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Should I tell my father he is a grandfather?

(15 Posts)
tracypenisbeaker Wed 05-Feb-14 13:39:34

Ive been struggling with this since my DS's birth. The last time I spoke to my Dad just over a year ago, we were in contact for a year after I gave him a chance after I hadnt seen him for 15 years. (He left when I was a small child and lost contact- he moved hundreds of miles away and I went out of my way to track him down). I stopped talking to him because, long story short, his mask slipped and he showed himself to be the lazy, selfish, abusive alcoholic that he is after telling lie upon lie, and trying to veneer himself and come across as perfect,and all of his shortcomings were always someone elses bloody fault, especially my mothers. She was apparently the reason he never kept contact when we were growing uphmm. I don't think very highly of him at all. I think he is a little coward who cannot face up to his responsibilities. He even tried to pick me up in his car when he was stinking drunk.

Anyway! What should I do? I still have contact details for other members of the family that can tell him that he has a grandson, do I send the email? My concern is that he will try and worm his way back into my life because he will start feeling sorry for himself, and if I was to be a fool and let him be involved then he will lose interest and hurt either me or, even worse, my son. He really is a shambles of a person, there is so much backstory to this, but I still do feel bad that he doesnt know, like Im treating him as though he is subhuman or something? A part of me is thinking that he has a right to know but if I tell him then he will likely think it is a green light to weasel back into my life/ I am being cruel and taunting him by saying 'i have a son now, but you cant see him.'

Writing this post has helped me a bit, but I'd really appreciate some clarity from people who have gone NC or have ideas on what I should do. Thanks.

weirdthing Wed 05-Feb-14 13:43:30

I am NC with parents. There is no way you should tell him? How could he be good for your child? He won't be any different to your child than he was to you (voice of bitter experience here) no matter how much you secretly hope that he will sad

weirdthing Wed 05-Feb-14 13:44:18

Sorry no ? after 'him' - I meant to put a !

really1234 Wed 05-Feb-14 13:46:11

We have never told FIL officially that we have children, they are now 13 and 10. I know he knows as MIL is still in occasional contact with him. I have met him once about 18-19 yrs ago and neither DH not I have seen him since DH and him have never got on (no abuse or serious history).

I initially felt very sad and tried to persuade DH to get in contact, but then I realised that he has not made any contact with DSDs who he did know (thy are now mid twenties) and even got one of their names wrong so I figured that our DC were not missing out.

I know that doesn't answer your question but your priority is your baby, if you think he will not benefit from the relationship I wouldn't bother.

squoosh Wed 05-Feb-14 13:47:43

I don't see what good could come out of initiating contact.

Nothing in your post makes me think that he sounds like a good person or that your life would benefit from having him in it again.

I wouldn't.

tracypenisbeaker Wed 05-Feb-14 13:52:41

Thanks weirdthing... I don't want him back in my life. He adds nothing to it. Im a bit sad because i remember saying to him (when we were getting along) that when i had children in the future, he could be there for them like he wasnt for me sad. That was one of the last times I saw him. He was just a waster.

Mordirig Wed 05-Feb-14 13:55:48

No there is nothing that will make your father change, if you, his daughter isn't enough then why would a grandchild do it?
If you let him know and he wanted to start seeing you and your son you would just be putting the pair of you in harms way.
I grew up not being alowed contact (court order very violent) until I was 18, tracked him down and basically the same thing happened like your situation.

After I had my first DC I realised that nothing in this world short of death would cause me not to be there for them.

This realisation hurt and it still does affect my self esteem but I do partly realise it is his problem and although I deserved better all I can do is minimise the damage caused to myself as to not inflict the repercussions onto my children.

tracypenisbeaker Wed 05-Feb-14 13:58:51

From the replies so far, I probably wont tell him.

There is, however, the possibility of telling my grandmother (his mum). Shes a lovely lady who never did me any harm, but there is still the likelihood of her feeling sad that she will never get to see him, and also she will tell my Dad, who will in turn probably try and worm his way back in.

My poor son, he never asked for this.

Tractorandtree Wed 05-Feb-14 14:04:57

I wouldn't. I've been NC with my F for about a year now. Things have been difficult for about 10years. I didn't tell him I was pg with dc2 until he unexpectedly asked to see me when I was 8mths pg. He seemed to blame dc2 for the fact that I didn't tell him and he treated dc2 differently to dc1 (no congrats card, no birthday present, cheapest christmas present possible etc). angry

That was part of what prompted me to go properly NC tbh because it was quite clear that he was going to take out on my dc his annoyances with me which is utterly unfair. I had wanted them to have a relationship with their GF but I know the reality of it would not match the idealistic desire for my dc to have a loving GF sad and it would harm them more than benefit them. I was sad about it for a while but it's entirely up to him now whether he wants to make any effort to have a relationship with me or his GSs. The fact he hasn't reinforces my decision to go NC.

Mordirig Wed 05-Feb-14 14:05:11

Neither did you, all you can do is realise what you deserve and set your own limitations, conditions and be sure of how you can protect yourself emotionally from betrays of trust on that side.

mumbaisapphirebluespruce Wed 05-Feb-14 14:07:44

I don't think you should tell him directly, but it seems a shame that your grandmother won't find out because of your fathers behaviour. Can you tell your grandmother, and explain to her that you won't be telling your father, but that it is up to her if she shares the information. I think it is unfair to tell her and then expect her to keep it a secret. You need to also explain to her that if he does find out that this doesn't mean you will allow him to visit. You will then of course have to deal with him potentially trying to crawl into your life again. Do you feel confident that you could manage to keep him at arms length? I think ultimately it will all depend on how confident you feel about handling the situation if you let the cat out of the bag. I think you need to think about how you will handle it before you tell anyone.

Tractorandtree Wed 05-Feb-14 14:09:32

Xposted - I'm still in contact with my aunt (his sister) and she comes to visit from time to time and my dsis hasn't gone NC so I know he gets feedback on us from time to time from them but it's up to him to make an effort and he doesn't.

I would tell your GM but just be firm with your F if he does make an attempt to worm his way back in if that's not what you want.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Wed 05-Feb-14 14:09:46

I wouldn't tell him.

If he adds nothing to your life and has always treated you so badly, why inflict him on your child?

It's not like he'd have a personality transplant at turn into the Werthers Original Grandpa, is it? he'd be the same person he's always been, only now he'd be it to your precious child as well as you.

No thanks.

VegetariansTasteLikeChicken Wed 05-Feb-14 14:17:20

He was shit parent and will be a shit grandparent.

olympicsrock Wed 05-Feb-14 14:19:58

I'm NC with my father and have been for around 10 years now. He turned Out to be a liar and a cheat. He has intermittently tried to build bridges but it was so difficult to get the Message across that I did not want him in my life that I find no contact easiest.
I have DS aged 2 now. He found out through my siblings. My life is easier without his disruptive input and I don't want to expose DS to him. I don't regret it as he has 3 fantastic grandparents and a loving extended family.

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