Crippling jealousy of ex's young, pregnant girlfriend(145 Posts)
This is long, and I know a lot of people will think I'm out of order, but I need a perspective on my problem. My ex and I split up more than 10 yrs ago, I was 20 when we met and 26 when we split, him 4 yrs older, so we did all that growing up together, first home, family ties etc. We broke up but we have always stayed very close friends, in fact I would say he was my best friend. Since then I met someone and we have been together 10 yrs, but my ex never had any other significant partners and we have carried on a good friendship all within a social circle, going on holiday etc. I had a daughter in 2010 and my ex is her godfather and totally loves her. Last year we moved out of the area and I started to have an idea that he was seeing the ex-girlfriend of a male friend of mine who had brought her as a plus one to my daughters birthday parties. When he knew I had an idea of this he said he needed to come over to speak to me, he stayed over (we live miles away)and told me he had been seeing her. I guess the sticking point here is that he is 41, I am 38 and she is 22. That was enough to set me off in internal rages of jealousy. A few weeks later (last november)he said he needed to come to visit again and this time told me she was pregnant. He also told me he thought she had got pregnant on purpose, and that he had hoped at every scan that there would be a problem with the child. Since then he has said that she is asking him why she's not invited when he visits us and can I construct scenarios where we can all meet. to put it mildly I am having trouble getting used to this new scenario after all these years, so I have refused, in honesty I can't even bear thinking of seeing her especially as I am hoping for a second child. Even the fact that she is a teacher is making my blood boil because I work 48 hrs a week away from my dd, and in the future she'll always be with hers in the hols. It doesn't help that she is gorgeous, has never left home, and has moved into the house he owns and so never has to have that struggle with money I had at her age. I also got pregnant at her age but 'it wasn't the right time' for us ie we were totally skint. The thing is I know I sound like a bunny boiler, I know IABU, but how can I get rid of my jealousy and rage?
I feel sorry for the OPs partner. She is in love with her ex.
It is a shame people have been so judgmental here. Jealousy is not a logical thing and I presume that is why the OP posted here because she does like or understand it.
Sorry wombles , yes I can comprehend some idiot man trying to feel sorry for himself using that thinking but I'd have no sympathy for him.
wombles no I have no sympathy whatsoever with the I "was trapped" nonsense. Sex makes babies, contraception can fail, even the pill can fail.
If a grown man can't cope with that then don't have sex. I'm the mother of a son and he will get very short shrift if he ever trots that line out.
Thing is, we've scared off OP so now we can't find out any more details. We'll never know how the story ends.
(prepares for sleepless nights)
The OP isn't being narcissistic. She is naive. Not narcissistic.
I can understand that. Personally i struggle massively with empathy and i'm quite cold and clinical about these things. I've never suffered a late term loss. I did nearly die when i had an ectopic pregnancy though, And i had an incomplete miscarriage. I wasn't upset about the pregnancy loss. I didn't know i was pregnant and i didn't think of it as a baby. Especially the ectopic.
When i was told about it it wasn't a baby, it was an illness to me and it was killing me (Tube had ruptured, i was in that much pain i wanted to die and i was bleeding internally, Surgeon said another day and i wouldn't have been there talking about it).
I couldn't wish that on someone. Not for the loss. But the personal effect.
Maybe its because he's not seen that. I get that. I wouldn't have thought about it like that either before. I am guilty of assuming everyone thinks like me.
But the later thoughts, i would have thought anyone could see wishing for their partner to go through delivering a baby like that... not alive.. Would be horrific.
I dont know. It just seems like an awful situation all round. I feel sorry for the OP and for the woman he is with. Even without the baby situation, I don't think he seems very nice. I wouldn't be happy if my partner were having private meet ups with his ex.
Caitlin, can you not comprehend how a man might feel trapped or duped into being a father?
Your post provoked a wow just wow response from me, which I once said on here. I'd never use.
I'm not sure which of you is worse- you and your narcissistic jealousy and selfishness or his idea that he's been trapped in to being a father.
What a pity you split up. You sound ideal for each other.
Flock, to play devil's advocate, his motive MAY be that he was 'tricked' into the pregnancy by his partner saying she was on the pill. It happens often, and yes, if he was that concerned he should have used a condom, but maybe he trusted her? Trust is a central component of a relationship, yeah?
To him, the fetus may not seem like a baby (men can more easily detach from pregnancy for obvious reasons) and so his words weren't as horrific to him as it appears to us mother hens. Some men don't 'bond' in any sense until they see and hold their actual babies. I'm not condoning the bad thing he said, just diluting it somewhat.
It's not just about how he feels about the baby. OP said 'every scan he wishes there were something wrong with it' - That goes further than not wanting the baby, I mean, Wishing that sort of devastation on his 20 year younger partner? That's the worst part of the baby thing IMO. Most normal people wouldn't wish that on their worst enemy, never mind the woman they are meant to love.
Just because you don't see the baby as a baby yet womble, doesn't make wishing bad things on the baby acceptable. Therefore I don't see it as being dramatic at all for people to be disgusted and upset by what the OP's ex has said. There's no excuse for it. It's appalling
You'll lose him from your life if you don't include her. You don't sound as sorry about this vindictive feeling as perhaps is warranted. Neither you nor your ex sound pleasant and mention of your DH is notably absent. Truth is you have stuff she doesn't and vice verca. You have your DH. You can't make demands on two men. He's completely free to do as he pleases and your role is to support him. But it's wrong of both of you to discuss his situation with his new GF. That's undermining them and of course you're in no position to offer fair advice. Seems like you've never really cut the ties with this guy. What's with all these special trips to see you and give you important news? Like you're the spurned woman he's got to be sensitive about? I can see why the new gf might be horribly jealous of you and I think it's more justified. This rage could be because you've been a bit pandered to by your ex for years and now that hold is loosening. I think the new gf's desire to be included is wise and understandable. Your refusal is petty and ungracious and your reason is laughable. I think you need to step back and focus on what you have. Don't brood and allow some distance to come between you and your ex while he sorts his life and new relationship out. You risk dividing a new baby's parents and causing great suffering. Your spite could have long lasting consequences - and you won't get any peace of mind by harming this fragile little family. Personally I think this girl and her baby will probably suffer greatly regardless. Imagine yourself in her position. Have some shame. (the good sort).
I agree womble, think weve scared her off with our eagerness.
Well, Im pro choice too, but i hate to think of 'potential' babies being born into situations like this, where the father wished abnormalities on them. Regardless of whether you think a foetus has a right to life, its pretty fucked up for someone to wish that on their own kid. Just not a normal thought process whatsoever.
Tracy, interesting point. I'm pro-choice so don't see it as a baby at the moment. There's a lot of dramatic 'think of the baby' floating around on what I thought was a pro-choice site.
Meh. Each to their own.
Wombles, thats a tad insensitive, considering there is a baby involved Im not entertained by threads like this, they make me despair.
Why oh why do people insist on spoiling threads by being foul to OP? Consequently, OP goes AWOL and we never get any more juicy dialogue. Wise up people! If you're more subtle in your bitchiness you can up the threads entertainment value and shelf life.
The OP had a termination and is now envious of her ex-partner (and father of her unborn/terminated child) being the Dad to a newborn baby ?
I guess it wouldn't matter so much if the OP wasn't still in love with him. Why isn't the relationship and child/ren that she now has with her current partner enough ?
Why did she have to keep him as a close friend ? How come she even knows what he's doing with his life. I can't help but wonder how her current partner would feel if he knew how conflicted she was about this.
I'm thinking that her ex's new baby is bringing back memories of her termination.
Being envious that she will get to spend more time with the baby because she is a school teacher
Also, you mean he's got a 22 year old who hasn't even left home yet up the duff at the age of forty ? Yeah, that'll last.
I feel sorry for both of you TBH. This man does not sound very nice. I think you are in a far better position than her though - She is 22 and having a child with a man who treats her like this? Wishing these things on his child? Wishing the emotional devastation on her? And having private little meet ups with an ex?
Get over your ex. It's not fair on your current partner. Cut the chord...imagine if your DP was the one writing this, how would you feel?
I think you need to do two things:
1. I think you need to encourage your friend to be honest with this poor lady. She deserves to know his true feelings and what he is really like. If he dosen't tell her how cruel he has been about her behind her back then you should tell her. She will find out what he's like one day. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.
2. You need to focus on your own husband and child, not your ex and his baby.
You have a chance to make this better. Please do so.
I feel so sorry for his poor girlfriend he sounds horrid. Why your are feeling like this after 10 years apart is just weird i think you need to get over it now.
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