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was i unreasonable and should i have done this?

(34 Posts)
mattsmadmum Fri 07-Feb-14 11:59:46

Last night was the school disco. At 10am a friend txed me to ask if my dd was going, i replied yes and did her dd need a lift if so let me know by 4pm as i need to arrange childcare whilst doing the run as its my other dcs bedtime. At 3pm she txed back saying no lift needed and was just checking. Just as we were leaving she called to say could i now pick up dd from disco and drop her home-her ex p was taking her dd but wouldnt pick up as he now lives 8 miles away and it would be 10pm cold dark and wet.
i said no as my dsil was babysitting and needed to go. Friend lives 4 miles out of my way but often give her lifts. Dsil went nuts! saying i should have done it as not fair on friends dd who could miss out on the fun. In the end friend got bus with her other dd 8 and picked up herself. I feel bad but should i?

SeaSickSal Fri 07-Feb-14 12:02:35

I would have done it. Your dsil obviously didn't mind staying and the weather was awful yesterday.

Impatientismymiddlename Fri 07-Feb-14 12:06:00

As she is your friend and not a random mum who always wants a favour then it would have been nice to have told your friend that you need to check with your sister first and make sure she's okay for time. As your sister was okay with it then you could have given your friends dd a lift.
Don't worry about it too much as I'm sure your friend understands that you needed to get back home quickly.

Pigletin Fri 07-Feb-14 12:06:04

I would have checked with dsil if she minded staying a bit longer and than done it if she didn't mind.

What's done is done though so no need to dwell on it.

springykyrie Fri 07-Feb-14 12:09:22

4 miles is a long way! What's with dsil going nuts though? bit OTT imo.

starfishmummy Fri 07-Feb-14 12:09:50

I don't really understand why you said no. Surely your dsil was staying until you got home anyway and you wouldn't have been much later if you had dropped the other girl off first.

ImagineJL Fri 07-Feb-14 12:12:17

I would have checked with SIL first and then said yes, as SIL clearly didn't mind.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 07-Feb-14 12:17:21

I would certainly have done it. a quick diversion by car for you v a late night bus trip in bad weather with a young child for her?

sounds like her ex decided to mess her about at the last minute.

It would have felt extraordinarily mean to drive to the place and pick up my own child, knowing someone who is my friend was struggling in the wet and cold with their child to get a bus to fetch their other child from the same location and would then presumably have to get another bus back home?

bridgetsmum Fri 07-Feb-14 12:19:12

I would definitely have done it without even a second thought.

SoulJacker Fri 07-Feb-14 12:20:12

YABU to use SIL babysitting as an excuse when you hadn't even asked her if she minded staying longer. I'd hate to be used as someone's get out clause without actually having any say in it.

DamnBamboo Fri 07-Feb-14 12:40:33

How far away does your friend live from you?

differentnameforthis Fri 07-Feb-14 13:12:50

I would have done it without a doubt. My friend's dec go to the same school as my dc & if ever there is a disco/party they are both invited to, we each do a journey. One drops off, one picks up. There have been times where one of us couldn't do our part, and at such times the other picks up the slack.

So yes, YABU.

Poppylovescheese Fri 07-Feb-14 13:21:05


FlatFacedArmy Fri 07-Feb-14 13:29:15

I think it was very nice of you to be so considerate of your babysitting SIL and be anxious to stick to the agreed times in case she might have other arrangements, but it couldn't have hurt to check with her.

As it turned out your SIL is a lovely person who wouldn't have minded staying another few minutes. Now you know, apologise and explain that it was a one off and it might be possible another time.

dexter73 Fri 07-Feb-14 13:37:06

It would have felt extraordinarily mean to drive to the place and pick up my own child, knowing someone who is my friend was struggling in the wet and cold with their child to get a bus to fetch their other child from the same location and would then presumably have to get another bus back home?
^^What Shiver said.

pluCaChange Fri 07-Feb-14 13:39:52

Good grief, people. Have none of you ever been on the reverse side of this, when someone offers a "favour" that their babysitter/ OH has to "pay" for, or is inconvenienced by?

Yes, it turns out the SIL didn't mind a later return home, and, yes, it was perhaps thoughtless to the OP's friend, not to even check. However, the situation could have gone the other way, ending up with a martyred and seething SIL.

Ultimately, the fault lies with the ex who backed out of something which had been settled.

Pigletin Fri 07-Feb-14 13:47:11

pluCaChange But the OP isn't asking who is at fault...she is asking what people would have done in her situation and that's what people are replying to. Surely posters are allowed to express personal opinions when they are asked to do so.

WooWooOwl Fri 07-Feb-14 13:53:10

I think it would have been rude to agree to do it when you didn't know how your dsis was going to feel about it. It's nice that she wouldn't have minded, but it's not your place to presume that she would feel that way.

pluCaChange Fri 07-Feb-14 13:56:07

She's asking if she should feel bad for not having resolved it. It seemed to me that she could have done, and maybe it was a bit thoughtless not to have even asked SIL. However, the OP is not the only one who could have resolved it.

It just didn't seem that point of view was getting a lot of coverage, amongst the posters saying thet would do it like a shot (implying the OP is heartless).

mynewpassion Fri 07-Feb-14 13:58:41

Not heartless but a bit thoughtless. At minimum she could have asked her sil if it was ok to stay an extra 30 minutes or so.

TheWitTank Fri 07-Feb-14 14:04:34

I would have absolutely done this for a friend if it saved her a bus ride with 2 young children in the dark and pissing rain. I would have phoned and asked SIL if she minded. I do think it was a bit heartless.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Fri 07-Feb-14 14:11:24

She asked the questions.

do people think she was unreasonable. Well yes, many do and a few don't.

Do people think she should have done it. Yes, most do and a few don't.

People are just answering the questions she chose to ask.

Answering a question asked isn't having a go at someone, unless not telling someone what they want to hear is having a go at them.

I am sure the OP asked the questions because she wanted to hear what people honestly thought.

mattsmadmum Fri 07-Feb-14 16:27:03

Ye I probably should have done it but dsil was in a v bad mood and didnt want to inflame things. I dont see why exp gets away either.If he had manned up it would never have happened.

pluCaChange Fri 07-Feb-14 19:40:47

But what was she actually in a bad mood about? I don't understand that, nor is it clear when her bad mood arrived. If she got in a snit after you got back, not having collected and dropped the little girl, I have to say that she sounds a bit weird, or else that it is rather mean of her to have such a go that you feel bad about yourself. Was she picking up on your existing guilt and exploiting that?

Or was she in a bad mood about something else? If so, and if that mood started earlier, then you're entirely reasonable to have avoided imposing on her any more!

The SIL is the key to this mystery!

<Poirot emoticon>

TidyDancer Fri 07-Feb-14 19:49:14

I think YABU based on the fact that you hadn't checked with your SIL and she ended up not minding anyway. If my friend was having to be out in the cold and wet weather at night with two DCs and I could prevent that from happening, I would do so without question.

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