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27 Year old Sister moving in with 17 year old. AIBU

(81 Posts)
ChaoticMum80 Sun 09-Feb-14 13:20:45

My sister met a guy at work 3 months ago, she's 27, he's 17. shock She says he's mature for his age and it's just a fling as he's going to uni this September and moving to the other end of the country so it will just be a bit of fun and naturally come to an end.

Except it's not. Things have moved really quickly and she says he's different to her previous partners and knows this is special. Last month she told him how she felt and he said he felt the same (although she is his first partner). He's moving to London in September and they've agreed to move in together after his first year of uni! (She would move from Leeds to London).

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I know she's only 27 but she doesn't have time to wait for him to grow up. He's an attractive guy for his age with money saved and a part time job set up for when he moves so I'm sure plenty of girls will be interested at uni. Has anybody had an experience with something like this and do you have any advice? What kind of issues have you encountered with such an age gap?

I'm really worried she will get hurt! sad

hellsbells99 Sun 09-Feb-14 13:25:24

I wouldn't worry too much as it is very likely to fizzle out during his 1st year at uni. That would probably be the case even without the age gap.

softlysoftly Sun 09-Feb-14 13:26:06

I'd be more worried about him, at 17 i'd be worried if I was his parents!

SantanaLopez Sun 09-Feb-14 13:27:29

Doesn't sound good, but keep your nose out. You won't be able to change her mind.

gamerchick Sun 09-Feb-14 13:33:15

it'll probably fizzle out on it's own.. I really wouldn't worry about it.

MomentForLife Sun 09-Feb-14 13:33:25

I once lived with a 26 yo woman who started a relationship with a 17 yo. I was 19 at the time and found it a but creepy as he just looked like a boy still and behaved like one too.

No advice but you can't do much. You might find they get bored of each other way before he goes to Uni.

specialsubject Sun 09-Feb-14 13:34:07

she probably will get hurt. That's life. Main issue is to protect herself financially, if she signs a six month lease with this chap and they then split up, it won't be fun because relationship breakdown isn't a reason to end a rental contract.

Doasbedoneby Sun 09-Feb-14 13:34:28


DonnaDishwater Sun 09-Feb-14 13:34:35

Is she immature for her age? It'd be very wrong IMO if it was a 27 year old guy with a 17 year old girl, even though technically legal. Age of consent should be 18 IMO with a caveat of +/- 2 years for 14-17 year olds.

mrssmith79 Sun 09-Feb-14 13:36:47

A lot can happen in a year. Chances are it'll run its course, just make sure you're there for her when it does.

teenagetantrums Sun 09-Feb-14 13:38:04

He will go off to uni and it will end, cant imagine him sitting in while all his friends are out partying. Where are his parents in all of this, I have a 19 yr old going to uni in September and would not be happy if he was dating a 27 year old, would be even more unhappy if was my 17yr old Dd and a 27yr old man.

WilsonFrickett Sun 09-Feb-14 13:38:08

I think it's a bit ick tbh, but also think it will fizzle out once he gets to uni.

Actually I think it's more than ick, I think it's an inappropriate age gap (and I speak as someone who was in a relationship with a longer age gap when I was 17). But it isn't illegal so I suppose there's nothing that can be done about it but to wait for it to fizzle out and run its course.

WitchWay Sun 09-Feb-14 13:41:00

It will fizzle out & he'll spend his uni career being sexually unsatisfied by women his own age. They however will think he's great in bed, if a little scary.

EndOfRopesville Sun 09-Feb-14 13:41:57

They're being quite sensible in not moving in till after his first year at uni. Chances are it won't get that far, but if it does maybe it will last, it's not morally wrong, just a bit strange.

BridgetJonesPants25 Sun 09-Feb-14 13:47:49

I have double standards. If the ages were the other way round I wouldn't bat an eyelid but I do when a woman is the older one (only when the male is still very young).

I don't know why I do this, I've always gone for older men.

Truthfully, I think it's best to leave them to it. If it's not going to work it'll fizzle out in it's own time.

CoffeeTea103 Sun 09-Feb-14 13:51:20

I always wonder about people who date with this sort of age gap. confused

IdaClair Sun 09-Feb-14 13:53:14

Same age gap as my two friends, with him the younger. They've been together 14 years now, married for 10 and have two children. Lovely couple.

nessus Sun 09-Feb-14 13:56:03

It will fizzle out & he'll spend his uni career being sexually unsatisfied by women his own age. They however will think he's great in bed, if a little scary.

MNHQ, can I have this as my 'signature' purdy please?

NotSoWitty Sun 09-Feb-14 13:56:55

I was 20 when I started dating a 32 year old, I was still in university too 9 years later we are married with 2 son's. I would keep out of it if I were you.

DonnaDishwater Sun 09-Feb-14 13:59:43

20 is significantly older than 17 in practical terms. 17 years old is still a child.

Thetallesttower Sun 09-Feb-14 14:12:26

I never get the discussions on MN about this- why is 17 a 'child' and 20 an adult? The age of consent is 16, many countries have it lower and lots of stats and threads on MN reveal lots of people have consensual sex below that age. Criminalizing large swathes of the population isn't a good idea here as elsewhere (I don't support it being lowered, I just don't like the idea of trying to make it higher for age gaps- why?)

I also don't get why age gaps are either surprising or creepy once past the age of consent (unless there is a significant power differential like boss/employee , teacher/pupil and that is being abused). Of course young inexperienced people like older people in their twenties, they seem cooler, more experienced - why should you have to fumble about age 17 with another 17 year old? If you are mature enough to have sex and society deems you able to consent- that's the end to the matter as far as I am concerned. At uni, we all went out with the older postgrads, far more attractive than boys our own age!

I know lots of age gap relationships in real life, including a teacher/pupil one from 18/38 which has lasted 20 years and is extremely happy. Many of my friends are in age gap relationships/marriages, they seem to work pretty well (younger men as well as younger women. I just don't get why any age gap is seen as sinister if there's no hint of abuse/power issue and when both are over the age of consent by a year at least.

NewtRipley Sun 09-Feb-14 14:14:16

Life involves getting hurt.

I agree it's likely to fizzle out and i would possibly think it ridiculous too if it were my sister, but there is nothing you can do.

It isn't the age gap per se, it'sthe experience and life stage gap that's the possible issue here.

MeMySonAndI Sun 09-Feb-14 14:15:24

I worry about the boy not your sister, she is in a perfect position to derail his university plans/career plans.

Catsmamma Sun 09-Feb-14 14:16:59

can you imagine??....she will visit him at uni and someone will say "hey your mum is well young"

<<unkind>> ...but funny.

paxtecum Sun 09-Feb-14 14:17:50

OP: It's unlikely that she would take your advice.

We all learn by our mistakes.

Maybe it isn't a mistake though!

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