I know IABU. Hate myself at the moment.

[tryingreallytrying]

My dd (14) is driving me up the effing wall. Find myself shouting at her. Don't want to. Just had huge row as she is SO RUDE. Have been trying to ignore it, let it wash over, be polite back the last few days, but just snapped and was horrible back.

Not good at being saintly.

Very upset. Wish I could manage this parenting lark calmly. Have 2 other dcs but they don't drive me up the wall.

Know I was wrong and should be the grown-up no matter how grim she is but so hard.

[Mintyy]

It is really really really hard to know what to do when faced with awful behaviour from teenagers. You know you didn't bring them up to speak to people like that, so why the hell are they doing it? You love that snarling, snippy hard-to-be-with young so and so with all your heart, and it is painful that they appear not to reciprocate. You need to pick your battles but that means sometimes not picking them up on shocking behaviour that you really wouldn't tolerate from anyone else.

I have no real advice for you except to give yourself a break. It won't do any harm if your teen sees that her behaviour makes you angry.

[GemmaPomPom]

I have an 8 year old DS the same. Just so rude. And such a bloody drama queen. He is driving me mad at the mo. Sorry, didn't mean to hijack...

[QOD]

He he just as I read this my 15 yr old dd flounced out of the room and slammed the door as there's NOTHING TO do

She currently hates dh with a passion and hates him living in the same house, breathing, moving you know, generally everything and is such a f'ing bitch to him for no reason. Exactly how she was with me up to about 6 months ago ain't karma a bitch dh

[MoominMammasHandbag]

I don't think it's a bad thing to be angry if they are rude. I've got pretty low tolerance levels for rudeness, consequently my kids are rarely rude to me. If they are, then they are grounded, or lose pocket money or screen time. I won't be treated with less respect than they would give to someone like their teacher.

[tryingreallytrying]

Oh, dd has recently started behaving disrespectfully to teachers also.

Great.

On the positive front, at least it means I needn't take it personally.

I really don't like arsiness as a personality characteristic.

[MoominMammasHandbag]

Ah, see mine always saved their worst behaviour for home. You have my sympathies Trying, it must be tough if it's occurring in a situation where you have no control.

[cricketpitch]

I know what you mean. I have lost it with DS and hate myself for it.

Try to accept though that no-one is perfect and that it won't do her any harm to see that people can, and do, react when she pushes too far. My DS is lucky it is me - one day someone will punch him if he goes too far, (not family...), and learning to recognize the "tipping point" is not a bed lesson.

Otherwise the advice from other posters is good. I'll try to take it myself. It will pass though... ( so I'm told!)

[AgentZigzag]

You're doing fine, you're not in prison for strangling her doing anything drastic, that's a massive plus

It's a phase...it's a phase...it's a phase...

Just project yourself into the future when you can all heartily laugh about what a pain she was

[ladyquinoa]

Can you get to the route if things? What's she unhappy about?

[tryingreallytrying]

AgentZigzag - can't imagine that... Dd doesn't do laughing at herself. And if we laugh at her, she is definitely Not Amused!

Ds now acting up too - but he is only little, so it is quite cute and doesn't annoy me at all, 99% of the time.

[tryingreallytrying]

ladyquinoa - think dd is really quite unhappy atm, for various reasons. But getting her to open up and talk about it is like getting blood out of a stone. Know she feels we prefer dd2 (who, it is true, is much "easier") and that we are hassling her. (Would like to never be told to do anything and never interact with any member of her family at all.) But yes, I dare to try to interact/ask her to do chores/homework/not be rude/eat something other than chocolate spread sandwiches. Which obviously makes me The Enemy.

[teenagetantrums]

Sounds like my DD at 15, I tried to just ignore it, but its hard, we had some real screaming matchs, wont do them any harm to realise that parent have feelings as well. On the bright side she is 17 now and 99% of the time is a joy to be around. Was a shock when she started acting like a teenager she has an older brother who never once slammed a door or shouted at me.

[Honeysweet]

Ask everyone to tell her that they love her from time to time.
She may not want to hear it, but she will like it, and remember it.

[tryingreallytrying]

True, honeysweet.

[AgentZigzag]

'Ask everyone to tell her that they love her from time to time.'

Or post it across her social media profile if you want to really punish her/get revenge

I threaten my DD with that, works wonders, even though she knows I'd never embarrass myself like that let alone her

[LaurieFairyCake]

I'm in the bath.

I spend a lot of weekends in the bath. Dh brings me wine and occasionally dinner.

He is fantastic at ignoring pathological rudeness. He occasionally comes in and says 'I think she was trying to be rude to me but I just asked her if she hoping for a lift anytime in the next week and turned the rugby up '

[tryingreallytrying]

Like that one. Wouldn't work for me (the relaxing in the bath out of harm's way bit) as I'm trying to work in my room so quite stressed/busy, feeling ill. Don't need rude dcs!

[AgentZigzag]

You're husband is a kind, wise and sensible man Laurie, y'lucky bleeder

I'd spend more time in the bath if I could lever DD1 out of it

[BitOutOfPractice]

OP if it's any consolation I could have written your OP myself word for word. Sat here crying after stupid row with 14yo DD

In my case it's her "cut your nose off to spite your face" attitude. She's just announced that she would rather miss a family holiday to Tenerife next week if it means missing some stupid friend's party on Saturday night. So I've very childishly told her that's fine. She can stay at her dad's for the week while we go and slammed a door. Could kick myself

[YouTheCat]

Trying, it really is a phase. My dd can have her moments still (she is 19).

I asked her to close the door after her yesterday (massive draft if she doesn't), cue much huffing and puffing from her. But she came back 2 minutes later and apologised. It was no big deal. A year ago the door would have been slammed and there would have been bad moods etc.

[EmmaBemma]

Can someone tell me why it's wrong to react to rudeness? My children aren't teenagers yet, granted, but I have no problems telling them when they've been obnoxious and I don't really understand why I shouldn't.

[tryingreallytrying]

:( BitOutOfPractice.

I hate that - you're cross, you've had enough, you snap back - you wish you could take it back but you can't.

I'd love to believe it gets better... But yes, my dd thinks in a purely reactive way not active ie not wanting to do x because that's what she's been asked/told to do; instead of thinking what she would like to do, or why doing x might actually be helpful for her. She can take no received wisdom at all - everything has to be learnt through her own mistakes. Had to piss her off this week by pointing out that the 'career' sh's recenty decided she wants to do (and was going to base her GCSE choices on) is not actually a career at all and average wages are 5,000 dollars per year! But she didn't thank me for pointing this out! But I can't actually let her choose GCSEs on the basis of a non-job. Aaagh.

[YouTheCat]

No idea that it is wrong to react to rudeness. I do at school with the kids I work with and I do at home.

[BitOutOfPractice]

There's nothing wrong with reacting. It's the way you react that matters. Reacting back in kind and having a blazing row is not the productive way forward is it?