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To not force DD to phone her grandmother

(23 Posts)
Bourjois Wed 05-Feb-14 14:54:38

Oh dear.

Long.

My DD is 15. My ex MIL (her Gran) wants DD to phone her. I've left the phone number in DD's bedroom and DD has already written Gran a thank you letter for her xmas present. Gran has phoned repeatedly (about 16 times) without leaving a message and once again she left a very cross message for DD to phone her.

Now, read this before you reply...

I wasmarried to exDH for 9 years and we discussed children before we were actually married. After 7 years he shagged me when i was asleep and boom... pregnant.... And a single mum as he didn't want anything to do with DD. men would come to the pram and coo over her saying "is she yours?" he would say "no, it's hers" , he went to a party when i was in labour with DD then complained to the midwives that he was tired. He was 34. Not 16, 34. He didn't tell his parents that i was pregnant. At 20 weeks we went to stay with his parents. His mum said i was getting fat. I said no, i'm 4 months pregnant. She phoned me at work a week later accusing me of going behind his back and said it was his job to tell them i was pregnant, not mine. I cried in the loo.

When DD was almost 2 i left him. He had never acknowledged DD's existence and i knew she would go mad if we stayed as she was getting excited when he came home from work only to be crestfallen when he ignored her. His contact demands for the divorce were " whenever i want, whenever i want, when it's convenient for me.". The last time he saw DD was a week before her 2 nd birthday, the day i moved out. She is now 16.

I stayed in touch with his DPs as my own parents divorced and i know how crap it is to lose grandparents like that. She would see them once a year and stayed with them a couple of times. I remarried and now have a wonderful new DH who treats DD like his own and has said he would die for her. We also now have a DS.

At age 11, DD was suppsed to stay with dgp for a few days but they cancelled at the last minute. DD was devastated. We live 400 miles away so i used to drive DD down for lunch with them, then drive home. Inlat did this 2 years ago.

Since then DD has had bullying issues at school and has self-harmed. We've been through CAHMS and she's now in a good place and looking forward to a new start for 6 th form. In counselling it came out that she has nomdesire to see her biological father at all.

One last thing. I now have a DS. IF HE EVER treated his wife and child the way my exDH treated my DD I WOULD KICK HIS ARSE and demand that he lives up to his responsibilities. I wouldn't create a monster who had to be bribed with money to put on a suit for his own sisters wedding, the way they did him.

Gran phones once a year to speak to DD. if it was my own mum then i would dial the number and put the phone to her ear. But i don't have to. My mum is there for her everyday, for life, just not for christmas.

ExDPs are getting old and may die in a few years. I don't think DD will miss them. But for own consciences and to do the right thing, should i make her phone her? But who is the right thing for? I actually say that the right thing is to stand by my beautiful sweet girl who's had a crap hand dealt to her in life rather than 2 people who only want to talk to her when there's a mince pie in her hand.

Bourjois Wed 05-Feb-14 14:55:52

16 nextvmonth, stupid ipad.

Joysmum Wed 05-Feb-14 15:00:09

She's old enough to make her own decisions no matter what the backstory is. YANBU

HavantGuard Wed 05-Feb-14 15:00:53

Fuck 'em

MeepMeepVrooooom Wed 05-Feb-14 15:01:08

I think at the age of 15 it's up to your daughter to decide what she wants to do. If she doesn't want to ring her GPs then it's up to her really.

ScrambledSmegs Wed 05-Feb-14 15:04:33

It's your DD's decision whether to speak to them or not. Looks like she's made her decision.

They sound like horrible people, and quite frankly I'd be hard-pressed not to tell them exactly why she doesn't want to speak to them next time they call, but then I'm not the loveliest person when I think people are treating my children badly.

Lemongrab Wed 05-Feb-14 15:06:36

Ask your dd what she wants to do. If she has no interest in phoning the grandmother, i would support her decision and certainly wouldn't make her. She old enough to decide for herself.

She may have a rubbish (biological) father, but it sounds like she's got a lovely mum!

Punkatheart Wed 05-Feb-14 15:14:02

I have a similar situation - another grandparent who chooses to ring once and year and then gets all tearful and sentimental. I think you are doing the right thing - your child comes first.

whydoyoucare Wed 05-Feb-14 15:17:21

its up to your dd , she can see they havent been there , thats probably why she is delaying phoning , be honest what is there to say , they dont know her .

EllaFitzgerald Wed 05-Feb-14 15:56:07

I can't understand why the'd think they could treat her like that and then expect her to jump when they decide to show interest in her. I don't blame her in the slightest for not wanting to call them.

I had a not too different situation when I was a little younger than she is now. My mum told me to remember that they wouldn't be around forever, so if there was anything I wanted to say or ask them, then I should bear that in mind, but that she'd support me whatever I chose to do, which I really appreciated. If she's made up her mind she doesn't want to call them, then next time your ex mil calls, remind her that you reap what you sow. If she believes that you can treat children like that, then it perhaps goes some way to explaining why her son behaves like he does.

LatteLady Wed 05-Feb-14 16:17:00

Gosh, I was thinking how polite she was to have sent her thank you notes. That is quite sufficient.

ChasedByBees Wed 05-Feb-14 16:21:27

Of course YANBU but I think if she really doesn't want contact then I would call them and tell them to stop phoning and why. They are borderline harassing both of you and should stop.

bodygoingsouth Wed 05-Feb-14 16:32:42

I wouldn't even mention it again to your dd. why should she bother with them.

Lottapianos Wed 05-Feb-14 16:38:52

Absolutely your DD's decision. Well done you for sticking up for her and allowing her to have her own feelings about the situation

Pigletin Wed 05-Feb-14 16:39:51

From the point of view of a grandchild who was completely ignored by her grandmother for my whole life (even though we lived next door) I would say let her make her own choice. Only she knows how she feels about this relationship. Obviously the relationship isn't worth that much to your exMIL if she only called your daughter once a year for the past few years.

DontWannaBeObamasElf Wed 05-Feb-14 16:44:16

My maternal Granda has never been there, he called me 3 months after my daughter was born and stayed on the line for 30 seconds. He felt like he had to call, waited weeks between having my number to actually calling. I won't be contacting him again. YANBU.

Bourjois Wed 05-Feb-14 17:01:38

Thanks everyone. ellafitzgerald I will definitely use your line of saying that if there's anything she wants to know then she could ask them. They used to hide all photos of their DS when we went to see them!!

I do feel guilty cos they're almost 80 now.

But thanks, much appreciated xx

puntasticusername Wed 05-Feb-14 17:08:04

Anyone else having trouble getting past "he shagged me when I was asleep"? WTF?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 05-Feb-14 17:13:55

Any chance they're phoning to say her dad is dead/wants to see her. Just the sort of thing I can guess they would do without realising how disruptive it would be and thinking they had to tell her hmm

eggsandwich Wed 05-Feb-14 17:31:58

Its totally her decision at 16 if she wants to continue any lines of communication with them, and she should not be bullied into speaking to them if she doesn't want to. If the GPS get arsey about this tell them that if they had played a more active role in her life when she was younger then she might of wanted to continue the relationship with them.

Topaz25 Wed 05-Feb-14 17:39:10

So your ex husband raped you? I don't think you or your DD should have to have any contact with your rapist or his family.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 05-Feb-14 17:45:08

Agree with PPs - your ex raped you? And your daughter is the result of the rape? Please don't let her see this thread if she doesn't know how she was conceived.

Ignore exMIL - she sounds deluded.

hamptoncourt Wed 05-Feb-14 21:57:32

and change your phone number.

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