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Feel like I have offended my MIL

(40 Posts)
bengal38 Sun 09-Feb-14 23:40:19

MIL always has asks if I have everything ready for work and if kids/uniforms are ready for school. I have up to now in a nice way been saying to her yes.

Tonight when she rang and asked the same thing I asked her why she always asks me the same question every week. I admit I was abit abrupt when I spoke back to her. She seemed to take offence and said she was just making conversation. Then she said ok and put the phone down on me.

Was I wrong to answer her back the way I did?

remotecontrols Mon 10-Feb-14 17:50:24

I think you should say I don't know, DH is doing it grin

MimiSunshine Mon 10-Feb-14 13:38:23

My mum did this, i haven't lived at home for over 10 years. Managed to get up, dressed and out in all that time (and before) but would still ask me (usually on a Sunday night) if i had sorted out my clothes for work.
It used to bug me and i felt like i had to justify why i hadn't (its not difficult to pick out a suit dress and jacket in the morning).
In the end i just started to say no and see if she asked why not, usually just said 'Oh'.

I think its partly conversation and partly not being able to kick the parental tick list. When i called her last night after 8pm to say hi and mentioned that i was about to go out for a drink with a friend i could practically hear her thoughts of "on a Sunday, are you ready for work?" down the phone, but thankfully she has seemed to learn that its not for her to comment on

ScarlettMantleplume Mon 10-Feb-14 13:34:48

I did a double take when I read this and checked the date twice. Not just me then!

Littleen Mon 10-Feb-14 13:31:39

My gran used to do that to everyone, and still is. (She still nags me to put more clothes on) - and I reckon she will do when my baby arrives. Now my gran does it because she's a very controlling lady, and does not respect others, but in your case it sounds more like a form of "how are you? What's up with the kids?" kind of question smile Annoying, I'm sure, but harmless. I think you owe her a little apology, and just bear with her smile

Minnieisthedevilmouse Mon 10-Feb-14 12:31:18

I think it's like talking about the weather, innocuous and trivial but at least she's trying to chat.

You on the other hand snapped and now look stupid.

bodygoingsouth Mon 10-Feb-14 12:26:30

bloody hell there's a lot of overthinking about a casual remark in a phone call.

op she's probably as bored as you are with your conversations. let your dh take the call.

Pigeonhouse Mon 10-Feb-14 12:21:16

I think what would piss me off (and which is possibly pissing the OP off?) is the presumption that getting the children ready for school and washing and ironing their uniforms was somehow their mother's responsibility. (I'm assuming that if there's a MiL in the scenario, presumably the OP has a husband, and she's mentioned that she herself has a job, so it seems a bit 1950s to imagine it's her DiL's sole responsibility to bustle around making sure everyone is ready for the week, rather than it being shared...?

In my MiL's case, that kind of repeated question would be intended to suggest that I should be doing whatever it is she is asking about, because she thinks my husband does far too much of the cooking and housework. She discounts the fact that I have a demanding full-time job and both of us muck in with our toddler and cooking, while doing as little housework as can be got away with...

I don't mind her thinking it, tbh, but it strikes me as quite strange that after all these years, she still obviously wishes I was an entirely different kind of woman, deferential, domestic and 'bubbly', keen on football, with four strapping sons whose football kit I am continually washing...

(Gosh, that got long... grin)

SnookyPooky Mon 10-Feb-14 11:26:00

I remember this being posted last year too.
I don't speak to my MIL, I leave it to DH.

Morgause Mon 10-Feb-14 09:49:58

YWBU and rude. The poor woman was only making conversation.

LoonvanBoon Mon 10-Feb-14 09:47:32

I think whether you were being unreasonable / rude really depends on how / why your MIL asks these questions - & it's totally impossible for a stranger to gauge that from the info. in your post.

Your MIL may indeed just be making conversation & be the kind of person who asks trivial questions / happily discusses mundane day-to-day matters with everybody. In that case, you were being a bit snappy.

OTOH this kind of question could be an implicit criticism or suggestion that you're disorganized / need help from your MIL to get yourself sorted for the coming week. Only you know if that's the way she generally is. If so, you're probably NBU & if your abrupt response stops her asking the same question next week, then that's a good result, isn't it?

She also sounds childish for putting the 'phone down on you. She could easily have said: " I was just making conversation" or "There's no need to snap" if she felt offended. Hanging up on you seems very OTT in the circumstances.

Whatever the scenario, I can't help wondering why you need to talk to your MIL on the 'phone quite so often, as she obviously irritates you. Doesn't your DH /DP talk to his own mother? Can't you cut down on the number of ''phone calls?

If you don't want to have this kind of relationship with your MIL, then start distancing yourself a bit & stop being responsible for all the communication. Much better that way than everyone getting on each other's nerves.

rumbleinthrjungle Mon 10-Feb-14 09:43:21

My DM is like this. "What are you eating?" "Where are you going?" and if in the house, "What are you cooking?" and if a parcel arrives, "What's that?"

The one time I did actually with a parcel say in exasperation, "Mum you really don't want to know!" (and she didn't! blush) she was quite taken aback, and I realised the questions are mostly reflexive and habitual script for her rather than the interrogation it sounds like. Still sometimes feels like interrogation.

There's nothing wrong with her children's ages. You need to pay attention to the dates and the fact that their birthdays are at the end of the year, if you're going to stalk someone's previous posts.

Also, so what if her MIL is annoying her in the same way one year on? I know mine is.

Topaz25 Mon 10-Feb-14 01:25:41

Oops I didn't RTFT. Could it be some kind of technical problem?

MsMarvel Mon 10-Feb-14 01:16:08

I never know whether bizarre stuff like this is the sort of thing you should report, or just back away slowly and pretend you never saw anything...? hmm

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 01:13:31

All a bit bizzare blush

Topaz25 Mon 10-Feb-14 01:09:31

She probably was just making conversation but I can see how asking every week would get on your nerves, as if she is checking up on you or reminding you like you might forget. Apologise for being short with her this time and next time just change the subject or make a joke out of it.

DaleyBump Mon 10-Feb-14 01:09:18

That is incredibly weird. It seems your children have stayed the same age for two years.

CoffeeTea103 Mon 10-Feb-14 00:58:41

You asked this exact question last year this time. Very weirdhmm

MsMarvel Mon 10-Feb-14 00:57:18

I know it's not really relevant to the thread, but crickey, you don't have post a lot about dramas in your life.

Had a wee look through previous posts and for the first time ever from doing that, I got totally bogged down with the. Repetition of the same dramas repeating and replaying over and over again!

CotedePablo Mon 10-Feb-14 00:52:16

The poor woman's just making conversation. And you were terribly rude. She deserves an apology.

AwfulMaureen Mon 10-Feb-14 00:47:47

OP my Mum asks me things like that all the time. "What are you having for dinner?" "Have you ironed the uniforms?" it's boring but it's not a's a specifically working class way of communicating.

Comes from the time when finding dinner was a struggle and preparing uniforms and clothes in general was a struggle due to things being threadbare.

I can't bring myself to tell my mum "The uniforms are made of tefal and so don't need ironing..." I just say "Yes..all done....what are you watching on telly tonight?"

perplexedpirate Mon 10-Feb-14 00:41:53

My mil does this constantly. She thinks we are shit parents and she has to check up on everything we do.
It is wearing and neither if us have much to do with her if we can help it.
Could you be 'out' when she calls?

BillyBanter Mon 10-Feb-14 00:24:47

It just sounds like a set conversation piece/filler. Like saying 'blah, sunday night, eh? All ready for the week ahead again?' Most of our weeks are much the same as other weeks and there are few unique conversational topics.

Unless she tends to be a bit critical or suspects you're a bit hopeless and disorganised, it's probably worth calling her tomorrow to say sorry and explain.

JohnCusacksWife Mon 10-Feb-14 00:21:29

She sounds like my MIL who can think of absolutely nothing to say to me that doesn't involve laundry, housework and how the children are getting on at school. She means well but we're v different people and she just doesn't know what to say to me. She's probably just trying to make conversation but I don't think you need to apologise for getting shirty with her. It gets v frustrating listening to the same old thing every time.....

Only1scoop Mon 10-Feb-14 00:21:12

Sort it out.... or you'll be back next year asking the same again....confused

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