To be exasperated at DH?(9 Posts)
I probably am BU and mean but here goes...
Due to teething 1 year old neither of us is getting much sleep. DH does a lot with DS on his days off (usually as much or more than I do), works long hours on his working days and is generally a great hands on dad.
We are both quite exhausted at the moment with no support or relief from family/friends to speak of but we get by. I do a few exercise classes which help to keep me sane.
Anyway DH says he's angry and depressed because he really needs a break and I completely sympathise and agree - but he won't bloody take one!
I have to spoon feed him ideas to go out and give him explicit permission - I think in the past year he's arranged maybe 1 or 2 nights out himself. Last weekend after a LOT of persuading he took a few hours out of the house in the day to do some exercise.
I've got a virus at the moment so am not on good form myself but he was really annoyed and tired so earlier today I suggested he go out for an hour or two and I'd be fine with DS. He refused saying he'd feel guilty and that also an hour or two wasn't a proper break so what was the point. He's not stopped all day, cleaning, sorting and looking after a particularly high-maintenance DS most of it too.
I really feel for him and am grateful for all he does but am exasperated that he won't help himself. His negativity is getting me down, I feel like a nag constantly saying "why don't you do X?" and I'm really starting to lose my patience with it. I've ended up having a bit of a go at him about it.
AIBU to be exasperated and think he's being a bit martyrish (and what can I do to make it better??)? Or am I being a mean ungrateful unsupportive bitch?
Tell him you understand and are very lucky to be with a man who wants to be so hands on as a parent, but that his attitude is getting you down. You want him to go and get time to himself because you want time to yourself guilt free and his attitude means you can't.
Can you take DS out of the house? I always want a break in my own home, with my stuff
and tea so I take DD out if DH needs a break.
Sounds really frustrating, but at the same time, at least it is a 'good' thing to be frustrated about IYSWIM?
Perhaps try some different strategies re the time out? EG get him to sign up to a class/team/regular man-date so there is a fixed thing each week that he does 'for himself', gym membership near work, if this is affordable, so he could work this into his day somehow (before/after/during lunch)?
With the constant rushing about, can you afford a cleaner? This might help if you can. Also maybe prioritise things together? Me and DH will chat at breakfast about what we want to achieve in the day, and usually have 1 thing to complete if it's a normal working day (eg unload washing machine and hang out clothes), or three things on the weekend (grocery shopping, mow grass, hoover) - this is generally enough to keep the house ticking over, and means that we actually stop and have some 'fun' time in the day - I am a perfectionist, so could carry on for hours and not be satisfied, whereas DH is more laid back and would do less, so this sort of evens it out and makes sure we are both contributing to the house but also have time to relax. Try not to achieve too much - if you are clean, fed and the house isn't going mouldy, that is good enough!
Oh god. I know exactly what you are feeling. Used to be a big issue with dh too. He's be all Wingty about not getting a break, even running, but wouldn't actually make any effort. Classic example, he'd have a complete melt down on a Sunday because he hadn't gone running all weekend. And is be sitting there saying, "it's not my job to remember you want to go running. Tell me and then we can make a plan!"
Took me losing my temper a few times and basically telling him to grow up, but it's much better now. And to be honest, I wasn't as bad as him but I've also got better about saying, "I'd like to get out for a bit today"
Tell hi if he needs a break to discuss it with you and you can come up with a solution together
I disagree with the other posters who are giving you advice to help him get a break. He must step up and say what he wants and make a suggestion. Otherwise you are constantly worrying if he's had enough or is getting enough downtime. He must manage it himself. Your job is to be supportive when he tells you he wants to do x or y.
Maybe the break he needs is not out of the house? So all the suggestions of doing something away from the home aren't giving him the break he needs.
Maybe suggest you taking DS out for a decent amount of time, so he has some time to himself at home - is he an Introvert?
Yes I could take DS out and probably should more often but wasn't up to it today due to being ill. But I also want him to go out and do stuff.
Joysmum that's a good idea re: saying it makes me feel guilty! (Which it does... I might refuse to go out or take a break myself until he does ;) )
Let him have a break at home, whilst you take the kids out It's a start atleast, sometimes you need a break (at home) to gather the energy to even consider having a break out of the house!
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