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to NOT want my df to 'live off' us- we cannot afford it :-(

(218 Posts)
stressed61 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:31:45

I am sat here crying.

My df has been staying with us for a few months. He has split from my dm- no hope of reconciliation.

He has no money at all and lost his job last year. I have been helping him job search and suggested he sign on in the meantime. He blew the roof and refused stating he will not be humiliated.

We are are just able to meet our outgoings each month and now have another mouth to feed. He moans that the house is cold so I turn the heating on a lot more than usual which means higher bills.

Also he owes a good friend at least £600 with no means to pay it back.

Throughout my life I have bailed my dp out. I have paid for their bills/shopping with credit cards when I simply have not had the cash more fool me.

I am fed up of being responsible for him. He is under 60 so able to work.

Unplastered Thu 06-Feb-14 09:33:45

What a situation to be in.
He must sign on, and he must give you some of his JSA to pay his keep.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 06-Feb-14 09:36:22

I think you need to try and pluck up the courage to say to him that either he contributes towards the household finances (by signing on or getting a job) or he moves out, and that you cannot afford to feed and house him for free. It's so hard, but you have to try and be strong and firm and not let him emotionally blackmail or railroad you. Un-MNetty hugs x

juneau Thu 06-Feb-14 09:36:48

I think I would be blunt, if I was you. Tell him that you can't afford to support him and that he cannot live with you indefinitely. March him down to the CAB and see if he's entitled to any benefits and/or housing help (and if he won't go, go there yourself and find out). There is no reason why he should be a burden on you.

Oreocrumbs Thu 06-Feb-14 09:37:31

I think the mumsnet advice line of never giving more than you can afford, financially or emotionally is very apt to real life as well as on internet sites.

While I'm all for helping people out, it can't be at the detriment to yourself and your dependants.

Easier said than done I know, but I think you need to sit him down and say he needs to find somewhere to go, and a job/claim benefits and re establish himself independently.

Ideally you can all work out a feasible timescale together and get the wheels in motion. If he 'hits the roof' with you, then I really think you have to ask him to leave.

stressed61 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:38:07

I just feel he is not helping himself. We cannot give him cash, only a roof over his head and food.

He does not realise how selfish it is of him. He could use the JSA to save up and pay his friend. I can see that we may have to reimburse his friend as he cannot wait forever.

We have two dc and their needs must come first. 8 feel so burdened like I want someone to take him on. But who? My db lives in a 1 bedroomed flat with his girlfriend.

AMumInScotland Thu 06-Feb-14 09:38:28

Instead of crying, how about you blow your roof back at him? It sounds like he has got into the habit of viewing you as a willing meal ticket. Tough shit if he finds it 'humiliating' to have to sign on. Tell him there is no option - he has to bring income in to cover the extra costs of him living there.

It doesn't sound like he's some sweet old man who feels overwhelmed by events - he sounds like he's always been a bit of an arsehole. But you've let him get away with it. Time to stop.

Charlesroi Thu 06-Feb-14 09:39:32

I suppose as you've helped him in the past he's come to expect it. It's difficut but you and your OH must insist on a contribution from him, which means he'll have to sign on. If he moans about the heating then I'd blow up at him. Just keep repeating "we have No Money. We can't afford it".

stressed61 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:40:23

He has nowhere to go? He will not physically go to the job centre. He clearly stated that I cannot force him to sign on and threatened that if I complete an app form for him he will go mad.

He is stewing in his room now.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 06-Feb-14 09:40:30

DO NOT reimburse his friend, not under any circumstances. It is not your problem, not your debt.

AMumInScotland Thu 06-Feb-14 09:40:45

He is an adult. Nobody else should feel they have to take responsibility for his life when he is failing to do so himself. He will be entitled to JSA, and probably housing benefit. Drag him down to the benefits office and explain that he can't stay with you long term. Make them deal with it. Make him deal with it.

FrysChocolateCream Thu 06-Feb-14 09:40:47

Do not pay your father's debt. He sounds like a child who has always had people bail him out.

Be strong and tell him some home truths. He must contribute. In fact he must move out. Sounds awful. Poor you.

PumpkinPie2013 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:42:00


You are being very generous giving him somewhere to stay, rent free with meals etc. provided.

He needs to sign on - he may not want to but food, heating etc. do not pay for themselves!

Is he applying for a wide range of jobs? He shouldn't be restricting himself to one thing.

It might be a good idea to write/call local businesses to see if any work is available - time consuming but can be worth it.

Care homes might be good to try - the one my mum works at are always needing people for potering, washing up, laundry etc. Ditto your local hospital.

Another thought - could he be a bit depressed? If so would he see his GP?

Good luck - you sound lovely xx

Hoppinggreen Thu 06-Feb-14 09:42:04

Do not pay his friend back, why the hell should you?
Your dad needs to sign on and start contributing. You also need to write a letter saying he can't live with you - he will then be homeless and should get help with accommodation

AMumInScotland Thu 06-Feb-14 09:42:47

So you've put up with this crap for a few months, and he still refuses to accept reality?

I repeat - stop putting up with him. Tell him he can damn well move out and sort himself out. If he doesn't want to sign on - for which he has been paying National Insurance contributions while he's been working - then he can sit on the street and put his cap out. That might be just a tiny bit more 'humiliating'.

He ought to find it humiliating sponging off his child.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Feb-14 09:43:25

YANBU, but you need to grow a pair. He heads to the Job Centre TODAY or he moves out at the weekend. You cannot afford to keep him, so even signing on, he needs to move out by month's end. He is an adult, FFS!

ruby1234 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:43:53

If he does sign on and receive money, would it make it ok if he contributed, say, £30 a week to you?

Or do you still really want him to move out?

If moving out is your goal, then think hard about accepting cash from him to stay - it will make it more difficult to get him to move out as it would seem that you agree to him staying if he contributes.

stressed61 Thu 06-Feb-14 09:44:19

He likes to do things his way even if it is not logic or puts others out. He is stubborn and will not change his mind.

You are right, I barely stand up to him. I am always there to puck up the pieces. Family members/friends advised that I have to tolerate and help him as he is my df.

ENormaSnob Thu 06-Feb-14 09:44:25

Oh fgs.

Why are you enabling this?

If dh put me and our dc in this position he would be moving out with his scrounging father.

What does your dh say?

WanderingAway Thu 06-Feb-14 09:45:32

He sounds like a child.

I would tell him that if he isnt going to sign on then he needs to move out. It is not fair on you, your partner or your kids.

expatinscotland Thu 06-Feb-14 09:45:39

Kick him out. Seriously. Get your partner to help. He sounds like an entitled arse. You need to throw his stuff out.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit Thu 06-Feb-14 09:45:47

stressed I really feel for you, but I'm also furious for you. Re-read what you have just said; he blew his top because you suggested signing on, he's throwing a strop saying you can't force him to the job centre, he's sulking in his room. He sounds like a petulant teenager.

Lay this out for him;

- we are happy to have you here while you get back on your feet BUT only if you contribute to the food and fuel bills.
- you need to start contributing ASAP and if that means you need to sign on, then go do it.
- you do not strop around and sulk because you are asked to behave like a reasonable adult, and you will give me the respect I deserve, this is MY HOME.

juneau Thu 06-Feb-14 09:45:48

OP, you sound very kind, but from what you've written I can tell that you're not used to standing up to your father. He's probably bullied you your whole life and you've done what he wanted just to keep the peace and stop him from yelling and threatening. Does that sound about right?

Okay, I'm going to tell you something now that will help you. Bullies HATE being stood up to, but it is literally THE ONLY WAY to deal with them. I have a bullying step-father, so I know what I'm talking about.

Fill out the application. Let him 'hit the roof' if he wants to and tell him he's welcome to leave any time if he doesn't like it, but that you cannot afford to have him living with you and contributing nothing. DO NOT pay his debts for him. It sounds like you have no money to do so anyway and why the hell should you??

Hoppinggreen Thu 06-Feb-14 09:46:48

You do not have to tolerate him - that's easy for other people to say, they don't have to!!!

expatinscotland Thu 06-Feb-14 09:47:10

If you were my partner, I would not put up with this. You would be out with your scrounger dad. There is no way I would pay for someone like this. Your family needs to sling their hooks.

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