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to have expected my parents to buy me a house? Long and boring sorry!

(220 Posts)
JealousAndUnreasonable Sat 08-Feb-14 18:26:43

Well not 'a' house, my house! Three years ago DH, I and our 3 DCs moved abroad to start a new life after DH was made redundant here. We sold our house and had enough equity for two year's rent and to buy furniture and a car as it was too expensive to take our stuff with us.

DH was on a work visa (went over and got a job before we went) and the plan was after two years we would apply for permanent residence and get a mortgage at which point I could work as well.

Anyway in brief, the house we found to rent was no longer available when we got out there as out paperwork took longer to go through than anticipated (we used a relocation agency which cost £££'s). When we got over there, DH had to start his job straight away and we just could not find another house to rent as there was literally nothing available in our price range except for a house literally right next to a lake which was not ideal for our 2 and 3 year olds!

We met a mortgage broker by chance one day who told us he could get us a mortgage which was something we had not considered as we were not permanent residents. After 4 weeks in a hotel room with 3 DC who were driving me nuts and no school for the eldest as we had no permanent address, we jumped at the chance and put most of our money down on a beautiful family house, mortgage was very affordable on the basis that DH would get paid his contracted salary and it was an upcoming area which the agent assured us would mean the house prices would rise quickly. All good up to now!

Two months later DH's car skidded on ice (very cold winter), he was lucky to be alive but had to take 4 months off work with his injuries with no sick pay as he did not qualify! I could not work due to our visas either. Not eligible for any benefits at all. We were literally living on credit cards and cereal (not the DCs). When DH went back to work, his employers changed his job so his pay was less and as he had no legal protection (not a citizen, new employee) we were buggered. Immediately we put the house on the market as we realised we were not going to cope financially and at least we could take the equity and just rent anything, even a cheap apartment.

House would not sell even when we lowered the price to below what we'd paid for it. The reason being that the government started a scheme to encourage people to build their own houses by releasing cheap land which was much cheaper than buying one that had already been built. I was basically phoning every mortgage company begging them to give us a bigger mortgage so we could release equity that way but again was refused due to residency and DH's lower wage. He could not change jobs due to his visa or take an extra job. We were completely trapped.

I did something I had never done before which was to ask my mother and stepfather for help. They had sold their house some years before and had the money from that in a savings account as they were living abroad in a house provided by my stepdad's job. They were planning on buying a house again in a few years but did not need that money at that time. Knowing this, I asked my mother if they would consider buying our house from us so we could release the equity to top up DH's wage until we were eligible for permanent residence and he could get a better job and so I could work. We would pay them rent (more than the interest they were getting from the bank account) and they would then either sell the house back to us taking any increase in value for themselves or we would try and sell it again giving them the increase in value. We would have got a solicitor to draw it up legally etc. I was not interested in taking money from them, just in salvaging the mess we were in.

They said NO. It was our problem to sort out. We continued for another 6 months hoping to sell, getting further behind with the mortgage, stress causing me panic attacks and eventually handed the house keys to the mortgage company and flew home using credit which we still have not paid off. The bank sold our house a few months later and we got a total of £4k back from a £50k investment (same house is now on the market for $100k than we bought it for!). We have no hope of ever raising enough money for a deposit to buy another house here as we are paying over £1k in rent!

My mother has recently told me that she has bailed my younger sister out to the tune of over £70k in paying off her debts, paying her rent, paying her DCs nursery fees and buying clothes and furniture for her. Sister has split up with the father of her DCs (although he still pays for them and has them on weekends) and she needed their help more than us apparently. She not bothered that my DCs were made homeless and we had to come back to the UK and lose everything.

AIBU to be furious about this?

expatinscotland Sat 08-Feb-14 18:30:07

So you wanted her to buy your worthless house? That's throwing thousands more down the drain.

MothratheMighty Sat 08-Feb-14 18:33:41

Did they not want you to leave the country, and felt as if you were turning your back on them?
YWNBU to hope they'd bail you out, but YWBU to expect it. What about your inlaws?

supadupapupascupa Sat 08-Feb-14 18:33:47

YABU. Although unfortunate you should never expect anyone else to sort out your own mess. It's up to your parents what they spend their money on and they had to make a call. If they had helped you then they presumably would not have been able to help your sister. They probably judged that you had put yourselves at risk.

It would hurt me, but you have no right to be furious..

WednesdayNext Sat 08-Feb-14 18:33:59

Yabu to expect your parents to buy your house.

Wbnbu to be pissed off at them bailing out your sister. But, it's their money to spend as they wish.

ForgettableTampon Sat 08-Feb-14 18:34:08


I know you think your mam should have spent her spare £££ on you but tough, you are grown ups, you and your husband, you took a gamble and it didn't pay off

PurpleCrazyHorse Sat 08-Feb-14 18:35:01

I think YABU to have expected your parents to buy your house at a loss.

However I do understand why you'd be annoyed that they'd clearly helped your sister out significantly in the past. That does seem unfair, that they weren't prepared to help at all. However maybe their finances are different than you think.

expatinscotland Sat 08-Feb-14 18:35:42

You made a very serious financial mistake. Own it and take responsibility for it rather than expecting to be bailed out.

JealousAndUnreasonable Sat 08-Feb-14 18:36:00

expat same house is now on the market for $100k than we bought it for! It was bad timing for us.

Mother told me about the money she had spent on my sister while moaning that they couldn't buy a house now as most of their money was gone hmm.

expatinscotland Sat 08-Feb-14 18:37:05

Still unreasonable. It's her money to do as pleases with.

MothratheMighty Sat 08-Feb-14 18:37:27

The sister was what made me wonder if the parents felt angry about the choice to move abroad and take the grandchildren. So when it all went tits up, they thought 'Sod 'em'
Whereas the sister stayed.

foreverondiet Sat 08-Feb-14 18:38:29

Yabu why should she bail you out?

steff13 Sat 08-Feb-14 18:39:09

same house is now on the market for $100k than we bought it for!

You've said this twice, but neither time did you say more or less. So, the house is worth more now, or not?

If your mom spent $70K on your sister, and now most of their money is gone, did she even have enough money to buy your house?

bishbashboosh Sat 08-Feb-14 18:39:52


And entitled



Bit greedy

Sleepybunny Sat 08-Feb-14 18:41:30

YABU, you can control what other people do with their hard earned cash, regardless of what you think is fair.

I don't think your family were being spiteful here (unless there's a back story) your mother obviously judged your sisters needs as greater.

Sorry to hear about your situation that does suck badly.

zeezeek Sat 08-Feb-14 18:41:35

Unlike everyone else I don't think you are BU. I know that you are grown-ups etc etc, but you are their child and you needed them and it was not as if you were going to take the money and run (and, let's face it, it will be your money anyway one day). And they helped your sister.

Sometimes it is not unreasonable to need your family to help you.

ihavenonameonhere Sat 08-Feb-14 18:42:02

YANBU - I thought you were til the last paragraph but if they helped your sister they should help you

Sleepybunny Sat 08-Feb-14 18:42:37

*can't not can, sorry

brokenhearted55a Sat 08-Feb-14 18:43:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ouryve Sat 08-Feb-14 18:43:50


It's their money to do as you please with.

LEMmingaround Sat 08-Feb-14 18:43:56

Hold on guys - if this was your DD, and you COULD help her out, wouldn't you? I know i would. OP YANBU to be hurt by this, yes she had no obligation to help you out, but she didn't. Maybe she genuinely couldn't do it but i would give my DDs my last available penny if they were in such a situation. Well, seems its her loss doen't it, she would have made a tidy profit.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sat 08-Feb-14 18:44:00

You might have had more luck asking for a loan then for them to buy a depreciating asset.

ouryve Sat 08-Feb-14 18:44:04

they please!

Sirzy Sat 08-Feb-14 18:44:13

Sounds like you jumped into something without thinking it through as fully as you thought you had, unpredicted circumstances made that worse and it ended in a mess. Not your parents fault.

if you parents had already helped your sister to the extent they didn't have money to buy their own house how would they have been able to afford to help you?

frenchfancy Sat 08-Feb-14 18:44:41

YABU you left the country, in moving away you were essentially saying we don't need you. You made a bad mistake financially and had some shitty luck, that is not your DMs fault.

Your DM is of course being unreasonable in moaning to you about money she has given to your sister. It was hers to give freely but she should have more consideration and not moan to you.

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