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AIBU?

Aibu to not be excited about our wedding.

32 replies

ElleBellyBeeblebrox · 07/02/2014 19:51

A bit long and rambly I'm afraid!
DP and I are getting married this year after two DC's and being engaged some time. (Just a small registry office for close family and a handful of friends, then a meal afterwards and a piss up in a village hall for big numbers in the summer)
Anyway. Part of the reason it's taken so long to plan is because I'm dreading the family dynamics etc on the day. My parents went through a vile divorce about ten years ago, and have refused to be in same room together since (apart from when divvying up finances in court), including mum refusing to be at my graduation because he was going to be there. I want to be excited about my wedding day but I'm not, I'm dreading it. I'll feel anxious about how my mums feeling, her being upset at seeing him again, him being cold and everyone being awkward about it. Neither of my sets of grandparents are going as mum won't go if my dad's mum is there...dads refusing to do a speech as he "won't be able to keep it in the right spirit with your mum there." Whatever that means, presumably that he doesn't trust himself not to start bitching about her!
I'd love some tips on how people go about this at weddings and make it work?!

Mil is doing my box in about the whole thing too, and completely refusing to see why I might feel apprehensive about it. I also told her I wanted to do the invites (there will only be about ten of them) and I got a message from her the other day "I've arranged for the lady from my work who does wedding invites to pop and see you both on Tuesday night at 8 o clock to discuss your invites, that's okay isn't it?" Um... Thanks. She also brought me a glossy wedding mag and sniped at me "I didn't think YOU would have bought any". And she's made a list of things we need to remember to do.

I hope I don't sound too negative about it all, I adore DP and want to marry him, but the stress of the family stuff means I'm not looking forward to it. AIBU to wish that we could just fuck off somewhere the four of us and not worry about any of this? And AIBU to want mil to butt out??
( probably quite a minor wedding Aibu as they go!!)

OP posts:

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Afritutu · 07/02/2014 19:56

I'd elope, then have a lovely party with friends. (sorry, probably not very helpful)

Nombrechanger · 07/02/2014 19:57

One word.

Fucking elope.

ok, that was two words

NatashaBee · 07/02/2014 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

natwebb79 · 07/02/2014 20:02

I didn't have half the crap to deal.with nut we still opted for us and 2 witnesses followed by a piss up in a room abpve a pub a few days later. Those who didn't want to come didn't have to. I'd seriously rethink if I were you.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 07/02/2014 20:03

Fuck it was all off and go somewhere just the four of you. Just do it. Weddings are about love and celebration and if your family can't get over themselves and be there for YOU, they don't deserve to be there at all.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 07/02/2014 20:03

Can you organise a weekend away with some close friends and get married then?

Sod the lot of them!

HungryHorace · 07/02/2014 20:03

Oh god, definitely elope.

The marriage is what's important, not what your family will or won't do on the day.

Retake control and bugger off somewhere lovely and have a fantastic time.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 07/02/2014 20:05

Elope & have a lovelt honeymoon/holiday with your dp & dc. The rest of them can do one....

ElleBellyBeeblebrox · 07/02/2014 20:22

Oh I'd so love to do that. We were considering it, but DP is a bit of a mummy's boy and didn't think she'd forgive us if she wasn't there. It's supposed to be a low key informal thing but MIL keeps badgering on about flowers and invites and lists.,,

OP posts:

ElleBellyBeeblebrox · 07/02/2014 20:23

I'm more excited about the four of us going away to the seaside the week after for honeymoon!

OP posts:

CMOTDibbler · 07/02/2014 20:26

Sit your parents down and tell them they either get a grip, grow up and promise to behave themselves, or you elope.

TBH, in the circs, I'd go off and get married as you plan in the registry office with just you and the kids, then have a big party in the village hall without any speeches and let them all get on with it.

HellonHeels · 07/02/2014 20:26

Your MIL has had her wedding. It's your turn now. Not your responsibility to give HER her dream wedding. Your parents sound like selfish shits, to be blunt.

Agree totally with the others - elope.

Georgethesmartestgiant · 07/02/2014 21:08

I agree with everyone else - elope !

cantpickaname · 07/02/2014 21:23

Totally sympathise, I was in exactly the same situation, parents with messy divorce etc. We eloped and it was great as it was all about us and what we wanted as there was no one else there to be a total PITA. YOUR wedding, YOUR call. As someone else has said MIL has had her turn, now it's yours.

We did do a big party a week or so later and DF still managed to cause havoc so really glad that a party was the only element of the wedding where he coud cause stress. I watched DSIS go through the full bells, whistles and family mayhem, and it was awful for her, mine was def the right choice

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2014 21:23

I would have been devastated to miss my DC's wedding. But I didn't behave like your parents!

Sorry, they don't deserve to be there. The day should be about you and your DP but they're making it all about them. Presumably they loved each other once, and they're supposed to love you.

If they refuse to play nice, cancel and elope. Or don't cancel and disinvite them.

Also, post them a link to this thread - they might get the message.

PatriciaHolm · 07/02/2014 21:27

Book a registry office. Inform MIL on the morning (or the day before if you are feeling very nice) that that is what is happening, end of, and she can come if she wants. if not, well thanks and see you post honeymoon.

or go on holiday, get married there and have a small party at home afterwards. If you carry on the way you are, you will end up with a day that is not about you but about everyone else - do you want to remember it like that for the rest of your life?

ElleBellyBeeblebrox · 07/02/2014 21:29

Thankyou all, I truly wish eloping was an option! Going to sit down with DP and try to figure out how to make it as stress free as possible...families can be a nightmare!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/02/2014 21:31

Cancel it, get married on the quiet, never tell them & change your name by deed poll

RandomMess · 07/02/2014 21:33

Missed the inverted commas "deed poll"

I know one couple that never married but she did change her name by deed poll

Another couple who got married on the quiet with 2 friends as witnesses, without their dc there. Never told their parents!

SlimJiminy · 07/02/2014 21:58

1/ Eloping is an option even if MIL won't be happy. She'll get over it. Don't dismiss it outright - throw it out there with all the other options. Anything like "haha, no way" from DP can be met with "why not?" to ensure you at least cover the pros and cons.

2/ Stop listening to what MIL wants. STOP! NOW! If you wanted a 5-figure bells and whistles wedding she'd whinge that it wasn't 6-figure. Seriously. They usually find something to whinge about. Ignore as much as you can. AND SODDING WELL MAKE YOUR OWN INVITATIONS!!!

3/ Contrary to popular belief, your wedding day doesn't have to be an occasion you look forward to. My DM had all the people-pleasing and family politics that you describe with her wedding and looks back on it as " definitely NOT the best day of my life " but she and DF have had a long, happy and healthy marriage - and that's more important than one day. Yes, a nice wedding can be lovely... but it's not the be-all and end-all. If you really cannot bear to deprive MIL of seeing her precious baba get married, then just make as many decisions you can for yourself - ignore her well-meaning suggestions and just get on with it all. Then you can focus on your marriage...

ElleBellyBeeblebrox · 07/02/2014 22:09

Thankyou all for your brilliant advice. The main thing I'm trying to take from it (and it echoes the sentiments of a good friend of mine this morning), what do you want, a wedding or a marriage. I know what I want so I'm going to try to stop stressing about the day. And drink a lot at the meal!

OP posts:

Kundry · 07/02/2014 22:13

I found weddings were a great way to fall out with loads of people in a short space of time

For me it was that all my family claimed to be representing the spirit of my dad, who had sadly died 4 months before the wedding. So they all needed to make a father of the bride speech, various relatives I'd never heard of had to be invited and apparently he'd wanted one of them to walk me down the aisle.

All ignoring the fact that if he'd been alive, I'd still have walked down the aisle without him and made my own speech In the end I got my way over the speech, most of the invites and caved on the aisle.

Stick to what you want, compromise on something that doesn't bother you very much and learn the art of presenting things as a fait accompli (even if they aren't). So MIL says someone will do the invitations, straight back with 'Oh I'm sorry, we've already ordered those' etc.

I also learnt it was worth falling out and making up before the wedding as these people were quite happy to keep bossing us about after the wedding. It saved a lot of time and angst for them to learn we were going run our marriage without them before it was too late.

Enjoy your wedding - congratulations

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mameulah · 07/02/2014 22:18

For your own amusement you could say to your MIL that you are thinking of eloping. Or say it enough that she THINKS you are thinking of eloping. Then no matter what tiny, small, non glossy magazine wedding you end up having will be a bonus for her.

Do what you want to do and forget about everyone else. And definitely have a large glass of champagne first!

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 07/02/2014 22:20

I was in your position. We eloped. SO glad we did. Everyone got over it and we had a blessing and a big party later, which was stress free 'cos it was only a big party.

Stick to what you two want, not other people, or you will resent them for ever.

I hope whatever you choose to do, goes brilliantly.

SlightlyDampWellies · 07/02/2014 22:22

Okay, on the MIL front. Is it that she knows your DFather and Dmother are just not up to scratch and so she is getting all excited in order to try and make you feel excited and happy too? it sounds almost like overcompensating.

Otherwise, elope. 10 years ago we had a rather rubbish wedding where we tried to please everybody and had so much sniping and shit it was just horrid. (For me. DH was happily oblivious). This year, our 10th anniversary we are renewing our vows and having a bloody great pissup. Which is what our first wedding should have been.

Don't get suckered into a day you will regret. Tell your parents to grow the fuck up. Or elope. Have the perfect day just the 4 of you. That sounds lovely. :)

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