Who is right? DH or me?(5 Posts)
To make a long story short, my DH and I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children under the age of 6. We met in 'the city' (not going to say which city) about 14 years ago, before we got married obviously. It was always my plan, and I thought I made this very clear that, we would move out of the city, esp when/if we had children so I could move down to the country (place I grew up) as a. houses are cheaper, b. will have a better support network quality of life, c. i have an option to build a house on my father's land as he is a farmer etc. I have loads of family there - very supportive parents and sisters with lots of nieces and nephews, which my children adore playing with. I also have a lot of friends there and my husband gets on very well with brother in laws, etc. DH always said he'd move it a job came up, etc. However, I think he'd find it claustrophobic and says things like 'you wouldn't really be happy living so near your family'
It became a more immediate issues when first DC started school. She started her first year in a school last year, but as I was very unsettled about our future plans/where to live, DH could not get work in place I'm from (or in my opinion, did not take a few jobs that were suitable as he wanted to stay in his well-paid job and IMO is very ambitious at work and values a well-paid job over quality of life. We still live in a rented house as the city it so expensive although have a great chance to buy our own place in the country near my family). So we decided to live a bit out of the city (compromise) and DD started in a new school. Took her awhile to get used to it (felt guilty about this) but she loves her new school, although is finding it a bit hard to make friends, etc. I'm not imagining this and playing it to my advantage, but she loves being around her cousins and seems more relaxed and is always sad leaving after a weekend when we visiting home.
Things are very tense in the house. My DH's sister is moving to be near us here (IN OUR RENTED HOUSE!!) and he is delighted that we'll have a 'network'. I get on well with his sisters, etc but I really, really miss the easy company and support of my own family/sisters. Esp when children are sick - we have no back up, or I feel I can't ask. TBH, I feel heartbroken and lost. I feel i'm living his life and not mine. I feel I don't have a sense of myself any more.
I'm making a huger effort for DD for make friends in school., doing play dates,. etc, but in my heart, I don't feel a sense of permanency about where we're living as we're renting, don't know neighbors. I've lots of friends through work and from my college days here but it's not the same as having family support when you have children,
I feel very insecure financially too.
To top it all, his parents have retired and moved very near my own and it would be so lovely to have both grandparents near. For the children.
I'm not saying I want to rely on them as I never ask for help in case I need them, but just for the children's memories,etc. My father is getting older and I miss not being around my folks.
DH seems happy working long hours in a stressful job, while I have to carve out a network and community, while he comes home to watch breaking bad and drink beer and then gives out to me for being a 'moan' and that 'he's working hard', etc, etc. I resent his values. I don't care about the big salary. What does it all mean if you can't be near family, etc?! I know this sounds like a gender issue, but I don't think it matters as much for men as it does for women to be near the support of their mother/sisters.
I miss bringing kids up in the country, farming, country walks, roughing it outdoors with their cousins. Instead, we live in a shoebox in a rented house, with a tiny garden and watch tv on wet days. of course it's nice being near gigs, nice restaurants (as DH says) but these things don' really matter to children under the age of 6!
It has always been a source of tension between me and DH but now it's come to a head. I feel I resent him hugely. I feel bad for doing this but I've tried to make it work.
I just feel miserable. The kids feel it too.
Have I lost all perspective?? Am I a moaner/control freak? Will I just make the best of it?
Am sorry as others have bigger problems and work/housing situations but I feel very much at a loss as what to do.
Thanks for listening as long story was not as short as I intended. x
I feel so sorry for you, only thing i can say is that you need to turn off the tv and talk and tell him exactly how you feel. Is therr anyway of you buying a home near family and your dh having a bolt hole in the city?
I would just be very careful to move dds school again, nit always easy being the new girl!
It strikes me that you need a bigger network for yourself too,do you have many 'mummy' friends?
I can understand why you want to be nearer your family, however, many, many people manage without that support. It sounds like you and your DH have got very different views on this. I can also understand why your DH doesn't want to give up his good job. Have you been banking on this move for some time and now feel cheated? Your DH may feel 'we are each other's family, so why do we have to move closer to DW's parents?' TBH I'd be a bit irritated in his position - that's not to say I don't sympathise with your feelings too.
How realisitic is it that he could get a similar job nearer to your family, OP? If you are expecting him to go from a job he has experience and skill in, to a low paid unskilled one, then YABU.
On the other hand, I do understand your not being able to settle in a certain place. It is especially lonely with young children for some reason; I've been there. Should you blame it on your DH? Why don't you know the neighbours? Have you had a clear dialogue regarding yours and his expectations early on in the relationship? If so, did you get his agreement? Your extended family life sounds lovely, but as an outsider, I can also see why he wouldn't want to live in your family's pocket, building a house on your parents' land, for example.
Why has it always been a huge source of tension? Did you really expect to disagree, in theory, early on in the relationship, then it all come good when you married and had children? I don't understand why you would feel financially insecure either. Please tell me you have access to the money he earns as an equal?
Strikes me he can live with you and pay for everything and live in the country.
He can pay for everything, he lived in the city and none of his family does.
I like a) personally.
It's time for The Talk. Compromise is fine, but pre work out what's a game ender.
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