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To think DH shouting at me for "30 seconds" is not reasonable!

(11 Posts)
Ghostie Wed 05-Feb-14 21:48:47

DH shouts, in fact I am starting to think he has anger issues. Tonight the car alarm kept going off. I kept trying to sort it out, went out and fiddled around, but it didn't work. Next time it went off he started swearing and shouting. Apparently not at me, but at the situation. He gets really angry swears a lot and then says it only last 30 seconds and ism ' the allowed to get angry at situations ever. I am starting to feel no. He then turns on me and his this was all my fault (I left my phone on the front seat, which is what was setting it off) after coming back from taking DD2 to the docs.

He says I am worse cause I sulk and withdraw for. "Days".

I am shattered. We have 2 DDs 13months and 3 1/2. I teach in a school in a school with an arsehole head, who is a bully and we 've just bought a new house and moved in. Just feel like everyone is walking all over me at the moment...

I think he has issues with anger and I am just 'starting' to feel ground down and a but dead inside. I'd like to get help, but I know he'll just say what he always says - no!

Tonight I put it in terms he might understand and said did he want the girls to hear him talk to me like that and how would they feel, and also would he want them to be with someone who spoke to them like that. Obviously he said no and did apologies, but always with the 'now get over it - it's over' kind of thing.

redrubyindigo Wed 05-Feb-14 21:59:59

Ok Ghostie



Start with DH.

Does he work/help/understand?

fivecupsoftea Wed 05-Feb-14 22:02:31

Hi, you have two toddlers and have just moved house - don't forget they say that moving house is the most stressful thing you can do, and to do it with two toddlers ... your husband sounds really stressed. My husband gets like that too sometimes, its not an easy thing to grin and bear.

justmyview Wed 05-Feb-14 22:05:54

My Mum is / was a shouter and I HATED listening to it. Awful for your children to listen to that. Your DH is choosing to shout at you. Don't let him tell you he lost control. He wouldn't shout at his boss. Suggest you read Lundy Bancroft. He's very good on this stuff

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Feb-14 22:09:12

Being shouted at is never nice...not for you and not for the children if they hear it.

However, sulking/withdrawing for days is not nice either. It's a silent punishment that also affects the whole family.

Sulkers and shouters nearly always try to convince themselves that it doesn't affect the whole family, but it really does.

deakymom Wed 05-Feb-14 22:10:24

he is acting like an immature ass yanbu stress is one thing but why should his stress take precedence over yours??
if this becomes a long term habit you might have to get some counselling for him as it sounds like he might need it xx

RoRo14 Wed 05-Feb-14 22:12:56

I think it sounds difficult. I sympathise. I think you did the right thing pointing out the DDs wouldn't want to see their dad like that.

Is his work stressful?

Purplepoodle Wed 05-Feb-14 22:37:00

I'm a shouter, oh is a sulker. I blow up, rant and then get over it where oh will sulk for days, refusing to talk ect it drives me insane, at least I say what's wrong.

DoJo Wed 05-Feb-14 22:39:29

I think RedRuby's right - you have three separate issues, and although your husband may have been unreasonable, you shouldn't make him a target for your frustration with your job, the move and the lack of sleep.

If he is just shouting about the situation and isn't directing his anger at you, then I think that is potentially ok - if that's how he feels is the best way to diffuse his feelings and the only real impact is a loud tone of voice rather than hurtful words or sentiments (including swearing if you agree that it is inappropriate in front of the children). Having a little rant about the annoyance of it isn't maybe ideal, but it's a natural reaction and could perhaps be directed in a different way if he is able to find something else which could release the build up of tension.

If he is directing his shouting AT you, that needs to be addressed. When you say he turned on you, is that because you were telling him to stop shouting, or did the shouting just progress to that without any intervention from you? Not that either is ok, of course, but if it is his response to your interrupting his rant, then at least there is something that you could maybe change. However, if he is shouting just because you're there, then he needs to just stop and think about the impact it is having on the whole family. Perhaps explain to him that every time he does it, he is chipping away at your children's expectations of him until they won't even be surprised to hear him shouting any more. Is that really what he wants?

I have to say though, if you do really sulk and withdraw for days when you're annoyed, that is also incredibly frustrating. I can see how he might think that his way is preferable, as one person sulking in a household can feel like a black cloud hanging over everything. Perhaps you could both work on ways to express your anger/annoyance/stress/frustration which don't alienate the other.

maggiemight Wed 05-Feb-14 22:56:52

He sounds in the wrong imo because he sounds like my DH who would rant and swore too much. Over anything and everything – other car drivers, because he can’t find something, because he’s late, and that might be ignorable if he shouted and ranted all the time but my DH shouted and ranted around me, not his colleagues, neighbours, friends, only me.

It was as if I was contributing to everything that was wrong in his life, but if I challenged him he insisted he wasn’t angry or shouting, just letting off steam, according to him once he had let off steam he was fine (yeah, until the next petty reason he could rant at me).

Anyway, I lost the rag with him recently and life has been transformed for me since. Feelings of nervous anxiety and depression that I’ve had for ages just disappeared, I actually feel quite happy in his company, prob for the first time in years, I notice him correcting himself as he nearly lapses into his old ranting ways.
If this is your DH, OP, you can try giving him a dose of his own medicine, best of luck though as it is horrid to live with.

Pigsmummy Wed 05-Feb-14 23:09:33

Tell him to count 30 seconds, tell him that you shouldn't have to deal with 30 seconds of his tirade. Tell him to get anger management counselling

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