to feel a bit put upon at the moment?(6 Posts)
All part of the ups and downs of married life I guess, but at the moment DH and I are trying to conceive, buy a house and sell our flat, and he is trying to get another job. He's also recovering from a long term illness (sarcoidoisis) from which he's only just presently coming off steriods.
He and I have different jobs - mine much better paid but to be honest also much less stressful with hardly any commute; his involves regular late working nights (i.e. at home on the computer once a week past 1am and no, he's not surfing porn as had been suggested by someone else on here) and a couple of 5am starts and long drives and a couple of nights away.
I have totally made allowances for how much energy he has and have taken over all of the admin for the house sale and purchase, including arranging all the viewings; all home routines (including lovely home cooked meals every night, all shopping and cleaning and any arrangements we have for the rare nights when we are able to see friends). He's genuinely really grateful for all I'm doing but I am also reaching the end of my teather and ability to do everything whilst he copes with low energy and being miserable about his current, horrible job.
It's a high pressure time for both of us, but I feel like all my out of work time is maintaining our joint life together and am sad its taking us longer to TTC than we'd anticipated - I am 36 (as is he), we have no DCs and we both feel like time is running out.
Is it fair to feel like I'm pulling more than my fair share of weight at the moment, even though the situation we are in is under any lights pretty pressured? And before anyone asks, we do have to move - if we don't do it in the next few months, we have no chance of staying in our part of London which is our home - leaving would be worse than almost anything else. WWYD? Any coping mechanisms I should try?
You have to cut down on what you're doing frankly. Could you eat takeaway a bit instead of the homecooked meals? Shop online?
Sarcoidosis is a scary illness and he may be feeling low...
Quite a lot to deal with at one time?
What can you sacrifice? It sounds like your expectations of yourself are high. When you are pregnant tired and possibly emotional it won't get better.
Can you pay for some home help - instead of doing all the cleaning? Shop online in your lunch hour and get a home delivery?
I used to get home and start cooking from scratch in my coat and shoes. Now I batch cook some meals on Sunday morning, and we have one night as lazy - e.g. Bags of pasta, beans on toast, and the time back is very valuable.
If he is recovering from an illness, has a long commute, works long hours and has a stressful job it is nice of you to cook every night and deal with the house sale. I would support him when he needs it. My husband and I do what we can to make life easier for the other, especially when one of us is finding things difficult. Can you depend on him to do the same for you when you need it? Can you maybe eat out a little more to cut down on cooking and dishes? Can he reduce his hours or change jobs so that he can be more supportive and contribute more to home life?
If you feel like you are doing too much then you are doing too much. Try to cut down some of the work for yourself. I agree ^ beans on toast is a perfectly acceptable meal. Are there other areas in your life you could also make things a bit easier for yourself. My mum has scarcoidosis so I sympathise with you and your partner. Remember that good enough is good enough, there's no point in stressing yourself out trying to be perfect.
Thanks everyone - the suggestions around easier meals/takeaways is a good one as I've really tried to keep our routine going but am finding the pressure of cooking every night pretty tiring, so this would be an easy thing to sacrifice - we both eat well more than our 5 a day during breakfast and lunch, so a couple of nights a week of beans on toast and tomato pasta won't kill us. We could also afford some help with cleaning so will investigate. We are both just so tired and getting snippy with each other (been together 6 years and never argue, so guess we need to have a think about that) and I think exhaustion and too much on is at the bottom of it. Ironically we went out for dinner tonight and I'm still awake past midnight for the first time in weeks as I'm not too tired when he's been in bed for an hour, usually the other way around!
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