joint child, it cant just be you that makes financial sacrifice, he needs to as well.

mindthegap01 Mon 10-Feb-14 11:59:32

Yes-first child. We do have a joint a account but my income is only just starting to drop off as I was on full pay for the first few weeks. A serious conversation needs to be had I think!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 10-Feb-14 11:59:54

Remark that he'd better hang onto the receipt in case he needs that item fixing or exchanging. Then without telling him you know how much he paid, hand it to him and as you do so, ask him to clean the oven.

Wanting something for ages isn't a reason to indulge himself in something that he gets most if not sole use of. Lying about it is even worse. I hope that you and he have an agreement about finances during the pregnancy and while you're not drawing a salary.

If you develop a sudden regular fierce craving for strawberries and champagne I don't think he'd have a leg to stand on.

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 12:00:10

quit while you have the upper hand. start again and both if you agree to run purchases over a certain value by each other.

it does take adjusting going from 2 incomes to 1. are you going back to work? if yes that's ok but if no do be careful he doesn't start to control the finances. it has to be all joint.

SamG76 Mon 10-Feb-14 12:01:13

mindthegap - now the point has been made, I think you should accept the apology, and tell him to clean the oven. YABU to hold a grudge, unless he does it again!

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 12:02:50

just going forward make very sure it's not you doing the cutting back because you are in maternity leave! it's both of you in it together.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Feb-14 12:03:01

A serious conversation needs to be had I think

Agreed. The reason I asked if it was your first child is because I can imagine when you return to work he will see the childcare fees as your reponsibility.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 10-Feb-14 12:03:50

Is it both of that should be saving money or just you expected to do it?

I'd be furious too, and expect him to sort out the oven.

I know of plenty of people who have paid to get their oven cleaned, from what I understand it was taken apart, taken to a magic cleaning van and put back together all sparkly clean.

Topseyt Mon 10-Feb-14 12:10:25

Does your husband understand what a pig of a job oven cleaning can be? Especially as you are pregnant.

We have properties which we rent out to other tenants. Some years ago my husband once said that to save us money he would clean the oven in one of them himself, because it really couldn't be that hard. I left him to get on with it, and he never made such a comment again. wink Experience taught him and he now never argues when I say that whilst I will endeavour to keep our own oven clean, I will ALWAYS hire professionals to do the ones in our tenanted properties.

Tell your husband that he is welcome to clean the oven provided that a) he does it before the baby arrives and b) it is absolutely sparkling, and good as new. If he then gets on with it then I would bet you will find him rather sheepish afterwards, and less argument over paying to get it cleaned in future if that is one of your few extras that way.

I'd be annoyed at him lying, but I guess you suspected he had even before you found the receipts. Show him you found them. It might even teach him to clear out his pockets before putting his clothes in the wash.

WilsonFrickett Mon 10-Feb-14 12:10:37

I think you need to use this as an opening to discuss how money will work now you are on mat leave. Either you both need to cut back or neither of you do, iyswim. It may help, for example, for you each to have an amount of 'splurge' money per month that you don't have to justify to the other person - of course this should be equal, and over and above your general spends. So I don't mean that you have £100 per week and have to buy all the baby stuff out of that, I mean you have a joint account which you both use, but if DH wants to go and buy an £80 tool and you want a £60 oven clean that comes out of your 'splurge' pots.

Or there may be another way of doing it. But I do think it has to be discussed. He can't tell you to cut back and not cut back himself - that's not right.

strawberryswing Mon 10-Feb-14 12:12:48

Yanbu. I'd be fuming, although if he has apologised let it go, start a fresh and equal rules about spending apply. (Unless he does it again of coarse)

As an aside, £60 to clean one oven? I'm in the wrong job!

FrenchJunebug Mon 10-Feb-14 12:12:59

£60 to clean an oven!?

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