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To be upset and on the verge of tears because of this letter

(58 Posts)
FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 16:51:00

Since i had my daughter my life has been pretty much ruled by intrusive thoughts.

I think about my children dying constantly. I check on them compulsively. I don't sleep because of it. I sleep for a few hours from around 5am in two hour blocks. Every few days i'll have a five hour solid block.

I don't let them do things like eat with forks sometimes because i think they will somehow stab themselves in the back of the mouth (I had a dream about it once that triggered that particular one).

When i first told a doctor about it, the doctor didn't listen and told an emergency team of psychiatrists that i was suicidal (I was not, and i had never said i was, she asked and i said no i was not suicidal!). I ended up shoutingat the psychiatrists to make it stop, give me drugs or something i didnt care what they did i just wanted it to stop.

DDs Dad played on it a lot and has probably made it worse. He used to tell me she had been really ill when she hadn't (He told me i'd given her salmonella once and she had been really ill, she hadn't had salmonella at all, things like that). I have panic attacks if he emails me (She lives with him, our agreement) now thinking somethings wrong with her.

I have two sons now too. It worsened after DS1s birth then calmed down a bit. Now its worse again. I'm constantly thinking about my own death. I'm going to die one day. and i dont wont to. Everything triggers it. I read something about the space craft thats the furhtest man made thing from us. It'll be close to a certain star in 40, 000 years. That was it. I couldn't concentrate on anything for the rest of the night. Even things that are meant to be funny trigger periods of obsession and nothing else can get into my head. I don't want to just not be here. I'm so desperate for there to be something else. I've been reading about theories on the universe, peoples ideas about how time works (Circular time etc, the idea that everything repeats, the end of the universe being the oposite of a big bang, a big 'crunch' which triggers another big bang and then everything starts again, repeats, like in futurama if youve seen that episode).

Finally though, someone has listened to me. After nearly 5 years. It feels like i'm getting somewhere. I had an appointment with the mental health team on the 11th of february. Now theyve cancelled it and won't see me till the end of march.

I know i'm going to be seen but it was so close and i thought it wouldn't be long now finally and i'll be normal again and now it's nearly 8 knobbing weeks away. 8 more weeks of feeling like a bastard neurotic paranoid freak.

I feel like such a loser being upset about this though. It's only 8 weeks. but now it feels like a life time away again.

SecretWitch Wed 05-Feb-14 19:01:33

Julia, if you have nothing supportive to say to this OP, please don't comment. She is clearly suffering.

My heart goes out to you,OP. I hope you can find relief soon. flowers

Finola1step Wed 05-Feb-14 19:01:50

Julia you should be ashamed of your reaction to another human being who is having a very tough time and is asking for support.

I think you should take a long hard look at yourself.

trixymalixy Wed 05-Feb-14 19:04:06

OP, my DH suffers from anxiety similar to yours which has been greatly helped by being prescribed Citalopram (I think).


ToffeeWhirl Wed 05-Feb-14 19:10:25

Flock - I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. It sounds just like OCD to me. My son suffers from it and has been greatly helped with medication and CBT with Exposure-Response Prevention. OCD-UK have an advice line it might be worth calling (click here).

I also agree with others saying you should ring back and ask for a cancellation. It's the squeaky wheel that gets the oil.

Paleninteresting Wed 05-Feb-14 19:17:31

Dear Flock, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Julia get lost, your post has appalled me so much.
I have had similar thoughts for a number of years, all death related. I second the suggestion of Mindfulness, it is a very self caring approach and in my personal experience Mindfulness delivered by a trained and experienced facilitator was and continues to be life changing. I also second ringing the team to get an earlier appointment.
Handholding if that helps.

aquashiv Wed 05-Feb-14 19:17:51

Mindfulness is brilliant.
You sound really intelligent with a huge amount going on sometimes it's hard to switch it all off.
What the others have said is spot on you will find peace keep asking. You are not a freak.

LEMmingaround Wed 05-Feb-14 19:27:29

unwanted negative thoughts are horrible, i hope that you manage to see someone soon - as soeone upthread said, get an appointment with your GP and ask for medication while you are waiting for counselling. There are some good links on here about MH, might be worth a look in the mean-time. I used to suffer from health anxiety, and i remember being obsessed with feeling DD1's glands in her neck - i remember we were late for school once because i kept stopping to feel them blush I was convinced she had somehow caught hiv from me. Medication has worked for me, along with counselling.

izzydazzling Wed 05-Feb-14 19:59:06

Hello OP, just wanted to say that you are absolutely positively not alone in thinking like this. I am 40 years old and have spent a lot of precious time thinking, worrying, brooding over things that haven't happened or won't happen for millions of years. It came to a head around the time the film 2012 was advertised everywhere. I couldn't escape the intrusive thoughts that came with seeing these adverts, crying in the night wondering what would happen to us, it must have been distressing for DH to listen to me, to hear me ask if he'd be prepared to kill us all rather than us suffer. Really, really hideous thoughts that haunted me day and night. In the end I went to the docs. It was good to get it out in the open, and I eventually saw a psychiatrist (?) who helped me with CBT. Those feelings haven't completely gone away but they're manageable and don't rule my life anymore. I've learned to avoid certain triggers (for example I don't click into any of the DM doomsday scenario articles or watch Horizon type programs on natural disasters or if someone starts a conversation about the banking crisis/global warming etc I tune out) as I know this will start me off. Please push for help, don't give up, you can get better and be happy again.

JackNoneReacher Wed 05-Feb-14 20:26:13

Is there a number on the letter? Ring and tell them you are desperate and ask if you can have a cancelled apt if one becomes available.

They will help you.

I used to be overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts. Its very upsetting just to think about the thoughts I used to have. There are ways to put this behind you.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 21:46:39

Thankyou ladies, i will google the suggestions here when in on my pc (in using my phone).

Didn't see julias other posts but im sure if i can deal with my bastard exs games a sad act hiding behind a pc isn't going to upset me.

There are a few contacts in the letter so i will look into them more tomorrow.

My OH doesn't understand much. Hes never had any experience with MH problems. He gets it a bit more since we had a talk about it but he doesn't know what to do for me really.

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 21:47:53

trixy that's what my step mum is on she said it helps a lot

FlockOfTwats Wed 05-Feb-14 21:49:34

Its so helpful knowing others have had the same and similar experiences to the ladies who have shared theirs thanks

itsbetterthanabox Wed 05-Feb-14 21:59:10

I have intense anxiety problems. I am currently receiving CBT and take sertraline and beta blockers, both have been very helpful.
The crisis team can help you if you feel at breaking point. They can let you see a psychiatrist too.

mercibucket Wed 05-Feb-14 22:11:26

this might sound odd but it is also worth running blood tests. i suffered similarly for years but since my underactive thyroid was treated i have not had such thoughts. sometimes my meds make me go hyperthyroid a little and the compulsive thoughts return

mercibucket Wed 05-Feb-14 22:12:55

sorry i hope that doesnt make you more anxious sad it is a v simple one off blood test and then really easy to treat.

SeaSickSal Wed 05-Feb-14 22:20:58

Could you ask your GP for a short term course of tranquilisers? Tell them how much you are struggling and that you are going to find it difficult to wait until March. They might help in the short term.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine Wed 05-Feb-14 22:23:03

CBT helped me tackle similar thoughts. Sending lots of positive thoughts op, you have been very brave dealing with this. Hang on in there.

augenblick Wed 05-Feb-14 22:26:47

Sane, a mental health charity, run a phone line that is open to 11pm. Info is here;

It's worth saying that if you feel you are a danger to yourself you can call the Samaritans or even 999 for urgent help.

Well done brave lady for talking to us about it. Thinking of you x

Mellowandfruitful Wed 05-Feb-14 22:29:39

I can't add anything to the good advice here but I'd echo the suggestion of ringing and saying you are really in need of an urgent appointment and if they should get a cancellation, please can they let you know as you will take any appt that comes up even at very short notice. They will almost certainly have cancellations and you could well get in.

You are obviously really struggling with all this and I wish you lots of luck for getting help. Apart from anything else, the lack of proper sleep will be making it harder and harder to deal with all the other issues as you just can't function well without a decent amount of sleep (as many of us probably know even if we haven't had your other feelings). flowers

AGoodPirate Thu 06-Feb-14 08:19:50

I've been a bit like this at times. I "self medicate" by reading all the time, as I walk down the street, as I cook, literally all the time.

I hope you get some help at the doctors. Good luck. x

Balaboosta Thu 06-Feb-14 08:38:31

Mindfulness mediation can REALLY help with this. Google "what mediation really is".

wishful75 Thu 06-Feb-14 10:45:26

Please get a thyroid function blood test.

pregnancy can trigger post partum thyroid diseases that are quite common. It happened to my friend and she was diagnosed with post natal depression but the doctors often get it mixed up. The symptoms you describe sound very similar but it is a serious medical condition that needs specific meds and all the anxiety treatment in the world wont cure it. She's fine now but it is very serious left untreated so its certainly worth a blood test to rule it out.

gordyslovesheep Thu 06-Feb-14 11:21:11

hope you manage to get an quicker apt OP. I had awful anxiety following the birth of my third child - I wouldn't even had a bath (I did shower!) because I was scared something would happen - I imagined all sorts of dreadful things - it can get better with help x

AngelinaCongleton Thu 06-Feb-14 11:29:29

Just wanted to say, my mum had a similar phobia many years ago after children. She doesn't now. It has got immeasurably better for her. Hoping for the best for you. Good luck x

ToffeeWhirl Thu 06-Feb-14 11:51:09

I think you mean meditation, Balaboosta grin.

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