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Well I do have a child and it is a Tuesday afternoon...

(142 Posts)
BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 08:49:23

A friend invited me to meet her tomorrow afternoon as she is off work.

I was quite happy to get the invite as I haven't seen her in some time. Explained I would (obviously) have DD with me and did she fancy a late lunch?

I got a response saying she would rather just meet for a couple of glasses of wine (it is at 2pm). I have no problem having a glass of wine or 2 with food but it really doesn't sit too comfortably with me to just go a meet to share a bottle of wine. It means taking my DD somewhere strapping her into a highchair and then expect her to sit there for a couple of hours with a colouring book or jigsaw. She 2.5 and to be honest it'll be bloody boring for her.

Have replied saying that it would be a bit boring for DD but I know a place we could get coffee close to where I was going to meeting her, it has a play corner for the kids which means we could catch up (like she wants) and DD can play. Win, win?

No apparently not. She has replied with "forget it".

I get that my friend doesn't have children and her idea of fun isn't going to soft play or going to the local farm so I wouldn't suggest it. AIBU to be pissed that she doesn't recognise that if she wants to meet during the week I will have DD with me and it isn't fair to expect my DD to sit quietly while I tuck into a bottle of wine chatting to my friend.

I am pretty pissed off that she neglects to accept that my life has changed. I can't do the things she wants me to do all the time. If she had sent a text saying "fancy a girly night out" I would have happily arranged for my Mum to babysit one night.

WIBU to just do as she said and "forget it" because I am annoyed or should I really go back and say something like "how about I sort a babysitter for 2-3 weeks time and we go out for a proper catch up?"

Also AIBU to not want to take my DD to the pub? (If I am I still wont change my mind to be honest but would be good to know)

SarahAndFuck Mon 10-Feb-14 20:55:13

What she has done is establish three things.

1. She doesn't care about you or your friendship with her.
2. She doesn't care about your daughter, not as the daughter of her friend or the daughter of her new boyfriend.
3. She doesn't have either your or your daughter's best interests at heart.

What she does have, is an agenda. Either one that she's supporting your ex in or one that she's using to ingratiate herself with him.

Either way, she's no loss to you if you decide to cut her out of your life.

I wouldn't reply to her latest text, although I would be tempted to. Let it go and let her go, because she's going to bring you nothing but trouble if you keep engaging with her.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 21:09:20

I'm definitely not replying. I have zero need or want to justify myself to her.

She clearly didn't hold our friendship in very high regard so I am not going to extend the courtesy of a reply.

Whatnamenext Mon 10-Feb-14 22:25:02

I wonder whether a bit of an eye roll text to say "sorry you feel that way; I wish you all the best" would be a lovely bookmark to the episode. You get to take the high road with a bit of a "there there silly little girl" feel to it. Like I do with my 6yo.

BridgetJonesPants25 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:43:35

I don't know, I really think sometimes silence is the best option. Anything I say now would be fake. I'm seriously passed off with what she said and I don't want to pretend otherwise. To do so would feel like an injustice to myself and would almost be accepting of her attitude... I'm going to leave it for now.

If I hear from her again I'll rethink.

Mia4 Mon 10-Feb-14 22:55:33

I'd stick with silence OP, just make it clear to your friends what a bad attitude she's had. If she does text again then reconsider but for now stay silent, at the very least it will royally piss her off because she'll be wanting a reaction!

PansOnFire Mon 10-Feb-14 23:16:24

Seriously, do not reply. It doesn't matter how tempting it is, do not reply. She's turned venomous towards you and it's clearly because your exH has got to her, making reference to allowing your exH to have access to your DD shows it's an issue at the front of her mind and she's let it come out.

I'm not sure how it works, and I don't want to scare you, but do you think she's doing ground work for him so he can gain access? Encouraging you to take your DD to a pub where you can get drunk in the middle of the day? Leaving her with babysitters while you drink in the middle of the day? It seems like an odd request, even from the most anti-child friendly people. He might be pretending to her that he desperately wants access so that he doesn't look as much if a twat as he clearly is. She might be trying to glean information from you and give him ammunition.

I'm gobsmacked at her text; referring to your DD as plus one and suggesting you don't make time for your friends. I have a very selfish friend who disappeared for a few months because of personal issues. When she came back she expected a welcome party from me, she didn't get one. She'd been MIA just after I'd had my DS, my DH has a chronic illness and then I also became ill with postnatal complications. We were still suffering when she came back, she didn't once ask how we were or if there was anything she could do. She just wanted sympathy, which I did give her but this then became an expectation whenever she was having a bad day/night. I was exhausted and had to stop responding to her before I said something.

I'd just let it go, and if she comes crawling back then I'd continue to ignore her. She doesn't deserve friends, what a cow!

SueDoku Mon 10-Feb-14 23:21:44

This may sound really far-fetched - but you don't think that the two of them may be involved in some kind of plan do you? hmm
There's something not quite right about the whole thing - and I just wondered if she was hoping to manipulate you (HAH...!) into giving your EXH contact - and then step in to play 'Mummy and Daddy' without any of the hassle?
Nah, forget it - I've been on MN too long and read too many 'unbelievable' stories.... confused

SueDoku Mon 10-Feb-14 23:23:04

Two minds with but a single thought Pans......

PansOnFire Mon 10-Feb-14 23:30:28

I'm glad you thought that too Sue

But you managed it in fewer words than me!

I'm quite a paranoid cautious person when it comes to trusting other people but the 'friend's' blatant disregard of the consequential damage to their friendship worries me, it's like she knows they won't be friends much longer anyway so she's using her for a specific reason. Otherwise, wouldn't she just stop contacting her? She's blaming her which smacks of guilt.

JollyGolightly Tue 11-Feb-14 07:47:18


Eatriskier Tue 11-Feb-14 08:23:17

So she is insistent you meet in a pub and a coffee shop isn't good enough. She appears to be dating your exh. Exh is an abusive alcoholic. When you won't meet in pub she sends you abuse including telling you to let exh see kid. Anyone else get the feeling this wasn't a meet up at all but more of an ambush? I suspect exh was probably going to randomly show up for some unscheduled contact.

Eatriskier Tue 11-Feb-14 08:25:34

And I suspect she would have been cooing things like 'oh look how good he's being, maybe you should rethink contact ' etcetc

BridgetJonesPants25 Tue 11-Feb-14 08:26:59

I read both your comments last night but decided to sleep on it before replying.

I think there is definitely something amiss but I doubt very much it is to do with contact. My ExH has made it perfectly clear he has no interest in being a father to my DD. Even last year when the offer of trying to build a relationship was extended yet again. My "friend" also doesn't appear to like children very much so I can't see why she would want contact with my daughter.

I do wonder though if it could be a way to try and discredit me as a Mum. Making me look bad to justify their own actions? I doubt I'll ever really know exactly what has happened the last 2 days as I am not lowering myself to ask and I doubt the information will be forthcoming.

One thing I do know. I will fight tooth and nail for my daughter to have the right upbringing surrounded by family that love her. If anyone ever tried to use my daughter to get to me I would fight them tooth and nail. If this is their intention I hope they are ready for a fight because nothing will ever make me back down from the decisions I've made. I'm not perfect but I know in my heart and my head that everything I have done I have done for my little girl and I'll be damned if two poor excuses of humanity will have any impact on either of our lives ever again.

Thanks so much for your replies. It has definitely helped to vent here in an anonymous place. I can give the illusion of being above their petty games whilst slating them to high heaven grin

BakerStreetSaxRift Tue 11-Feb-14 08:32:40

And the whole weird text and self-centredness falls into place.

They deserve each other, don't be drawn into it. She probably knows deep down she is doing the wrong thing and that is why she is so twitchy.

Topaz25 Tue 11-Feb-14 09:01:58

It does sound like there could be something going on with them. I think you are doing the right thing by rising above it and ignoring her texts. I would keep the texts as evidence of her feelings about your DD if her or your ex ever do want contact.

BridgetJonesPants25 Tue 11-Feb-14 09:04:06

I have all of my ExH texts from the day we split up (over 2 years worth) and will now keep her's too.

None of it makes sense very confused

SlimJiminy Tue 11-Feb-14 12:30:19

What a nightmare. I'm not sure if there's a plan as such, but she has definitely been fed exH's side of the story and is giving herself some kind of justification for being with him: "his ex was a total bitch" "his ex ditched all her friends" "his ex never let him do XYZ" "his ex took his daughter away" - you know he wants nothing to do with DD, but maybe she needs to believe it's all YOUR fault. If she's fallen for him... if she's thinking about having her own kids, etc... she NEEDS to believe that all of his faults are down to YOU. There's not much you can do about that, except take the moral high ground and walk away from the pair of them.

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